Chapter 17

Being a vampire I had never particularly preferred the sun. Not surprising, I know. The fact I couldn't exactly stand on a street corner without making the cars crash out of shock was kind of a damper on the whole sunshine thing. But right now I didn't just dislike the sun I loathed it.

At this moment I was pacing in my room as anger and disappointment washed through me. It was three in the morning and just moments ago Alice had informed us that we could not go to school on Tuesday. Now, I understand how humans could hate the droning on school days, for I didn't favor them either, but if I couldn't go I wouldn't be able to see Bella. How would I know what she thought of the storage/library I showed her? What about her day? Who would she eat lunch with? I hated these questions. Damn the sun.

"At least you only have today." Alice skipped into my room without knocking or asking. She always just barged in, it was starting to make me angry…or maybe it was because I was already in a foul mood.

"Uh," I groaned as I thought about that one, just one, day. "I hate the sun." I grumbled and infuriatingly enough Alice laughed. She laughed at me! First she just invades my room without a care of decency; then she laughs at me? Without knowing I had started a low growl in the back of my throat. Jasper rushed in the room, fearing Alice's safety, and sent me calming waves. I breathed in deeply trying to recover.

"Sorry, Alice, Jasper." I spoke sincerely.

"That's okay! You weren't going to do anything. Jasper just likes to over react." Alice beamed up at me like I had won a prize. Even for the undead this family is odd.

I wonder what Alice did to make him so angry? Jasper thought curiously. Maybe if I encourage him to tell me . . .

"Alice, why don't you and Jasper go shopping?" I suggested smiling sweetly and glancing at Jasper. Jasper's face turned from a shocked horror to a face of betrayal and hatred. Alice's face on the other hand turned happy and hopeful.

I gave Jasper a knowing look and he gave me a classic hand caught in the cookie jar back.

Stupid mind reader . . . Jasper was then dragged out of the room.

Now I was alone.

I needed something, anything to do, and anything without sunlight. Anything other than what I wanted to do. I felt myself pacing quickly across the wooden floor, only to be stopped by a thought.

Edward, Esme thought calmingly. As my pacing creased, Esme continued. Why don't you come down here with me in the garden? It was something to do, so I took it.

Following Esme down to her garden, I tried to keep my mind numb as possible. It isn't an easy task for a speeding mind. The garden was filled with flowers, of any kind. Esme could make anything grow, it didn't matter the weather. At every home we had Esme made sure there was a little paradise in the lard. It was a calming place, sort of hopeful.

We were picking weeds and sitting silently next to each other, while I thought or tried not to. As I pulled the weeds I tried carefully not to touch any of the flowers, too afraid to hurt them. I worked slowly matching Esme's pace my mood still sour.

"Edward?" Esme called me from reverie. "What's wrong, dear?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." I said in surprise. And here I thought I was doing well to hide my mood. Maybe Esme knows me too well?

"So 'nothing' caused you to sit in silence and mechanically pick weeds?" Esme asked me in her knowing voice filled with kindness. I looked up in resign, glaring at the bright ball in the sky.

"I hate the sun," was all I murmured back. Esme smiled understandingly, and with a smile that knew something I didn't.

"Don't hate the sun, Edward. The sun brings life-"

"And sunburn," I interrupted. Even though I can't ever sunburn it sounded like a good reason to hate the sun, after all it could burn Bell- Stop it! I was trying to not think about her. Esme smiled broadened and she continued without commenting.

"It gives life to all things. Take these flowers for example, these daisies." Esme gestured to the patch of flowers I had taken a daisy from and explained how loving Bella was. And suddenly I was happy, shy, and sad all at once. Esme saw all of this.

"Being in love can be confusing." A shock went through me. I . . . was in love? Of course that is what that feeling was. The eyes that hunger for her, the hands that longed to touch her, the lips that ached for hers; I had done a shameless act. How dare I, a vampire, fall for an angel? I recoiled from my stance and swiftly jerked away from the flower that symbolized so much. "Edward-" Esme tried to comfort while stepping towards me.

