A/N: Fourth and final time: don't own, don't want to, not claiming to, no profit. SMeyer owns all. I'm just here for portraying this esteemed novel as it really is.
Before anyone asks: kudzu is a weed, and if you've never seen The Princess Bride then you won't get the marriage scene.
Logic Has Died Weeping
Otherwise known as
SHODDY FORESHADOWING: Blah blah blah mortal peril blah evil vampires blah blah dead blah.
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN: Mawwage! Mawwage is whut bwings us togevva…to-day. Mawwage, dat bwessed awwangement, dat dweam wiffin a dweam…
EDWARD: "Man and wife"! Say "Man and wife"!
IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN: Man and wife.
EDWARD and BELLA become man and wife.
A really dull segue brings us to the honeymoon scene, which takes place in East Bumfuck, Nowhere.
EDWARD: I mustn't have sex with you. I mustn't, I mustn't, I mustn't, I mustn't….
EDWARD has sex with BELLA and therefore must wallow in a pool of tortured angst.
EDWARD (pulling his head out of the Wallowing Pool): What?
BELLA: I'm pregnant.
BELLA panics for a full eleven seconds before getting over the impossibility of the whole situation and undergoing an instant emotional bonding with the fetus. EDWARD takes a moment to collect and reassemble his brain.
BELLA: I shall call him Nudge and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Nudge!
EDWARD (now reassembled): Bella, dearest? I know you just underwent some kind of new-motherhood spontaneous-bonding type thing with the mutant fetus, but all of the pregnant-with-a-vampire stories end with the same thing: a mother maimed and killed by the kid at birth. Perhaps you can see the problem here.
BELLA: Oh, don't worry, sillyhead. He's just a baby. He can't hurt me.
NUDGE promptly gives BELLA a good thump in the ribs, smashing them.
BELLA: Well, crud.
EDWARD: Okay. That's it. Out with the mutant fetus.
BELLA: …You mean kill him?
EDWARD: It's sucking you dry of blood, you stupid bint.
BELLA (as she is sucked dry of blood): HE'S JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE! HE'S MY SWEET LITTLE NUDGER!
READERS WITH AN OUNCE OF SENSE IN THEIR HEADS stare in slack-jawed disbelief at the book as an airplane carts BELLA and EDWARD over to Book Two.
EDWARD: Hey, Jacob.
JACOB BLACK: GrowlgrowlgrowlsnarlsnapwoofIMPRINTINGsnarlgrowlFURRY grumblesnapWEREWOLF.
EDWARD: Knock it off. Look, there's a slight problem: I got Bella knocked up with some mutant human/vampire thing and it's slowly killing her…
JACOB BLACK: What.
EDWARD: …So we're all saying "let's kill the thing," only she refuses because abortion is evil, but since she's still in love with you, I'm thinking you can convince her to let us kill it. And when you're done with that, if you could make sweet, wolfy love to her so that she still gets a kid, that would really help us out.
JACOB BLACK: So, in short…
EDWARD: Squash the mutant, boink my wife, and give her babies.
JACOB BLACK: Okay!
JACOB fails to convince BELLA to squash her sweet little killing machine of a baby. This is followed by a depressing amount of Absolutely Nothing. This, in turn, brings us to the birth of NUDGE, a scene which will undoubtedly solve the overpopulation problem, because after reading it, not one preteen girl will have any desire to get pregnant. Ever.
Anyway, BELLA goes into labor and NUDGE shatters BELLA's spine with one well-placed kick. Fortunately, EDWARD is able to keep his head in a crisis.
…Okay, let's try CARLISLE.
CARLISLE: Edward, you must chew through her Womb of Steel™!
EDWARD: Dude, that's, like, really gross.
CARLISLE: CHEW IT!
EDWARD: 'Kay. OM NOM NOM!
Working together, EDWARD and NUDGE chew through BELLA's Womb of Steel™ in ten seconds flat. By sheer coincidence, girls everywhere decide that protective plates of solid diamond covering their abdomens sound like an excellent investment.
COLLECTIVE CULLENS: Behold the miracle of life!
JACOB BLACK (a.k.a. THE ONLY ONE HAVING AN APPROPRIATE REACTION): …Ew.
EDWARD then vampirizes BELLA, a scene which was clearly intended to be dramatic—"intended" being the operative word. JACOB BLACK has opted to busy himself glaring at NUDGE, and in doing so catches sight of her for the first time since she gnawed out of BELLA's womb.
JACOB BLACK: *imprints*
FANGIRLS: Oh, that's so sweet! He's in love with the ten-minutes-old baby! *swoon*
EVERYONE ELSE: …Yeah.
BELLA becomes a vampire.
LAST SHRED OF HOPE: Well, at least this has potential. Now that Bella's a newborn vampire, we'll get to see her internal struggle between following her vampiric instinct to kill and her desire to never harm humans.
DEUS EX MACHINA: Er, no, we won't, actually.
LAST SHRED OF HOPE: Come again?
DEUS EX MACHINA: Well, SMeyer doesn't have the writing ability to depict something like that, so I step in to give a throwaway line about Bella having incredible self-control that allows her to skip that stage of vampirism altogether.
The LAST SHRED OF HOPE dies.
CARLISLE now plays Exposition Fairy.
CARLISLE: Hello, Bella. Your freakish mutant baby thing: a)Drinks blood, b)Grows like fertilized kudzu, and c)Never talks even though she can. Instead, she walks around with wide, unblinking eyes and an ethereal smile, touching people's faces and projecting images into their minds.
CYNCIAL READERS: Gee, that isn't remotely unsettling.
BELLA: Oh, I shall adore this flower of love more than anything in the whole wide world! She shall always have my complete and utter devotion! I shall care for her ceaselessly! Nothing will ever distract me from—
BELLA: WOAH! DID YOU SAY "SEX"? SCREW NURTURING THE KID, LET'S INDULGE IN SINS OF THE FLESH!
While EDWARD and BELLA enjoy themselves and pawn the kid off on everyone else, the kid—whose name, incidentally, is RENESMEE (which is just so stupid I can't think up anything remotely snarky to say about it; besides, it really speaks for itself)—continues to age at an average rate of two years per day.
LOGIC: Since the kid's half-immortal, wouldn't it grow extra-slowly rather than extra-fast?
THE AUTHOR: Shh! Go away.
LOGIC: No, I'm serious. This doesn't make a lick of sense. I mean, yeah, if the kid was half, I dunno, mayfly or something it'd be absolutely zipping through its life cycle, but it's half vampire. Was this thought out whatsoever or is it just a slapped-together dream fulfillme—
A gunshot is dimly heard, followed by whimpering from LOGIC and a cackle of sadistic glee from THE AUTHOR.
Said AUTHOR suddenly remembers her shoddy foreshadowing and makes a lot of vague threats about THE VOLTURI coming to squoosh RENESMEE because they think she's PETER PAN—er, an Immortal Child, sorry.
A parade of STEREOTYPICALLY NAMED ETHNIC VAMPIRES troops by to watch RENESMEE grow so that they can testify to the fact that she is not an Immortal Child and so should not be squooshed, although why they care is unclear.
After more Absolutely Nothing, BELLA is revealed to have Speshul Snowflake Powers©, and with these powers prevents THE VOLTURI from squooshing everything in sight once they finally get around to showing up.
And, unsurprisingly, the ending is filled with rainbows and puppies and fluffy bunnies, and iSparkle616 leaves the room to be ill.
So ends The Twilight Saga.
With apologies to the owners/creators/copyright holders/etc. of The Princess Bride, Peter Pan, and Finding Nemo.