I do not own any of this stuff, save for my effort and genius that I put in to make this production happen.

The Surgeon General's Warning:

Read at your own risk.

The Massively Multi-Crossover ULTRA! BATTLE

Season 1.X - Judgment Day


Preliminary Rounds A Go-Go Baby~!

A Gift MMC drabble fic by James "Ray" Edwards

Imagine standing atop the spiral galaxy, and all the stars and leering galaxies in the sea of infinity little more than the most fantastic spotlights, a background only suitable for the ultimate stage. And here floating amongst the tumult, islands of sentient consciousness, manifest in humanity, devils, angels, demiurges, men, women, children, and things of all shapes and origin crying out all at once. It was a rude awakening, to come from sleep, an act of daily life, a moment of bitter struggle, only to appear here at the "Land of Beginnings", watched over by a great tree of light that dwarfed all else in scale; its roots spiralling into the infinite, yet its origin finite.

Generic Voice: Ahem! Testing~, testing~, is this thing on? It is? Okay, Wakamoto-san, it's all yours!


The sea of consciousness immediately quieted before the bombastic awesomeness of this man's voice, emanating with god-like omnipotence that shook the very islands they stood upon.

???: Good Morning~, ZA WARUDO! Good Morning~, primitives, uplifted apes, and denizens of the World of C! I am your Master of Ceremonies, the Invincible Champion in the War of Heaven and Earth, Barbatos Goetia~!

Suffice to say, most people had never heard of Lord Barbatos Goetia, much less the War of Heaven and Earth, and the few who did were far in a position to say anything useful on the subject.

Barbatos: And I welcome you~ on behalf, the Heavenly Transcendent Spiral Em~peror, to this stage, this contest for the very meaning of existence. The Gods. Are. BORE~D. For which there can be put ON~E SOLU~TION! A Battle Royale, with your pun~y lives, on the line.

At that point, anyone with common sense probably had some strong words for the powers that be, but as Barbatos was effectively keeping them in line by blasting out their ear drums, there was nothing to be done.

Barbatos: The rules and rewards of this mag~nificent battle will become apparent as you advance, but I, the Invi~ncible Barbatos Goetia, shall offer you peons some advice for these preliminary skirmishes: A~. Disrobing your opponent into the NU~DE is a winning condition! B~. BEA~TING them into a pulp is FI~NE too.

Again, there were people who wanted to protest this, but the reactions were self evident in a multitude of leers, red faces, nose bleeds, and a fair share of murderously gleeful smiles.

Barbatos: That said - PRE~LIMINARY ROUNDS A-GO-GO BA~BY~!


So, did the "fireworks" show begin in earnest.


Of Miko and Priests


Uryuu Ishida was having a bad day for all intents and portents. It had been breakfast, when he had answered the phone out of obligation, and therefore landed in his present predicament, the result of which was not doing wonders for his blood pressure. Dear Mother of Jesus: he was hungry! He was tired! His neck felt sore as hell! Today was Sunday, a day of rest! Why did it have to be today of all days he had to get pulled into some characteristic drama to potentially save the world?

Thankfully, his opponent was not a morning person either, though he had to admit her fashion sense was kind of --- scandalous?, fetishist? --- for a Shinto shrine maiden.

???: Uuuuuu... Too bright. And wha-t wassssss...all dat screamin'...just now?

Then again, her stature was comparable to a certain Miss Kuchiki, with a similarly petite D-F...

???: Hey, kisama! Watch thy eyeline! 'Tis rude to poke people thou just met in the chest!

Ishida: ...Huh? Oh, sorry, I just could not help but notice your clothes, miss...

???: Hakurei Reimu-sama, thou overgrown ingrate! Did thy progenitors not teach thee any manners?

Come to think of it, her Japanese was rather on the archaic side, but it also seemed kind of forced, too.

Ishida: Hakurei-san, you can speak plain Japanese, as it pleases you. I think it's a little too early for formalities...

Their stomaches crying out together in unison essentially gave their unspoken agreement on the subject, for which both parties had the decency to blush in embarrassment.

Reimu: Ugh, fine. And you are?

Ishida: Just...Ishida will do.

Reimu: Good, then just call me Reimu, too.

Ishida: E-E-excuse me!?

Reimu: I appreciate a village boy with good upbringing (and money), really, but since all the youkai, spirits, vampires, gods, and what-have-you are on a first name basis with me, I don't see why we ought to keep a distance, see?

Youkai? Spirits? VAMPIRES?! GODS!? She must be joking, right?

Reimu: So, how about a truce until we find some breakfast, Ishida?

Ishida: Uh...s-sure.