"Don't!" I screamed at her in panic; somewhere inside me I felt guilt for yelling at Esme but right now that was buried by the other emotions that twisted, raged inside of me. I was at war. The hand that Esme had reached to me curled in a hurt surprise.

"Don't," I repeated in just a breath of a whisper. I could hear the pain and warning in my tone and hated my weakness. I could see myself in Esme's mind, black eyes cold and burning showing a piece of the monster I had inside.

"Edward . . . What did I do?" Esme whispered still in shock and she had the right to be. I acted ruthlessly, selfishly toward her. Where was I slipping to? I hurt her. Once again, all I did was bring pain.

"You . . . You did nothing wrong. It was me that selfishly reacted to your kindness. All you did was enlighten me, as a mother should." I picked my words carefully, and my tone even more carefully. I tried to sound thankful, but my voice sounded dead, lifeless. I knew better than to let Esme see my eyes till I was calm again; I could picture the beast again lurking in them, so I looked to the treetops.

"Enlighten you?" Esme asked quietly, her thoughts filled with fear. She fears you, the monster growled at me, your own mother fears you. And though I hated to admit it, he was right.

"Yes," I spoke curtly, almost rudely, as my anger had still yet to die down. I walked past Esme to the garden of smiling daisies that taunted me. Leaning down and pulling a single daisy between my unforgiving fingers, I let it drop in my icy palm and continued. "You enlightened me on what cannot grow in the Sun." About how I couldn't live in the sun, about how Bella must live in the sun, and about how it would be a wrong doing of me to make the sun meet the darkest of nights. I stared at the poor flower then slowly let it slip away, just as I would need to do, slip away. "Thank you, Esme, for sharing your time with me." My voice was now kind and defeated. I walked into the house not waiting for a reply.

I knew what I had to do, what I should do. Leave. Save her. Save my Bella. For her I could leave, would leave. It was what was right. Painful as it may be even for only me I knew I could not endanger her soul. If anything in the cruel world could justify its creation it would be Bella and Bella alone. To destroy her would destroy my entire world. But isn't leaving just the same as destroying your world, the less noble side of me questioned. No, I could leave her and I would still be barely alive but living. Living? Ha, was I living? Was I living or a curse to this Earth? Whenever did I start questioning that? I knew that this world was better off without a murder such as I am. A never-ending monster that was born to torment this world.

Leave, I commanded myself. Keep on track, and don't forget the good you are trying to save. I had to leave tonight. I ran to my bedroom, packing as quickly as possible. All I needed to do was leave for a few years. I held my chest at the pain that stabbed me there. Leave, leave, leave, I chanted. As soon as I had my things, I rushed to the car to drop them off, only to be stopped. Alice was leaning against the side of my Volvo.

Edward you can't leave, Alice thought without looking at me. Though it was a demand her voice was small, pleading with me.

"Alice I need to leave." How could I get her to see that? To me it was painstakingly obvious.

"No, you don't, Edward. You really don't." Alice shook her head, and hid her thoughts from me? "This is bigger than just you, Edward."

"Alice what are you not telling me?" I growled she was making this so much harder. How dare she give me hope?

"Edward, I don't think I should-" Alice tried to hide.

"Don't you dare, Alice. You know I need to know." I clenched my teeth together. Alice played nervously with the edge of her shirt. I tried to search her mind but she let nothing through. Frustration swept through me. "Alice! Do not put me through this. It is hard enough as it is." I pleaded. If tears could fill my eyes they would be at this moment. This pain . . . It was killing me.

"Then don't do it, Edward. Don't put yourself through this." She pleaded back to me.

"Tell me," was all I whispered back to her. My tone took her by surprise and the defenses she had withheld me with fell. I saw Bella and I standing together. Then Alice was on her other side. But this was not what was so terrifying. Bella was paler now with a new grace in her step. And a fear of mine came to life. Her eyes were glistening red.

"NO!" I roared and echoes bounced through the garage. Alice jumped in terror. Jasper ran through the door followed by the rest of my family. "I WILL NOT let that happen!" I screamed at Alice. Jasper was in front of her in a second, and for good reason. I didn't know if I could control myself at this moment.

