I thought this idea up a few months ago, while I was angsting out over Jiraiya's death.

But it's definitely not the drama it sounds like, if you'd read only that above sentence. Really, if I was going to make a Jiraiya tribute, it had to be somehow perverted in form. Thus, I present to you...

He'd Be Proud: A Jiraiya Tribute

"Naruto? Naruto! Are you in there?"

Sakura, Kakashi, and Sai were standing outside of Naruto's apartment. All three of them had received a summons from the Hokage telling them to fetch Naruto and see her. Sasuke had just had his monthly psych check, and he'd been given the privilege of visitors once again. The Hokage wanted Naruto to be present for a full briefing. They'd searched all over Konoha for the blonde, but he remained elusive. At eighteen years old, all of the prankster skills he had cultivated when he was younger were put to good use when he wanted to hide away. If he wasn't in his apartment, then they were totally out of ideas.

"Na-ru-to! If you don't answer this door RIGHT NOW, I'm –"

The door swung open. Naruto was standing there. But instead of his usual clueless grin, he was sporting a tense, annoyed frown. Sakura noticed, as she suspected Sai and Kakashi did, that his shirt was on backwards. What exactly had they interrupted?

"Yeah? What is it?"

"The Hokage gave us a summons, we were supposed to be there half an hour ago!" Sakura said angrily, affecting a glare at him for good measure. "Where were you?!"

"I've been here the whole time, geez!" he said back, equally upset. Sakura took a step back, surprised at his hostility.

"Are you alright?" Kakashi asked, hoping to cool the situation. "You seem a bit – off, right now, Naruto…"

Sai's sharp eyes surveyed Naruto critically, thinking that perhaps it would be wise to educate himself before commenting on the strange red marks on Naruto's neck. Since Kakashi and Sakura hadn't yet said anything, he put it away to discuss another time.

"I'm just – a little sleep deprived, I guess," he said roughly, running his hands through his hair and looking away anxiously. Kakashi raised his eyebrow questioningly. Naruto? Sleep-deprived? The kid could sleep like a log anywhere, and what he didn't actually sleep through the Kyuubi could make up for. Sakura narrowed her eyes.

"There's something you're not telling us," she said, looking at him closely. "What aren't you telling us?"

"That's ridiculous!"

"Naruto, who are you trying to fool here?" asked Kakashi, perfectly calm. "How long have we been on a team together now?"

"Six years," he grumbled out. "I get where you're going with this – but save it, please. Seriously, get started on your way to Grandma's office, I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, okay?"

"Naruto," said Sai, who had grown out of the affectionate 'Dickless' nickname. "I can feel another chakra in your apartment."

The blonde paled as Kakashi, Sakura, and Sai all stared at him, giving his tan skin a strange pallor as they waited for an explanation. Naruto laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head and attempting to put on a more convincing show.

"Ehehe, that's crazy, I –"

"Alright, get out of the way!" Sakura pushed aside his arm and barreled inside, looking around with a keen eye. Kakashi and Sai followed her inside, blowing past the defeated Naruto.

"So who's in here?" Sakura asked, turning to look at him. He crossed his arms over his chest belligerently and snorted. "What kind of ninja are you? Can't you find out yourself?"

"Just what are you implying?"

"I don't know, what do you think?" he said with a sneer. She took a step back, clearly startled and hurt. Then the hurt melted into anger, and Sakura balled her fist.

"Sakura, Naruto is obviously stalling for time," said Kakashi patiently, attempting to mediate the oncoming battle. "You should really just ignore him and look elsewhere."

"In here," they heard Sai call from the direction of the kitchen. Naruto sighed in resignation as Sakura stormed off and Kakashi followed her. What they saw halted both in their tracks completely.

Hinata was frozen, as a deer in the headlights, hanging on the side of the refrigerator with an open carton of milk poised next to her lips. Her long, dark hair was mussed with sleep and perhaps other things; Sai once again didn't comment on the strange red marks on her neck or on the bruised state of her lips. She was wearing a large black shirt with an orange spiral on the front and boxers printed with frogs. The shirt was far too large for her; the boxers were barely visible and the shirt kept slipping down either shoulder, revealing a different swath of milky-white skin each time. Certain ways in which the shirt slipped led Sakura and Kakashi to believe that, underneath it, she wore nothing.

"Um… good morning?"

"Good morning," Sai returned politely. Kakashi and Sakura, on the other hand, were stopped dead in their tracks, unable to comprehend.

Hinata wearing Naruto's clothes plus Hinata being in Naruto's apartment, drinking from his milk carton, plus Naruto not wanting to see his beloved team equaled…?

Equaled - ?!

But no; they were not married, not even engaged to be married! Kakashi thought to himself. Hinata just wouldn't allow it. She had been raised a proper girl, and whatever her father's reaction might have been would most likely have prevented her from doing anything of that sort. There was obviously some perfectly logical, non-sexual explanation as to why Hinata was in Naruto's apartment, dressed only his clothes, looking very well-ravished. Kakashi sighed very quietly. Oh well. It had been a nice, lecherous thought while it had lasted.

