A/N: OMG PUNS? MERRY EDGEMAS BABE!
"You know what I'm getting for Christmas? A fucking Canadian that feels the need to fly his ass back home so he could spend the holiday with his mother."
Britt sighed and frowned at MacKenzie. "I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, Matt decided his Christmas bash was present enough."
"At least he'll be there."
"Well, why didn't you go with him?"
"His mom thinks I'm atrocious."
Britt bit her lip to hold back the laughter threatening to spill out of her mouth. "Oh. That's... surprising."
Britt and Mack turned toward the entrance of the restaurant they were seated in, frowning as Ali pushed her way through a crowd of slow-pokes with an angry look on her face.
"What's the matter?" Britt asked immediately.
"Guess what happened!"
Mack rolled her eyes. "Michael came home."
"Well, obviously. I haven't left the house in three days." Ali grinned and sat down, smiling at the waiter who immediately gave her a glass of water. "No, but it's hilarious. Seriously."
"Let's hear it," MacKenzie sighed, throwing up her hands. "I hope it's funnier than Adam ditching me to be with his mom."
"I can't even say it with a straight face," she giggled.
"Can't say what with a straight face?"
Ali looked behind her, grinning up at Mike as he dropped a shopping bag beside her and bent over to hug Mack and Britt. "What happened at the mall today."
He rolled his eyes. "It wasn't that funny."
"Yes, it was!"
"What happened?" Mack asked, glancing at Mike.
Ali snorted out a laugh. "Well, you see, we were at this store – "
"This is ridiculous, Ali," Mike sighed.
"Shut up! Okay, so we were at this store, and this young girl – she was like, fifteen or some stupid age like that – is staring at Michael like he's the tasty rooster he imitates on national television."
Mike frowned. "I look like a rooster?"
"So I'm like, 'Babe, I think you have a fan over there' and Mike looks over at the girl and smiles, and the girl practically faints."
"That's not true," Michael said, bored.
"Yes, it is, now shut up. So anyway, this girl is practically drooling over him, so I'm like, 'Michael, just go over there and give her an autograph so she stops raping you with her eyes.'"
"I think you said molesting."
"Same difference. So he finally caves and goes over there, and the girl is – no lie – pissing her pants from excitement."
"That is a lie, actually."
"You're ruining my story, Michael."
He held up his hands. "Sorry."
Ali looked back at Britt and Mack, her mouth open wide. "What was I saying?"
"Girl was pissing her pants," MacKenzie offered.
"Oh! Right. So he goes over there and they're talking, and I'm standing over by some... CDs, or something – "
"They were cats. We were in a pet store."
"Shut up! So I'm standing over by some cats, and I'm pretending like I'm actually doing something instead of listening to their conversation."
"But only a couple of seconds later, Michael comes back and grabs me by the arm and hauls me out of the store like some... fucking caveman."
Mike ran a hand down his face.
"So... " Ali frowned. "Shit, I lost it."
"Hauls you out of the store," Britt said, just as MacKenzie did before.
"Right! So he hauls me out of the store, and keeps dragging me until we're like halfway across the mall, before he stops suddenly and goes, 'She doesn't watch wrestling.'"
Mike started shaking his head.
"So I'm like, 'Okay, well, why was she staring at you, then?' And he... " Ali covered her mouth, holding the laughs in as much as possible. "I can't even say it."
"I will if you can't," he said monotonously.
Ali nodded and put her head down on the table.
Mike turned to Britt and MacKenzie, a bored look on his face. "She said she thought I was Chad from 2gether."
Before Mike even got the name Chad out, MacKenzie was already laughing obnoxiously, pounding her fist against the table. Britt was in fits, covering her face so she wouldn't make Mike feel any more like shit than he already did.
"Isn't it so rich?" Ali wiped her eyes, frowning at Mike. "I'm sorry. It was just too funny."
"And to think, I even bought your present for you today."