Reimu: Great, let's get going then!

And then the shrine maiden levitated off the ground, blowing away a touch of dust, by some unseen means of propulsion. The feat alone was enough to make the Quincy's jaw drop, for not even the Shinigami were capable of such a thing.

Reimu: We'll look around this island first, and then... Hey, what's with the long face?

Ishida: You're f-floating...?

Reimu: Nonsense. I can fly! See?

Ishida: ........ah.

Reimu: Come on, Ishida. Don't be a shy boy, even that Marisa can do this, and she cheats with a broom!

Uryuu's Quincy pride raised quite a few red flags at that teasing statement, but his common sense won over this mental debate, as he had no way to compete, honestly, with the curiously easygoing girl. Besides, he was hungry, and he could afford to wait well until later to address such an injury. And...wha? White Bloomers?! What unfashionable era...

Ishida: *Forceful Sigh.* Uh, I can't fly.

Reimu: Ah...oh.

Why was she blushing and looking flustered for? He had seen...! Nevermind! Anyways, even his sense of chivilary would not allow her to win in their coming battle, which he hoped to avoid if possible, for his pride as a Quincy demanded they fought with no such prejudice. In battle, all were equal for they wagered their lives in the outcome, and gender had no place for objections.

Reimu: S-Sorry. Here, take my hand then.

Now, it was Uryuu's turn to pull a mental barrel roll, his face coloring and mind ablaze in bewilderment at the turn of events.

Reimu: H-Hey, it's not like I am doing this for free, Ishida-san. You'll owe me a donation to my shrine's offering box later, when this is all over (stupid Gap Demon pushing me into a well), but as a decent person, well, I'd feel bad j-just --- leaving you here! So just take it, all right?

Ho boy, he had a bad (good?) feeling about this, but it sure beat hanging around here starving.


Of Chibi Alchemists and Chibi Vampires


Edward Elric was having a bad evening. After having his ears near blown off by the announcement from that bombastic jerk off, Barbatos Goetia, he had decided to get his bearings around his present location. It was an isolated island just like the others he could see in the horizon beyond, except this one was populated by one giant castle and lorded over by a bizarre red moon that drowned the area in an artificial night. The young man, though, was not one so easily shaken by such phenomenom, and his skepticism as a scientist and curiosity as an adventurer immediately set him on the path to disassembling the great mystery before him.

In his investigation of the castle, which to his boon, he found to be superbly furnished with all necessities, particularly food and drink. Edward was even tempted to take a bath while he was at it, but remembering the warnings of Barbatos that this was to be a battle royale of some sort, he decided to continue his investigation.

???: Kukukukuku...

It was around midnight when he heard that voice, leading him on no less like a siren's call, all the way up to the top of the castle. And lo, did he find its newly self-appointed --- Mistress --- sipping away at some curiously red, deep red wine, whose consistency was all wrong, and he soon reasoned, after a curious sniff, was actually --- blood, human blood. He was not fond of the idea of cannibilism in the first place, and when the person across from him introduced herself to be a vampire, well, things got ugly.

???: Eleven Magical Arrows, a series of Ice! Die, Chibi Alchemist!

Edward: Like hell, Chibi Vampire: CONCRETE FORT!

Naturally, the ice arrows were no match for a concrete fort, smashing harmlessly against its walls, in lieu of their true target standing comfortably inside.

Chibi Vampire: You little runt!

Edward: What? You got a problem with short people, you loli? Here, CONCRETE CANNONBALL TURRET!

Evangeline Athanasia Katherine McDowell was having a bad evening, too. It was nothing short of a rude awakening that she found herself in a predicament shared by trillions of other lives gathered in this impossible space for the amusements of supposed gods. The difference was that she was actually of the faction that did not mind the distraction at all, as it was a rare chance for to get away with being a total villainess. What did not realize until she had provoked this foolish blonde-haired runt who called him himself "Fullmetal" that her full breadth of her powers was still partially sealed.

As such, lacking a partner, and facing a wily opponent, who was clearly a seasoned fighter, and whom defied her understanding of what constituted an alchemist, she found this battle degenerating into a much dreaded stalemate. Fullmetal had escaped from the inner sanctum of the castle and drawn her out into the open where he could seemingly use his abilities at will. In fact, the vampire wondered if he were a true magician for the speed he could execute his abilities was unreal. What made the situation worse was the fact this very castle was his "weapon" and he had a near inexhaustible amount of resources to fight with.

Her own spells had yet to even touch him, as he could escape through floors, walls, and generate cover with just a clap of his hands. Perhaps, she ought to use her trump card now by transforming into her adult form to bring out the big guns on him? Ergh, dodging these cannonballs was getting awfully tedious... Wait. Cannonballs?


