Author's Note: "What a bunch of nonjon" is just going to be my miscellaneous posting collection. Some drabbles, some abandoned ideas, some incomplete starts I probably won't finish. Primarily it'll be weird fics I don't know what to do with. Some will be new to you, but some may not.
Most will be Harry Potter, but some won't. If you're looking for the next great fanfic, something long or updated regularly, then look elsewhere. This is the random crap file, the mental dump where plot bunnies get put out to pasture. I'll most likely preface each update with an explanation of whether a fic is old or new, was posted elsewhere, why it's here and not a story of its own. As well as a warning if it's complete, abandoned, or unfinished. And of course what fandom it is.
So without further ado, I shall begin with a repost of an old Harry Potter one-shot that was deleted from this very website. It was removed because I had rated it T and others took offense to that. My interpretation was that if I had rated the fic M then it never would have been removed, and ever since then I've rated every fic I post on this site as "M." Statistically, it's just safer. And more often than not my fics have enough crude language and events that the M rating is warranted anyway.
I've cleaned up the writing a little, but this is from when my writing was much rougher and the drugs affected me much more. Consider yourself warned.
Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J. K. Rowling I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
YOU SHALL NOT HARM HARRY POTTER!
Dobby was a very happy elf.
It was Harry Potter's seventh year at Hogwarts and he'd been named Head Boy. Over four years ago, Harry Potter had freed Dobby and ever since that moment Dobby knew Harry Potter was without doubt the absolute greatest wizard ever. Harry Potter had destroyed He-Whose-Name-Be-Explanatory-And-Obvious and put an end to the dark times.
Sadly even in the aftermath of the defeat of Don't-Say-His-Name-You-Stupid-Elf Harry Potter was not entirely safe. There were still bad wizards and witches out there. There were still many people who wanted to hurt Harry Potter. And Dobby considered it his duty to protect Harry Potter.
Dobby informed the Headmaster that Dobby was going to focus on protecting Harry Potter. Dobby assured the Headmaster that Dobby would not neglect his other house elf duties, but when compared to Harry Potter, those duties came in a distant second. The Headmaster agreed with Dobby and thought that protecting Harry Potter was an excellent idea. Ever since that moment Dobby knew the Headmaster was a truly great and wonderful wizard, probably the second best in the world.
Dobby hid and watched Harry Potter during the welcoming feast. Dobby didn't think Harry Potter noticed all the threats around him. Dobby saw the hunger for evil in many witches' and a few wizards' eyes. Dobby knew it would be up to him to protect Harry Potter. Even the greatest, most wonderful wizards sometimes needed help from their friends. And that was what Harry Potter had called Dobby: his friend.
Dobby took that honor and responsibility very seriously.
Ever since Dobby had been freed, Harry Potter was something of an honorary Master to Dobby. Dobby treated Harry Potter like a Master, even if Harry Potter treated Dobby like a friend.
It was three days into the school year when Dobby first got to save Harry Potter. Dobby felt his honorary Master's emotions running wild. Fear clearly shining out among them. Dobby knew Harry Potter was in the private Head Boy's room. Dobby burst through the door and saw the grisly scene playing out before him. Harry Potter was fighting Miss Ginny Wheezy. Harry Potter had obviously been fighting back hard, as he'd successfully banished away all of Miss Wheezy's clothes. But Miss Wheezy's left hand had a firm grip on Harry Potter while she appeared to be biting him in a very sensitive area.
Dobby saw the anguish on Harry Potter's face and knew he had to act fast.
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby screamed as his house elf magic tore Miss Wheezy away from Harry Potter. She slammed into the far wall and slumped to the floor unconscious.
Harry Potter turned to Dobby with wide and arguably thankful eyes. He asked "Dobby! What the bloody hell are you doing?"
Dobby smiled and explained, "Dobby is protecting Harry Potter." A snap of his fingers announcing his disappearance and Dobby was gone, back to his house elf work.
Roughly a week later Dobby again felt a distress call coming from his unofficial Master. Even through the silencing charms placed around the Astronomy Tower, Dobby could hear Harry Potter screams of helplessness. When Dobby got to the roof, he was shocked at what he found. Loony Lovergood had tied Harry Potter's hands behind his back, stripped him naked, and gagged his mouth. If Dobby had been any slower, he thought her Crumpled-Horn might pierce Harry's Snorkack.
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby bellowed at the blonde girl in the exceptionally small and tight maid's uniform. Loony Lovergood came up for air just in time to catch a face full of house elf magic. She slumped forward right back where her face had been and began to snore.
Harry Potter turned his head to look over his shoulder and saw Dobby there. Harry expressed his gratitude by saying "Mmthpt Phrumbbul Fvoo Fruthbul Blulf!"