Ali started bouncing on her seat. "No way! What'd you get me?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Because you were making fun of me."
"You should be used to that!"
"Somehow, I don't think I ever will be."
Ali pouted. "Please, Michael?"
Mike glanced at Mack and Britt, who were looking at him expectantly, then back at Ali. "Later."
"Will I like it?"
Mike smirked. "I have a feeling you will."
Ali finally had time, after wrapping numerous presents for her family and Mike, to finish all of those Christmas cards she had written but never sent. She unpacked the huge box of cards and sat down, signing her name and forging Mike's.
Mike. That's why it was so quiet. Where was he?
"It came without ribbons!"
Ali looked up from her name and smiled, trying her hardest to not look at him. She felt him behind her, but she kept her head bent, eyes back on her work.
"It came without tags," he said a little quieter, right near her ear. He smiled when she messed up her signature, watching her crumple up the card and throw it in the trash.
She looked at him, but said nothing.
"It came without packages, boxes," he slid around her, bending down with his arm around the back of her chair, "or bags."
"Are you really doing this right now?"
Mike smiled, his blue eyes twinkling. "And he puzzled and puzzled, 'til his..." He raised his brow with a twitch of his lips, "puzzler was sore."
"Only you would turn something as innocent as that into something dirty."
"Then the Grinch... thought of something," he sat up next to her hands, crossing his legs so she messed up yet another card, "he hadn't before."
"Mike, this is getting ridiculous – "
"What if Christmas," he interrupted, looking majestically at the ceiling, "he thought," he met her gaze again, quirking his head, "doesn't come from a store?"
"It does. Get over it."
Mike shrugged and hopped down, tugging on Ali's hand under she got to her feet. "What if Christmas," he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers, "perhaps, means a little bit more?"
Ali stared at him until she went cross-eyed. "Is this my present? Because I am so not liking it."
Mike pursed his lips. "And what happened then?"
Ali turned away. "Jesus Christ, Mike – "
"Well, in Whoville they say... "
"You're a retard."
"That the Grinch's small heart!"
"I'm gonna punch you in the balls."
"Grew three sizes that day."
"There won't be any growing after I'm through with you."
"And the minute his heart" –Mike spun Ali back into his arms- "didn't feel quite so tight... "
Ali stared at him blankly.
"He whizzed with his load," Mike winked. "Through the bright morning light."
"You're a sick bastard."
"He brought back the toys!" He went into his pocket. "And the food for the feast!"
"If you have mashed potatoes in your jacket again, I swear to God – "
"And he proposed to his girlfriend," Mike grinned when he opened the box. "To say the least."
Ali's eyes widened at the ring nestled inside, blinking wildly up at Mike.
He wore his cute little smirk, waiting patiently for her answer.
But she didn't answer him.
She just passed out.
Mike was laughing as he caught her before she banged her head against the floor. She was practically dead weight in his arms, but he managed to swoop her up, leaning her against the door frame.
"Baby, wake up," he choked, swallowing another chuckle. "Come on, Ali. Wake up."
Her eyelids fluttered, then shot wide open, and she was screaming, "YES!" before he even had a chance to ask her again.
"Well, I guess that settles it." Mike slid the ring on her finger and grinned. "But we need to seal the deal."
Ali put her arms around his neck. "And how do you suggest we do that?"
Mike glanced up, wiggling his eyebrows. "We're standing under the mistletoe."
Ali looked up too, then back at him. She smiled against his lips, closing her eyes as his arms tightened around her.
Mike practically fell over when she pulled back suddenly. "What's the matter?"
She snickered. "We're under the mizletoe."
Mike tried his hardest to hide the smile that was threatening to crack his face. "Only you would ruin our perfect moment by coming up with something are stupid as that."
"Yeah, but that's why you love me."
A/N: I really got a kick out of rewriting the Grinch through the Miz. I hope you liked it, babe! Review everyone.