"Jasper, calm him down," I heard Carlisle speak calmly but his voice held a hint of urgency. Jasper did as he was told and I welcomed the peace he tried to give to me. My quivering breath slowed and my eyes closed as I breathed in the calm.

What the hell? Emmett thought clearly shocked by my performance.

What did Alice see? Well what do I care it probably about that stupid- I cut off listening to Rosalie right there. If anyone provoked me now I would probably bite his or her head off, preferably hers.

"Edward?" Carlisle called me testing the waters. I nodded a reply without opening my eyes. "Are you alright?" Was I all right? I had nearly snapped at Alice and what I had done in the vision to Bella . . .

"You want to know, if I'm alright?" I turned on Carlisle. He put his hand up calmly in defense.

Geez, how many people is he going to snap at tonight? Emmett thought shocked by my outlandish behavior. He was right. I had snapped at Alice twice today and . . . Esme . . .

I whirled around to face the door and ran as fast as I could back out to the garden. I stopped before the back door and gently placed my hand on the handle. Esme's thoughts were going over our conversation we had been through earlier. Guilt washed through me. Forcing the handle to move under my steel grip, I opened the door, just like ripping of a Band-Aid or so I had heard the expression put, and walked out to join Esme's side.

"Esme?" I was surprised by how childish my voice sounded, like a little boy who had lost his mother. Esme's head swiveled quickly in my direction and without another thought she came running to me. Before I knew it, I was in her arms.

"Edward sweetie, what's wrong?" Esme pulled me in tighter.

"I'm going to kill her. She'll be damned . . .," A sob broke me and this time I pulled Esme closer. My head was rested on hers and I clung to her like she was my only lifeline, if I could ever deserve a lifeline. I clung to her while I was breaking. "I'm a murderer."

"Shh, Edward dear." Esme rubbed my back. "Your not a murderer." Esme tried to convince me, but she was wrong. I am a murderer; that's all I've been since my new birth, no, since my death. I just shook my head against her shoulder. "You aren't, Edward." Esme's voice was stern and unmoving, almost growling at me. What a thing to waste her rage on.

"Esme, how about we take Edward inside and we all talk this out?" Carlisle walked up slowly. His suggestion was calm, but his thoughts were not. What did Alice see? And why did this make Edward so angry? Is Esme okay? I knew he wished me to answer his questions but he knew not to ask quite yet. He would get his answers in time. One thing that divided Carlisle and me was his never-ending patience. He said it was because he had years of practice, but I believe that it is because that is who he is. Carlisle was so pure, purer than I would ever be. Carlisle was a saint, a saint condemned to the life of a demon.

"Edward dear, would you be ok if we went inside?" Esme asked rubbing my back. Taking a deep breath, I stepped back. It gave me comfort to look into my mother's eyes. It was in her eyes that I saw another me that was so pure of sin and evil, I could almost believe. Don't fool yourself. Esme took my hand in hers and squeezed as we walked into the living room. My family was already placed around the comfortable room; waiting for our arrival. The first step into the room I could feel the calm, Jasper created, radiate around me. I took another deep unnecessary breath trying to collect it. I sent Jasper my apology about Alice, and my out of control emotions that must have been affecting him the most. He looked up at me when he felt it and smiled, a sad yet understanding smile, which I returned briefly.

"Now," Carlisle spoke once he took a seat. Esme sat beside him on the long couch; then she looked to me gesturing to the empty space beside her. I shook my head slightly making her frown and her thoughts to wonder what she did. Is he mad at me? Of course she would blame herself. I looked her in the eye and once again I shook my head, but this time I tried to smile for her sake. She nodded back unpleased, yet understanding that I needed my space. "We all need to solve this…as a family" The silence dragged on. Each one thinking of his or her side on the matter, and trying to see an end or even the beginning of what we had come to face with.

"Will someone please just tell me what is going on?" Rosalie snapped when the silence continued.

"Calm down, Rosie." Emmett sighed rolling his eyes at his spouse's anger. Emmett put his hand up in defense when Rosalie turned her glare on him.

