Shinra Inc. and Global Warming
By: Jason Tandro
Author's Note: Okay, so I made fun of the Democrats with Shinra Goes Green, so to keep things fair I have decided to turn the tables with this enchanting little tale about Shinra Electric Power Corporation dealing with global warming.
It was 90 degrees in the Shinra Building. The industrial air conditioner had broken and the staff of the Shinra Building was sweating from every pore. This would not be so bad, had it not been the middle of February.
"This is ridiculous," Rufus cursed. He called his secretary over the intercom. "Darla, could you please assemble my support staff and tell them to meet me in the conference room? We need to have a little chat."
"Okay, so we all know why we're here, right?" Rufus began.
Hojo's hand shot up. "Are you going to tell us about the heating problem?"
"Well, sort of," Rufus went on.
"Because you know, my specimen tanks are chilled to 20 degrees every night, and if the power doesn't get turned back on my little monsters are going to roast," Hojo complained.
Reeve flung a wadded ball of paper at Hojo from across the table. Hojo scowled at Reeve and ignited the ball of paper with his lighter. The ashes fell to the table as Reeve spoke.
"Forget about your stupid monsters, what about us. I'm wearing double layers," Reeve cursed.
The only one who seemed not to be in total agony was Scarlet, who insisted on wearing her skimpy red dress all-year round.
"You know what this could be?" Scarlet cajoled. "Weather like this in the middle of winter, it can be only one thing. Global warming."
Rufus cocked his head to one side and rubbed his lower lip. "What now?"
"Global warming," began Hojo in a matter of fact tone. "Is the unofficial name for the natural cycle of the planet. The planet grows colder and colder and eventually goes into an Ice Age, and then it heats up more and more and reaches a metaphorical 'boiling point'. This goes in cycles, mind you and is as natural as you or me."
"You forgot to mention that man-made industry is a severe factor that has worsened the situation," Reeve added testily.
"The figures are inconclusive. I won't deny that pollution does have a negative effect, but the end results are minimal. This planet has gone through magnetic pole reversal, massive volcanic eruption, barrages of meteorites and so forth. A few puffs of industrial smog are nothing," Hojo said calmly.
"But it's not just a few puffs, Shinra is making billions of gil by polluting the environment," Reeve said sharply.
"Enough!" Cried an exasperated Rufus. "I don't know what this global warming is, but I sure as hell don't think that's the problem here. That is to say anything that stops me from earning money isn't something I'm going to pour more money into researching. We need some other possibilities."
"It could be some type of biological warfare, no doubt sprung by those terrorist groups in the slums," Heidegger suggested. "You know our intelligence suggests that these groups may have weapons of mass destruction hidden in their underground facilities."
"I like it. Let's invade Sector 7… and Sector's 6 and 8 just to be safe," Rufus said. "Anything else?"
"Well I think it's the wrath of God for legalizing gay marriage," Tseng suggested.
"Good idea. I don't want to piss off a higher power so let's ban gay marriage," Rufus nodded. "What else?"
"I think it's the spirit of all the aborted fetus's coming back to haunt us," Hojo suggested. "Mind you this is from a scientific standpoint of course."
"Okay, no more abortions. I actually like that idea," Rufus smiled. "My mom tried to abort me, but the coat hangar missed. She was quite drunk, you see."
The room sat in quiet amazement, and Scarlet was repressing a giggle.
"Now we're doing a lot of crazy things here, so we'll need a platform that makes it palatable for the general public," Rufus said.
"Hey!" Palmer suggested. "We could use scare tactics and say that 'anybody who wants… you know, civil rights… is a terrorist!'"
"I love it!" Rufus smiled.
"But sir," Reeve whined. "How will any of this help?"
"What are you, Reeve? A terrorist? See! It works!" Palmer laughed.
And so the dark days of Shinra began, and Tseng decided that for the rest of the meeting, pants were optional.
Note: What truly makes this funny is that I'm actually very conservative. I'm against abortion as a general rule (although there are certainly circumstances, such as the mother's life being endangered, when I think it's acceptable), and I actually supported the War in Iraq until shortly after we killed Saddam Hussein. Now it's time for us to go home. My stance on gay marriage I will leave unspoken because it's such a hot issue right now.
But, as I have always believed, you have to have a sense of humor about these things and you can't take endless political arguments too seriously. Learn to laugh, people, learn to laugh.