A/N: I was straightening my hair at 2:22am, on Christmas eve. I had just watched this wonderful little movie called "The Pacifier". I then proceeded to read a lot of dark, serious, and angsty fics about said movie. The mental rant that ensued:
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Zoë Plummer had one of her friends over. They sat on her bed, flipping their hair, and talking about everything that teenage girls do. Boys, clothes, hair, and that creepy Navy SEAL who just moved into your house. And of course, their dreams to design fashion clothing.
"Like, oh-mah-gawsh, Zoë, I have forever wanted to be this like, big fashion designer person!"
Lieutenant Shane Wolfe braced himself against Zoë's doorframe, haggard and torn, his face full of unrequited emotions. Tears threatened to spill down the man's cheeks.
"Euuh.." Zoë's friend (let's call her… Brittany) cocked her head to the side, and jutted out her overly-plump bottom lip. "Like, why? What do YOU know?"
"More than you'd think," Shane stepped into the room, his eyes cast downward, fighting back tears, obviously making both girls extremely uncomfortable.
He sat on the end of the bed, and both teens scooted towards the headboard.
"I was just a young boy. My father had gotten my sister a sewing machine for her birthday. I ripped out some of our curtains, took my teddy bear, and stole away into her room late one night-"
Just then Seth burst into the room. Zoë, Brittany, and Shane all gasped simultaneously.
"Seth, no, it's not what it looks like!"
...Everyone paused for a second to cast awkward side glances at Zoë's friend...
Seth returned to his previous position of urgency.
"What, what is it, Seth?!"
"My news is so much more important than yours!"
Shane gasped, his hand flying towards his mouth. "What could possibly be more important than me revealing my traumatic childhood, with an abusive father, and my desires to become the greatest fashion designer this world has ever known?!?"
"Lots of things…" Zoe muttered.
"But MOST importantly!" ...Seth paused for dramatic effect.
"Get on with it!" Shane squealed.
"NOOOO!" Zoe yelled, falling slowly to the floor, like a badly-performed opera death.
"Honestly," Seth explained, exasperated, he put his hand on his hip, which had jutted out the side. "I can't believe you guys didn't figure it out sooner! I mean, Disney making me be a secret Nazi in a secret production of the secret Sound of Music, while that was secretly my only place to feel secretly accepted while secretly angsting about my dad's death. Secretly. I mean, it was OBVIOUSLY a terrifically fabulous (and secret!) euphemism for me secretly being in the EXTRA-SECRET METAPHORICAL CLOSET! SECRETLY!"
"BUT," Zoë yelled, "This TOTALLY ruins me and Shane's chance at LOVE! I can't believe you Seth! You mess up EVERYTHING!"
Seth pouted dejectedly. Brittany lay a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder.
"Uh," Shane said, confused, "Why does it ruin our chances? I mean, besides the fact that I checked out this oober-cool site for something called "fan-fiction" and looked up stories about us, and there were a ton of really, really graphical stories about us being together, and it kind of made me throw up one or two times.."
"BECAUSE, you DUMBASS!" Zoë screamed, her face looking kind of like a radish. "Seth just came out, which OBVIOUSLY means that instead of ME AND YOU being together, YOU and HIM are going to go do things that aren't legal in any state besides Alabama!"
"What?!" Seth yelled. Zoe started sobbing, throwing herself against the ground. All had been lost.
"If you all got any stupider, I might just have to drown myself!" said Seth. "Me coming out was OBVIOUSLY secret symbolic crap Disney made up about me ACTUALLY being straight! Like, totally, man. They had to keep it "family friendly"! I can't believe you would actually believe I was gay! I've just figured it out! I was living a lie, because I thought that I was living a lie, when really, I was straight all along!"
Seth's face broke into the happy grin of someone who has just had the most brilliant epiphany one will ever witness.
"YAY!" Zoë screamed. She lunged at Shane, and started ravishing him.
Shane's face twisted in disgust, but he was secretly enjoying it. "No, Zoë! We can't be together! It's not right!"
"I don't care! I love you, Shane Wolfe! Dammit, I've loved you since you first walked into our house!"
"But I'M the one who's gay!" Shane yelled, not enjoying it anymore, not even secretly.
"WHAT?!" Came the resounding cry of three extremely surprised teenagers.
"That's what my story was about. I'm thinking about getting it published." Shane explained happily.
"Oh, well, that's cool." Seth said. He jumped across the bed, and snatched Brittany. They slid out the window together, to start kissing passionately in the rain on the hood of the family's minivan.
"So.. Uh, Shane." Zoë said.
They then proceeded to have sex, and fall madly in love. Zoë had sixteen of Shane's children. Helga the housemaid had already had two others. And Lulu had secretly had the first one.
(No one knows yet, because they just don't pay enough attention to Lulu, but she moved to Finland with her newborn baby, and took Tyler with her...)
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The references to fanfiction were just me getting my frustration out. Is Zoë and Shane being together ALL you guys can think about?! And, god forbid we have any gay!Seth without it being for Shane... I do intend on writing my own Seth/OC slash fic, and fixing the problem myself. xD
I love you ;)
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