"We do need to know." Carlisle said quietly. Everyone turned to look at me, expectant. My jaw clamped tight; there was no way I could say it out loud. I had too much anger to speak.

"Bella will be one of us." Alice announced almost cheerily when I didn't speak up. How in the hell was this a cheery thing? A growl erupted in my chest. "Oh shut up, Edward." Alice said impatiently, as if I was ruining her good moment.

"Cool!" Emmett hollered happily. Rosalie didn't seem to share the emotion. Jasper shared the same emotion with Rosalie than with his wife. Jasper, though, didn't throw me accusing thoughts like Rosalie. Our family was now divided.

"Bella will be one of the family?" Esme smiled at Alice. Great now Esme was crazy too. What made it all the worse was Esme's thoughts were happy for me; glad, I finally found someone. She could have been more wrong.

"She will NOT!" I roared. Everyone looked at me with shocked expressions. "Bella is not going to be messed with, at all." I gave Alice a long look making my intentions clear. I would stop this at all costs.

"You don't agree with this?" Esme asked in a small voice, her thoughts trying to understand why. Why I didn't want Bella to be with me forever…but I did. Oh how I long to have her be my side for my eternal existence. No, I couldn't steal her life. That would be worse than death for her. She would lose everything. Her father, mother, and her friends would all be torn from her with one bite. One bite… of that beautiful cream white skin, one bite to taste the pure red fluid like poison tempting me to drink to my own demise.

I put my head in my hands willing to stop the torturing images of my mind. My fingers scrapped viciously at my temples, trying to get my mind on the physical pain. "Edward!" Esme gasped in horror. In half of a second Esme had jumped to me and yanked my arms down from my face. "What are you doing, Edward?" Esme's angelic voice was strained. I sighed closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Nothing, Esme." I looked into her eyes. "I was just trying to forget." Esme's brow creased and she began to open her mouth to speak, but I held up my hand cause her to go silent.

She will be one of us, Edward. Alice thought, bringing all my anger back to play. I closed my eyes trying not to think, not to act.

"Alice, please." My whisper was strangled, but heard. Eyes looked between Alice and I, knowing there was something they were missing.

"Yes. Alice, please talk out loud!" Rosalie snidely added in. Alice ignored her but talk out loud nonetheless.

"Edward, I've seen it. It will happen, and Bella will be one of us."

"I won't let that happen," I said through clenched teeth. Alice sighed as if talking to a toddler who wouldn't listen.

"And why not? Before you tell me what will happen, why not ask yourself why? Why do you divide your family for this girl?" Alice walked over to me as if she was taller that life, and looked me straight in the eyes.

Why? The question of the hour. Why was I protecting a human? Why was I going against my family to save her life? Sure it was the right thing to do, but was there more? Yes. I had known it for a long time. Since the first time I met Bella, I knew. It was like she was the one who decided my fate; she controlled my non-beating heart.

"Why…" I mused out loud. "I think you know." I looked around at my family, each face anticipating my answer. "I think it is clear that I love her." I smiled down at Esme. She had been right. I was in love. I knew if I could cry I would now. My chest ached, my breath faltered, and I felt a pain I had been trying to avoid. I now had to face the fact that I loved the one girl I could never touch. The one girl I would have to watch die. The one girl I would have to lie to for the rest of her limited life. Never before have I craved to be so human than I did now.

My family reaction was not surprising. Rosalie was screaming indecent words at me through her mind. Alice was giddy with some kind of sick excitement. Jasper was just as furious as Rosalie, but his mind wasn't as vulgar. Emmett's was sympathetic, thinking that I had fallen off the rocker and clearly lost any sense I had before. Esme and Carlisle's minds were both worried. They were worried about what I would do, and how it would work out between Bella and I. But I knew it wouldn't work out, it never could.

No one said a word, not out loud at least; but my mind was filled with screaming, joy, worry, and agitating sympathy. I stood with my arms around my torso, and my eyes on the floor, trying my best to tune out the chaos in my head. I had no doubt that this would turn into an argument between everyone, but I could solve this. It wouldn't be easy, but it was all I could do. I turned and walked swiftly up the stairs. I was only at the end of the hall when Esme and Alice reacted to my sudden fleeting.