Edward: What?!

The triumphant roar of cannon fire suddenly turned into wails of confusion, as Edward's mighty fort was demolished by his own munitions. When the dust settled, there was but a hole in the roof where the fort once stood, and the one known as Fullmetal was nowhere in sight.

Eva: That shortie rat! He ran away-

The vampire never knew what hit her until quite literally she was on fire. Howling in shock, she plummeted down onto the roof in a panic, and began the time honored practice of: stop, drop, and roll. Of course, there was no telling how effective it was, but the lack of water and the fact Evangeline could not just turn off her pain receptors at will, made it the best option possible. The last thing she expected to receive was to be blasted by a wave of fire retardant foam.

Eva: Blu-aaaaah~!

Edward: Ah ha ha ha, serves you right!

There was Fullmetal striding towards her with a beaming smile from an elevator that clearly did not belong on the rooftop terrace that had been their battleground. Oh, and he was holding a big red fire extinguisher cannon, slung over one shoulder. What was it with this brat and big things?! Was he honestly that insecure about his height?

Eva: *Cough.* You... *Cough.* Bastard...!

Edward: Hey, now, is that any way to treat your savior? Transmuting sodium bicarbonate on the fly, isn't easy for your every day alchemist.

Eva: Says, the bastard who lit me on fire, hsss, and how did you?

Edward: There.

Sure enough, there was a fresh chimney where there had not been one just a few moments ago.

Edward: You never noticed while you were busy dodging my cannonballs. That said, you okay?

Eva: Hah! As if a little fire would do anything to a True Ancestor Vampire such as I!

Edward: Well, good to see your ego is in tip top shape, though I can't say the same for your clothes.

To that the Fullmetal Alchemist averted his eyes elsewhere, though it was kind of stupid, considering the girl in front of him looked only ten years old. It was not as if she had anything to show at all for decency's sake, but still his Mother did say, he ought to treat girls "like a real lady" once all the fighting and quarreling was said and done at the end of the day.

Eva: Oh, is the mighty Fullmetal Chibi a closet lolicon, hmmmmm?

Edward: It's Edward Elric to you, little miss. And can we please call it even already? You lost, get over it, so we can start working together.

Eva: Bah, this is...WHAT!?

Edward: I still don't believe you're a real vampire, but those fancy moves just now, might just really be magic. In any case, I think, we can be of help to each other. The True Ancestor Vampiress and the Full Metal Alchemist! So what do you say, partners?


Of Unlucky Witches and the Worst Luck Level-0


Fate Testarossa could not understand her circumstances in the slightest. The young fugitive witch had only been locked in mortal combat but moments ago, an all or nothing duel wagering her Jewel Seeds, against a devil in white. This girl had confused her, gave her hope, made her weak, and therein lies doubt. Fate had been firm in her resolve, to do whatever it takes to make her Mother happy again, enduring heartache and hardship time and time again for that very purpose. Yet, everything had been ruined by one hopelessly naive, bright minded girl.

That is why she issued the duel. And that is why she would kill the light, for when there was no hope, there could be no doubts, no despair, either. She would be forever resolute, happy in her purpose once more.

But that had not happened. There was a bright flash, and here she was dumped into a situation beyond absurd, fighting in a space beyond infinite for the supposed amusement of "Gods". Why had she been chosen? Why now? Why here?

But, what if --- this was exactly what she wanted? Her wish? Her miracle? To live only for the fight, eternally so? No feelings. No more hesitation. Only the truth and beauty that lay in wagering one's life, living earnestly with all of one's might? If that is so, can this place, this situation not be called paradise itself?

But if so...

???: Dammit, cut it out! I already said I don't wanna fight you.

...why did she have to meet an enemy that did not want to fight her?!

Fate: Quiet, you! Bardiche: THUNDER SMASHER.

Why? Why did her enemy not want to fight her? Was she not satisfactory enough?

???: Oh man, not again!

Fate: FIRE.

An electrified column of yellow plasma erupted forth from her glowing array, surging through the air, tossing aside burning cars and debris, as it made head way towards its target. An older boy with dark spiky hair in a generic summer-issue school uniform, maybe junior high or a high school, stood helplessly in the path of her strike some thirty yards away down the cratered broadway of their ruined city. The island seemed to have been destroyed in some mortal conflict for the buildings and streets were gutted with much fire and destruction; the same the young man would be reduced to soon enough.


???: Uoooooooooohhhhhhhh!

