A Very Varia Xanxusmas


It was the best time of the year. A time when all grudges were temporarily suspended and the family gathered in a spirit of tidings and good will. We mean, of course, Xanxusmas, aka theREAL10thmas, known to ignorant peons merely as Xmas. A day of celebrating the greatness of Boss for sparing their lives yet another year, and presenting shiny baubles to ease his vengeful wrath.

Xanxus nursed eggnog heavily laced with brandy instead of his usual whiskey, looking nothing like a jolly fat man as he perched in his throne, fur-lined Santa hat thrown on his head as an afterthought.

Levi decorated Gola Mosca with tinsel and brightly colored ornaments, saving the sparkly angel topper for last. Lussuria was in his sexy Mrs. Claus outfit, fighting to fit Squalo into an equally skimpy elf costume. "Eye candy for the Boss~" the sun guardian insisted. "Stay the fuck away from me," the rain guardian retorted, wielding candy canes sharpened into deadly points.

Bel sat on the bear rug near their Gola Mosca tree, bundled up in a sweater Levi had knitted for him last year. It was white with a splash of cheerful red, depicting the blood leaking out from a family of happy, smiling, decapitated snowmen that slightly resembled the Varia.

Mammon sat with him, the string of lights wrapped around his pacifier blinking festive red, green, and blue in alternating patterns. Even Phantasma showed its Xanxusmas spirit from atop Mammon's head, sleepily bearing miniature reindeer antlers made out of brown pipe cleaners.

Bel picked up the gaily wrapped package that Mammon pushed toward him and hefted it to gauge the weight.

"Shishishi. It's Mammon-sized. I bet there's a Mammon inside," Bel guessed craftily.

"I'm right here, Bel," Mammon reminded.

"Riiiiight," Bel said, completely unconvinced as he brought the box up to his ear and gave it a violent rattle. He set it back onto his lap and laid waste to the wrapping.

"It's a Mammon, I can just feel it," he confided excitedly as he tore open the box with help from one of his knives. "The prince is never wrong."

Bel peered inside and found... a Mammon in his birthday suit, a tiny frog crown on his hoodless head!

(At this point, we would like to clarify that we mean the snappy suit Mammon wore to Bel's formal birthday dinner three days prior, not anything perverted which would require a change to the story's rating.)

"As expected of Mammon. You knew just what I wanted!" Bel clapped his hands with glee. He let the open box slide off to the side so that he could hug the real Mammon outside the box. "Thank you, Mammon!"

"Should I call you a genius for guessing correctly, Bel?" Mammon rolled his eyes as he released his illusion and discreetly took back the set of shiny, silver knives. Good thing he had kept the receipt; he still had 19 days to return for a cash refund.

"Here's your gift," Bel announced, producing a fancy envelope with flourish.

Mammon nodded with approval and took it with greedy eagerness. Envelopes were good. They usually meant money, checks, or gift cards.

He carefully unsealed the flap and took out... a sheaf of rainbow-colored paper! Promising things like, "One free get out of being killed. (Unless I've snapped and can't stop myself from killing, shishishi.)" and "One free snuggle session with the Prince! (Non-transferrable. Do NOT sell to Lussuria!)"

"Did you even look at my wish list?" Mammon asked crossly as he looked up from his 'gift'.

"This was better than anything on your list, because it was so much more thoughtful!" Bel declared with princely confidence.

"You owe me a real present, Bel. Or at least its cash equivalent."

"Shishishi. Are you certain you want to act ungrateful, you snotty brat? Because right now, those cards may have more value than your entire fortune."

Mammon plucked out one of the get-out-of-kill-free cards and handed it over.

"Card redeemed~" Bel sang as he tore it to shreds and showered them with confetti.

"Mu," Mammon exhaled in relief as he reevaluated his present. The gift of continued life did outweigh a gift of cash. Only by a little bit, though.

He tucked the cards for safekeeping (and quick access) under his mantle, far away from his special Mammon paper lest he get them confused. He needed to ration the get-out-of-kill-free cards throughout the coming year, and Boss only knew how insulted the prince would be if Mammon were to accidentally blow his nose into the gift.

"Ooohhh, you look absolutely stunning, Squalo-chan~" Lussuria sang with admiration as he finished strongarming Squalo into the tight leggings and struck a seductive pose. "Don't you agree, Boss?"

Xanxus snorted into his drink. "A pair of ugly cows," he commented, looking faintly amused. "Stripes make you look fat."

"VOOIIII, shut the fuck up, Xanxus," Squalo yelled louder than usual to cover his embarrassment. He ripped the elf earmuffs off his head and threw them to the ground for emphasis. "This is retarded. I'm going to my room."

Parabolas, tentacles, knives with wires, and a plated knee stopped Squalo from carrying out his threat, and Xanxus beaned Squalo with his glass.

"Don't be a grinch, Squalo." Levi shook his head in disappointment.

"It's not very Xanxusmas-like," Mammon agreed.

"Shishishi... it's a day for family, whether you like it or not."

"Ufu~ And you really do look sexy~ all smoldering with Boss's eggnog dripping down your face~ "

"..." Squalo fumed angrily, but notably did not wipe his face off.

"Come over here, shitty shark," Xanxus ordered, words slightly slurred. Damn, that was some good nog. Lussuria really hadn't held back on the alcohol at all.

Squalo angrily stomped his way to Xanxus's throne. "You think this is funny, you sadistic bas-"

His righteous ranting was cut off when Xanxus hooked a finger into his waistband and tugged. It was either fall into Xanxus's lap or have the tiny skirt pulled straight off. Squalo decided the first option was less humiliating, and Xanxus received a lap full of shark.

Just what he wanted!

"Have you been naughty or nice?" Xanxus leered like some perverted version of Santa that gave parents nightmares.

"The hell?"

"I take that as naughty," Xanxus purred and gave Squalo's ass a hard spank.

"What the fuuuuuuuck?!"

"Merry Xanxusmas, you piece of trash," Xanxus smirked arrogantly before he smashed their lips together in a rough, drunken kiss, groping Squalo's smarting ass beneath the skirt.

"Mou~ I wish my own honey was here~" Lussuria lamented with clasped hands as he watched the loving scene.

"Xanxusmas is for family. It's not some stupid date holiday like Valentine," Bel remarked as Mammon wrapped him with discarded ribbons.

"Easy for you to say. Your boyfriend's part of the family!" Lussuria sidled up to the pair, waggling his brows suggestively and interrupting their bondage play. "Ne, how about letting Luss-neesan join in on your reindeer games?"

"Shishishi, Mammon wouldn't allow it."

"You wouldn't be able to afford my rates," Mammon agreed, climbing into Bel's lap possessively. "And I give nothing of mine away for free."

Lussuria sighed dramatically, then whirled and pointed. "Then, I guess I'll have to make do with you, Levi-chan~! Even though Gola Mosca's cold, unmoving body is more my type."

And Levi and Lussuria paired up to share a very manly, macho kiss. Just kidding. It was a pretty gay kiss, with Lussuria hopping into Levi's arms like a demented princess, and making effeminate "ufu~" sounds the entire time.

Not cheating though, as Lussuria would explain to his honey later, because they were under the mistletoe.

Levi carried Lussuria out of the room to give Xanxus time alone to play with his favorite toy, and Mammon towed Bel out by a leash of red ribbon.

The group paused at the doorway and channeled their affection into a hearty chorus.

"Merry Xanxusmas, Boss!"


The End


Was afraid I wouldn't finish this in time, since I only thought of it yesterday. It's a Xanxusmas miracle! (Or not. This is really lazy/rushed writing.) Happy holidays to all~!


December 25, 2008