Esme called, "Edward, where are you going?" the same time Alice screamed "No!" They couldn't stop me. I was going to leave. Once to my room, I closed and locked the door, not that the lock could do anything against them. I was purely business now. I wouldn't let myself think of what I was doing till I was gone. I wouldn't give them a chance to change my mind.

"What's he doing, Alice?" Esme asked frantically as they raced up the stairs.

"He's leaving."

"No…" Esme's voice made my chest ache, but I couldn't stop. I tuned out all of their thoughts.

By the time they had reached my door, I was packed. I didn't need much, just some different clothes for the weather and appearances sake. I didn't know where I was going, and I was planning on thinking about it either. No need to tip of Alice and make this harder on me.

Alice tried the handle, and when it didn't budge she pushed the door. The light, thick wood snapped easily under her touch causing splinters to cover the carpet. I was surprised to see only Alice, Esme, Carlisle, and Rosalie in the doorway as I jumped through the open window.

"Emmett! Jasper!" Alice yelled, and then I knew. Emmett and Jasper where told to stay down here to stop me. If had had looked in Alice's mind I would have known, and she knew I wouldn't look for fear of her trying to stop me with her words. Alice was one step ahead of me, and she did not plan to let me leave. I could see it in her mind. She would drag me back by force.

As soon as I hit the ground I was running. Emmett and Jasper were on my heels the moment I had dove from the window. I was faster than both of them but they were ahead of me. I wouldn't be able to get away. I didn't have time to stop or turn and run another way before Jasper and Emmett had me pinned against the wall.

Emmett's knee pressed into my upper thigh and his left arm held my shoulder against the stone, cold wall. Jasper took my left side pinning my neck and left shoulder. I didn't fight. I felt myself go limp my eyes slid closed and my head fell forward against Jaspers arm.

I didn't want to fight, and I knew it wasn't just because I didn't want to hurt my family.

"Stop!" Esme shrieked in total horror of her children slaving one another. "Please, just stop! Let Edward go!" Esme was on the ground now pulling at Jasper and Emmett. She was shaking with tearless sobs. Slowly Emmett let go, but Jasper was a little hesitant. His thoughts battled each other trying to feel if I would run off, and I tried to feel the same. All I felt was numbness. It was like I couldn't believe the world around me was real. Was it?

"What the hell?" Rosalie's oh so familiar rage was heard as she walked on scene. I could see what she saw through her mind. I was limp- dead looking. She focused in on Esme's weeping figure and Jasper's strong hold. "Let the [enter a foul word with the meaning of moron] go! Now, Jasper!" And he did the worst thing he could have done to me- he listened.

I wanted to scream at him. I felt angry, and unjustly so. Jasper did what he thought was right. He couldn't have been more wrong. Jasper turned swiftly back to me when he felt my hostility.

"Edward?" He asked in alarm.

"Could you please . . . hold me back?" My plea sounded more like a threat. Jasper didn't ask any questions as he leaped back to my side. We stayed like that for moments as I tried my hardest to get in control and block out the thoughts of my brothers, sisters, and my parents.

I was in love. I was her danger. I was more alive inside than I have ever been. I was dying more inside with every moment. How unfair could life be to me? I realized quickly that I couldn't leave. I was not strong enough, and I never would be.

How strange that saw myself as weak for the first time because of one of the most fragile human being on the Earth. She was truly incredible.

I couldn't even go a day with out her with out going crazy. How could I do the lifetime with out her, then even longer? No, I wouldn't make it.

"Jasper, you can let go of me now. I deeply apologize to all of you for how I have acted." I turned to each one of my family members. "Now I have somewhere to be."

A smile touched my lips when I thought of the window I would soon be visiting. I ran off without waiting for a reply.

"Hey, do you think we should let him go?" Emmett questioned Alice.

"Yes. He is just on his way to see Bella." Alice's voice smiled.