Before I left Hartford, I made a promise. It wasn't an actual promise, but I made it into one. I promised that I would find out why I was getting into so much trouble. I finally found out the reason today. As I was lying in my bed, thinking, it finally occured to me. I wanted something that I couldn't have. Something that belonged to someone else. It made me mad just to think about it, but it was true. The thing I wanted was the heart of another student at Chilton.
This is my first entry in this journal, and I'm pretty sure it will be my most important one. It's about how one girl, just one, made me feel happier than anyone else could. But I couldn't have her. She wasn't mine. Inside, I held how I felt from her for so long; I regret it. There was once though, that I told her I was madly in love with her, but back then, I was kidding. A few days later, everything I told her about how I felt became true. I found myself thinking about her when I was with someone else; whenever I saw her, I couldn't stop myself from staring at her. Then I tried to ask her out. There was a dance, but she turned me down. She called me stupid for even asking. That was the first time she ever broke my heart. At the dance, I saw her and her Prince Charming boyfriend. Because I was so mad, I just pretended that I really didn't like her and took it out on her boyfriend. Back then, I could have had any girl I wanted at that school; the one I wanted, however, was caught up with someone else.
The second time I ever had a chance at her (actually, it should count as the first!) was when she and her boyfriend had broken up. I didn't know it until after. Just my luck, my girlfriend had just broken up with me in front of everyone. Whenever I was sulking, she found me and we talked. It was just a simple conversation, but it lead to a kiss. I couldn't believe I had kissed her, but what shocked me after that was the fact that she kissed me back. The next surprise was whenever I saw her crying. I felt bad so I asked what did I do, but I didn't find out until a few days later that she had been crying because she was confused. I felt really stupid for asking her that night if she was crying because I bit her lip (which I didn't. I was just wondering if I did.) The one thing I did for her that I wouldn't have done unless she had asked: I went on a date with Paris. The day after our date, I talked to her. That's when I made two mistakes. 1) I told her that we were more friends material than dating material; 2) I told her who set us up. That made both girls mad. After Paris yelled at her, she came to me and told me that one date was not trying. That was the second time I tried to tell her how I felt. Whenever I told her I was in love with someone else, she thought I meant my ex-girlfriend, Summer.
The next time I tried to ask her out, she turned me down once again. That made me extremely mad. I had tickets to a band I didn't even like. I had gotten them just for her. Just my luck, her boyfriend came to Chilton so they could get back together. Watching how happy they were made me... confused. I didn't know how to feel; I didn't know what to do. That's when I started to get in trouble. Whenever we got casted as Romeo and Juliet, I thought that was a chance for me to get back at her boyfriend; and at her. Whenever we had to practice in her hometown, I took the opportunity to mess with his head. It worked so well, he decided to come watch us at rehearsel. When she found this out, she told me not to bring up our kiss. She told me the reason she didn't want him to know was because things were going well for them. That was the second (maybe the third) time she had broken my heart. The next night, I made my last mistake there. I tried to rob my friend's dad's bank. Stupid. The night of the performance, I told her that I had to go to military school in North Carolina. For some reason, it seemed as though she didn't want me to leave; she continued to think of ways I could get out of trouble. That's when I made my promise.
As I've read through this and thought back to that night, I realize that she might have cared about me in some very small way. I also realized that I love her. Whenever I get the chance to, I will go back. I will apologize to everyone I hurt. But the main reason why I want to go back, is to tell the girl in this entry about my reason for getting into trouble. It was her: Lorelai Leigh Gilmore.