"H-H-Hinata…" Sakura stuttered, gaze flying from her teammate to her friend again and again, frenetically. "Wha – you – Naruto –"

Naruto was blushing furiously as he scratched the back of his head – a favorite nervous habit. Hinata, on the other hand, seemed composed, a little uncomfortable, and even – Sakura thought she might've hallucinated this – a bit annoyed? Impossible. Hinata didn't get annoyed at anybody. And she wasn't even blushing!

"Can I help you with something this morning, Sakura-san?" Hinata asked, very polite. Her fellow kunoichi didn't answer, so Hinata turned to Kakashi. "Kakashi-sensei? No? Naruto, do you have a mission?"

That seemed to shake Sakura out of her shocked stupor. "Yeah, you can help me with something!" The pinkette was livid. "Naruto, what is Hinata doing in your apartment, wearing your clothes?" She turned to Hinata and grasped her on the shoulders a little tighter than necessary. "Did he take advantage of you? Hinata, do you need a check up or –"

"Sakura-san, Naruto never once took advantage of me," Hinata said. This time she sounded a bit offended. "You should know your teammate better than that, I think."

Sakura blinked. Something was wrong about the way Hinata had just told her off.

"Naruto and I just spent the night together."

That was it! There was no ­–kun suffix after Naruto's name. Wait, what had she just said?

"Hinata-san, I think we misunderstood you," said Kakashi kindly. This poor, naïve girl had no idea what she was saying!

"Naruto and I slept together," Hinata said, attempting to clarify.

"So you were dozing in Naruto's apartment?" Sakura asked, tilting her head in confusion.

"She said 'slept together'," Sai pointed out. "Perhaps they dozed on the same bed."

"That would make more sense, but in context? This is Hinata, I just don't think that would happen."

"I have to agree with her there." Kakashi rubbed his chin in thought. "Plus, given who her father is… any boy who did that sort of thing with Hinata would definitely be castrated! Naruto's not that dumb."

As they continued to muse, neither Kakashi nor Sakura nor Sai noticed that Naruto had grown very pale and unsteady. Hinata, sensing a collapse, hurried to grab a chair from the kitchen. Naruto crumpled into it almost instantly.

"Yeah, he may have his moments, but he's not that slow," said Sakura mirthfully. "I mean, imagine Neji's reaction!"

Unseen by his team, Naruto paled further. Hinata whispered comforting things into his ear and rubbed his shoulders so that he slowly relaxed, color returning to his face. Soon, he was putty in her capable Hyuuga hands, totally uncaring of her father's or her cousin's opinion – or at least forgetting about it for the moment.

Sai watched all of this silently. He didn't really understand the subtle shift in emotions on Hinata's face, but he did notice how her fingernails went from gently massaging Naruto's shoulder to idly running across his jaw, and the way that she pressed herself into Naruto's back, whispering so intimately into his ear. Gosh, her mouth was close to his ear – wait, did she just nibble -

"Ah, Sakura-san…" He tried to get her attention, but she was still laughing heartily with Kakashi. Hm. Well, this was human interaction right? And there was always more that he could learn from people. So he observed.

Naruto had contorted in the seat so that he and Hinata could – what was the word? – oh yes, kiss. And they were doing it rather vigorously, if he were to judge. Naruto had pulled Hinata around to provide easier access and then pulled her onto his lap so that she straddled him. Sai took out his drawing pad and began to sketch.

"Right, Naruto? Naruto? Naruto, I'm – OH MY GOD!" When Hinata had said, "spent the night" she really had meant it… and Sakura could have possibly been the slightest bit jealous. Not because it was Naruto, but because her own love interest was locked up.

Sakura's shriek had no affect on either Naruto or Hinata. In fact, they seemed to be aware of nothing but each other at the moment. Kakashi was transfixed as well, unable to comprehend. Slowly –slowly so that he could enjoy the moment – a grin spread across his face.

"Take it home, Naruto!"

The blonde's lips left Hinata's with a slight pop, like suction, and he looked around her for a moment in horrified mortification. "WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING IN MY APARTMENT?"

"We've got to visit Sasuke now, you baka!" Sakura hissed at him, not able to reach her full volume out of sheer shock. "Aww fuck," Naruto muttered to himself – and probably to Hinata. "I should probably go…"

Hinata, who had been content to hide her face in Naruto's shoulder until his team went away, was apparently much displeased with this idea. Her lips attacked his neck fiercely and she buried her hands in his hair, fisting them to keep him in place. He halfway bit back a groan, but still managed to create a kage bushin with one hand. It waved its hands in the air like a traffic cop.

"Alright, voyeurs! Show's over, clear off!"

"What do you think you're doing! Our visitation is today only!" said Sakura, in a slight panic.

"He'll catch up with us, won't you, Naruto?" Kakashi replied, helping the clone shuffled his other two students out of the door, Sai still scribbling furiously.

"Yeah, I'll – oh, god, Hinata! – catch up with you guys – later…"

As the kage bushin finished shooing them out of the apartment and down the stairs to the front entrance, it was clear that Kakashi was grinning behind his mask.

"Sakura, I know you could hit me for this, but considering Naruto's other sensei, I think he'd be proud!"


Pahahaha. This story is nothing short of ridiculous. Enjoy it!