...it was not to be, again. Striking out with his naked right hand, he planted his feet, and amazingly weathered the power of her Thunder Smasher head on. The blast dissipating but moments later into stray motes of static and wisps of steam, leaving the boy standing, triumphant but weary. What manner of magic was this that it could not be seen, required no device to speak of, and could defeat her spell so easily? This was the third time he had done such a thing, and before that too, he had defeated her thrown Arc Sabers repeatedly.

???: So, hah, you had enough yet?

Was this boy mocking her? Was this his way of proving she was unworthy? Was that why he had called out so loudly in search of another before she had ambushed him? Fate Testarossa could not accept it. She absolutely could not accept that she was weak. Trash to be thrown away!

Fate: I am not finished yet. Bardiche: Blitz Action!

This time... This time for sure! Her Scythe Slash would end it; she would take his head and prove her wor-

???: I said, knock it off!


Un...unbelieveable! Fate could not believe it. His --- that boy's right hand had defeated her Scythe Slash that used an enhanced blade to penetrate barrier-type magicks, like it was nothing. Not only that, he had perceived her strike and caught her staff with his free left hand. What. What stupidly monsterous strength! H-His --- those eyes!

???: I've got nothing against girls who wanna fight, but what really gets to me, is stubborn kids who don't listen to their elders... Especially when they tell 'em over and over again!

No, he was drawing back to strike with his right hand. ...what? Why? The flow of mana! Where is it? Where has it gone? Even her own Linker Core can't... No, he's coming!

In the face of panicked fear, young Fate Testarossa could only succumb and close her eyes. She had tried her best, had she not? What was there to feel regret over? Still, she wished that she could have...


???: Er...GYAAAAAhhhhhhhh!

Now, what was with that bizzarely anguished cry? Is not the victor to roar triumphantly in the murder of his enemy? Come to think it, why was she still alive? And what was this warm weight on her shoulder? This feeling...a hand?

Fate Testarossa opened her eyes, and realized, it suddenly felt very drafty.

???: S-Sorry! Seriously! I'm really sorry, please, don't call the cops or tell your parents about this. I don't wanna go to jail! Your clothes just...blew apart, when I grabbed you by the shoulder...

Fate Testarossa was naked, so to speak in "FULL FRONTAL NUDITY". The older boy before her was utterly red faced and looking terribly harried, eyes wide as soda bottles, while he tried to form a coherent sentence in what must have been an embarrassing situation. ...at least, so common sense goes?

???: Aw, man, this is bad luck. The worst! Why did something like this have to happen before Summer Break? Er, l-listen, big bro's name is Kamijyo Touma. Ev-eryone pretty much calls me Touma. Please, don't tell anyone about this, okay? I promise, I'll do anything! I'll be your best friend for life. Butler. Bodyguard. Or darn, your Husband until death do us part!

...was that what they called, a proposal just now?

Fate: I accept, my darling.

Huh? What did she just say? Did she mean to say it...?! B-But why? ...well, he does seem like what they call "a nice guy"?

Touma: I....HEHhhhhhhh!?

And so, the Unfortunate Black Witch met the Unfortunate Imagine Breaker, a young man whose power negates all magic, psyhcic, para-, or supernatural phenomenon, including the divine miracles --- and his own good luck. Not that it seems to stop the interest and hearts of many a woman, who is destined to be infatuated with him?


Of Ninjas and Ninjas, The Strongest Hyperactive Unpredictable Combination is born?!


???: I am the Great BLACK STAR-sama da~!

???: I am the Great UZUMAKI NARUTO-sama da yo~!

Black Star: I am the Man who will surpass God, ya hear~?

Naruto: I am the Man who will become Hokage, Lord of the Land of Fire, yeah~?

Black Star: My Brother from another star~!

Naruto: My Brother from another sunrise~!

Both: Let us go together and conquer Shinra Bansho!

It was bright; way too bright, even brighter than that strange tree off in the distance and the illusionary sun hanging over their island, a mountain zone with a forest below and a roaring river. Of course, what was too bright was the presence of those two hyperactive shinobi, standing before her, up on the tallest peak they could scramble up to.

Tsubaki Nakatsukasa only thought of in her wildest dreams that her out of control, unpredictable Black Star would ever meet a boy, who could truly be called his match. Someone who was exactly on the same soul wavelength as him. She did not remember much on how they got here, but...

Naruto: C'mon, Tsubaki-san, let's go find a way of this rock!

Black Star: Right on, bro, and we'll show that Barby guy that dares to stick his shadow into our greatness, whose got the biggest shadow of them all!

Tsubaki: *Sweatdrop.* H-Hai...

...either she was watching the birth of the strongest combination ever, or these two boys were going to be the death of her.

To be continued...? (If so, probably by someone else...)