The Things We Never Talk About

Collection of One Shots about things, some big, some small, that have happened between Sam and Jack over the years. S/J Established.


Was it you?

It was a bright sunny morning in a small cabin in Minnesota. But by the way that the man of the house was carrying on, you would think that there were dark clouds overhead. Something was eating at him from the inside, and he decided that he was going to take it out on the pans as he cooked breakfast. He'd had a horrible dream the night before.

Not saying that Jack O'Neill was someone who wasn't used to bad dreams, he had them quite regularly, but very rarely did he have them about her... his Sam. But last night, a moment came back to him with a vengeance. He had let it go years before, believed that it was the... Tok'ra... inside her. But after the way he saw her last night, he wasn't so sure anymore.

There was a hitch in her voice, and a look in her eye. Something that told him that it was Sam. But he had pushed the thought from his head so many times over the years. It wasn't. It was... that snake... controlling her. Controlling her thoughts, her emotions, her speech, even her body. Not unlike when he was controlled by his for that short time.

An involuntary shutter racked Jack's body. When he thought about Kanan strings of obscenities would rattle around in his head. But Kanan controlled him, made him go to that god-awful planet... Jack hung his head. What did Kanan say? "You would do it for your Samantha."

"Come on, O'Neill." He told himself. He paused, putting his hands on the counter and tried to calm the muscles that were starting to spasm throughout his upper body. But before he knew it, every inch of his body had started to succumb. The spasms were reaching into his entire being. Jack absently brought his hand up to his chest and rubbed a spot where a scar should have existed.

Sam was so much of a stronger person than he was... in so many different ways. For as much as he hated Kanan, Sam forgave Jolinar. Not only did Jolinar invade her, there was no "blending" as they liked to call it, but she brought an assassin in to kill her. Jolinar's indiscretion almost cost Carter her life. And as classic Sam... Sam forgave it... forgave her.

"Breakfast?" Sam said in a way of a greeting, as she slid her arms around him, hugging his back. Even though he couldn't see her, her tone told him that she was smiling.

Sam had always told him so much through her looks and stares, through her smiles and frowns, through her eyes. And that is what got him last night. It was the way that she looked at him before they both closed their eyes, and fell asleep in each other's arms.

And then the dream came. Wait... it wasn't really a dream, it was a nightmare. It was something he tried to stop. He had gotten used to doing that as well, stopping the nightmares, but his control on this one didn't exist. This one kept coming and becoming worse and worse before he finally forced himself to open is eyes. In this one, it wasn't Jolinar in a holding cell, it was Sam. And Sam is the one that called out his name.

"JACK!" Her voice was heavy with emotion. She was frightened.

There was no trace of Jolinar. The person staring back at him from behind those bars was Sam.

He tensed again, remembering the panic that he felt at that moment, and how it mimicked itself last night. She was so careful after that. Even when the situation would call for it, she would never say his first name. She would never utter that one syllable word, not until much much later when it seemed safe for her to do it... again.

It was Sam. Sam was the one pleading with him. She told him so much in that moment, in that simple utterance of his name. She loved him, even if she didn't know it herself then. He walked away from it, knowing that Sam would be the solider that her record said that she was. He had to. He couldn't imagine it then. He was her CO. She was his subordinate. The only thing it could be. The only thing it... was.

"Jack?" She asked, concern touching her words.

There was that name again. His name. He slowly turned around, not to disturb her arms around him. "Carter, I need to ask you something."

A look of deep concern crossed her face, and etched itself in the small lines that were forming around her eyes. There was something in the way that he said it. In the way that he carefully moved to not break contact between them, that all too familiar look in his eyes. And with the mention of "Carter" to all of the above... the look on her face told him to go on, that he had her full attention.

"I need to ask you about Jolinar."

Silence echoed off the walls. It had been years since her named had been uttered, years since Sam had even thought about her. To think about Jolinar was to think about other things. Things that were best left where they were. Feelings that were best left, with Jolinar, in the past.

Sam swallowed a lump that was beginning to form in her throat. She looked at Jack, and wondered what had possibly possessed him to bring her up; to bring her up now? "What about Jolinar?" She could barely get the question out without choking on the name.

"When... when she was... when she was in you... and you were in that holding cell..." He looked back and caught her eyes. Eyes that were curious and questioning. Eyes that showed him exactly what she was feeling in her soul. "There was some pleading and such... and she called out my name. Call it perverse curiosity, but I just need to know."

"Need to know what?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Was it you? Was it you that called out to me?"

Sam didn't know how to answer.

To say that it was her was to admit that she had started to feel differently towards him. At this point, in their relationship, he had finally come to respect her. He respected her as not only a scientist, but as an Air Force Officer. She was someone that he trusted to watch his six. If he thought that she had started to feel... if she had already started to think about him more than just her CO... would he lose respect for her now? Would it change the way that he felt about her? Not in the grand scheme of things, she knew, but would it start to erode at the core base of his feelings toward her? Would he come to think of her as dishonest for keeping this from him? Would he think that she had more secrets? Was that the answer he wanted?

But to say it was Jolinar? The Tok'ra... she didn't demonetize them as Jack did. If Sam admitted to him that it was her, would that set his mind right? If she told him that Jolinar had used her voice, had just plain used her, would it make a difference in the way that he looked at her? Even though he turned away, was that a moment? One of the very first moments when he started to think about Sam in a different way than just being a member of his team? What if the Tok'ra wasn't the answer he was looking for? What if he wanted it to be Sam that said it? What was Jack searching for? What was the answer that he needed?

She closed her eyes and opened them again.

"Come on Carter," he said his voice soft, "Just tell me. It doesn't matter either way, I just need to know. Was it you?"

"It was..."


Fin

A/N: I am in the Jolinar camp. I think it was Jolinar playing off of Sam's emotions, which is why "Jack" sounded the way that it did. I understand that there are those of you that think it was Sam. Which is why "Jack" sounded the way that it sounded.

There is no right or wrong answer... Just tell me your choice in the reviews.

And as always, a huge thank you to my beta Slidell. She rocks. You should check out her stuff. It's really good.