Dobby may not have caught all the words through the ball-gag, but the meaning was clear. Dobby smiled before resuming his other duties. His work here was done.
Two weeks passed before Dobby found himself on another rescue mission. A quick search of the castle was all it took for Dobby to discover Harry Potter had been locked into the Room of Requirement. Dobby knew he had to act quickly. Popping straight into the room, Dobby was shocked to find Harry Potter had been handcuffed to a bed! Miss Hermaninny Ganger had a look of pure wanton evil on her face, not to mention the whip in her right hand and paddle in her left.
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby screamed his elf power mantra. Hermaninny had no time to react before she was launched through the air and into the wall.
Harry Potter had an extremely grateful look on his face. Truth be told, Dobby thought Harry Potter looked a little saddened and resigned to his fate. But Dobby knew Harry Potter had just been through a traumatic experience and would undoubtedly be grateful later. Dobby was about to leave when he spotted something tucked in the back corner of the room.
"Winky! What are you doing here?"
Winky burst into tears. "Miss Ganger told Winky to work the camera! Winky didn't want to do it. It was awful. Miss Ganger was paddling Great Wizard Harry Potter's bottom and he was crying! Winky could do nothing." Dobby put a comforting arm around the poor sobbing little elf's shoulders. They walked out of the Room of Requirement to do a little good old fashioned house elf work. After all, nothing cleanses the soul like pine-scented bleach.
Dobby was beginning to get worried. It had been almost a month since he last was needed to protect Harry Potter. And Dobby could tell Harry Potter was getting frustrated. Problem was Dobby knew that when Harry Potter was frustrated, he was opening himself up to surprise attacks.
Just as Dobby feared, the very next day evil once again reared its ugly head. Miss Handsy Abbott and Miss Susie Bonesers had been laying in wait for the conclusion of a DA meeting. After everyone else had gone back to their common rooms, the dangerous Hufflepuffs sealed Harry Potter in the room and attacked him with fervor. The two villainous witches tackled Harry to the ground. Susie Bonesers was sitting on Harry's legs preventing him from escaping on foot. And when Dobby kicked down the door Handsy Abbott was in the process of suffocating Harry Potter with her ample bosom.
Dobby could tell Harry's breathing was not normal at all.
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby emphatically announced. Susie Bonesers and Handsy Abbott floated up in the air before their head collided with a loud conk sound and they fell to the ground, freed from the waking world.
Dobby realized he'd been just in time because as soon as he was safe, Harry Potter burst into tears. Poor Harry Potter cried and cried. Dobby didn't think Harry Potter would ever get to be a normal wizard.
Dobby went back to his temporarily abandoned house elf duties, cursing all these evil witches. He couldn't understand why so many people wanted to torment his honorary Master. Harry Potter was a great, magnificent, wonderful wizard. And it was beginning to seem to Dobby as if Harry Potter's life was in even more danger since He-Who-Made-Up-A-French-Name-And-That-Shouldn't-Scare-Anyone was no longer around.
A mere single week later the forces against Harry Potter tried again. Harry Potter had been minding his own business when he was forced into a dungeon. Dobby sensed the danger immediately. Dobby sprinted to the dungeon where Harry Potter was being held hostage and found three horribly evil Slytherins on their knees in some unidentifiable dark ritual. Tracey Davis, Daphne Greengrass, and Pansy Parkinson had all removed their clothing and appeared to be channeling evil magic through Harry Potter's toes, neck, and right earlobe.
"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby said with the usual firm convictions, and the three evildoers were slammed into the corner unconscious.
Harry Potter started to laugh a very sad, hopeless sounding laugh. "Why, Dobby? Why?"
"Dobby does not understand evil, great wizard Harry Potter. But have no fear, Dobby will protect you!" A snap of house elf fingers and Dobby was gone.
Dobby was shocked when just a few hours later he again felt the call of distress from Harry Potter. He scurried up to the Head Boy's room and burst in, yelling "You shall not harm-… err, Harry Potter? Why are you harming yourself?"
"Why, Dobby?" Harry Potter repeated incredulously. "Why? Because I cannot take this anymore! I feel like I'm going to burst! And no one is going to be able to help me!" He was obviously quite frustrated.
Dobby's lips curled into a smile of understanding. He knew that look on Harry Potter's face. He'd seen it on his old Master's face many times. "Dobby will help you, Harry Potter. Dobby is a good house elf."
"That's not what I mean, Dobby. I… umm, Dobby?" Harry looked on curiously confused at the approaching and wildly grinning elf. "Err... Dobby what are you do- Oh. Oh... my. D- D- Dobby."
And ever since that moment Dobby knew there would never be a house elf as happy nor as proud as Dobby.
Author's Note: Written in early-mid 2005. Deleted in early 2006. Cleaned up and reposted in late 2008.