Zelda's Number One Fan
Pairings: PitxZelda

Character warnings: Perverted, badass (NOT SWEET) Pit

Language warning: vulgar, sexual implications :D

Song/Mood Music: The Ballad of Chasey Lain by Bloodhound Gang
Dedication: My MSN pal, Chocolate Moose (you ol' pervert. ;D)


"...And that concludes the morning news. Please stay tuned for the evening news..."

Zelda flicked off the TV and groaned. Being a princess meant she had to be up to date on all the world activities and recent events. Her adviser told her the best way was to watch the news for a few hours everyday, which meant straining her brain and suffering from boredom every time she woke up and before she went to sleep.

"If only there was something interesting happening...I wish something interesting would happen to me," Zelda mumbled.

She tossed the remote down and got dressed in a pair of tight black spandex pants and a green tank top. The princess left her room and met up with her best friend, who was also a princess. She had just come out of her own room after watching the morning news.

"Morning, Peach."

"Morning, Zelda. Boring news as always?"

"Do you even need to ask?" Zelda rolled her eyes. The girls proceeded down to the cafeteria...

...where no one was around.

"That's weird..." Peach stared at the empty cafeteria. Not even the kitchen crew was around. "Isn't it breakfast?"

"Yeah..." Zelda's voice trailed off as the intercom called out for an announcement.

"Zelda Harkinain, please report to the auditorium for a...special show."

"What the hell...? I didn't even know we had an auditorium." Zelda looked freaked out.

"I wonder if Master Hand means that?" Peach pointed to the stage in the Cafeteria. Suddenly, an electric guitar started up somewhere behind the curtain. The curtain slowly began to rise, revealing a bunch of male smashers in various jeans, pants and t-shirts. Link was playing the electric guitar, Ike was on the drums, Sonic was playing the keyboard and Wolf, Marth and Red were each at microphones.

And the one ready to sing the lead was...none other then Pit Icarus. He looked up as the curtain fully left the stage, put the microphone to his mouth and began to sing,

Dear Zelda Harkinain,
I wrote to explain
I'm your biggest fan.

Peach stared at the setup with wide eyes. Zelda, on the other hand, blushed bright red. Pit smirked and sang the next verse.

I just wanted to ask
could I eat your ass
write back as soon as you can.

"Pit!!" Peach was shocked. Pit ignored the Mushroom princess and pointed to his backup.

You've had a lot of dick

Hand a lot of dick... Marth sang lowly.

I've had a lot of time

Had a lot of time! Red called out.

You've had a lot of dick, Zelda
but you ain't had mine!
Pit stared at Zelda, his grin growing wider. Zelda stared back, with huge surprise.

Dear Zelda Harkinain
I wrote to complain
you never wrote me back.

"Wonder why," Zelda smirked up at Pit and leaned on the stage.

How could I ever eat
your ass when you treat
your biggest fan like that?

Zelda laughed. Pit gripped the microphone tighter and dared her to challenge him.

You've had a lot of dick

Had a lot of dick Wolf grinned.

I've had a lot of time

Had a lot of time! Marth and Red sang into the mic.

You've had a lot of dick, Zelda
But you ain't had mine!

Zelda was laughing now, while Peach found this highly offensive.

"Zelda, how can you think this is funny?! This is...smut!"

"Because, for once, I don't feel like a princess, I feel like a regular girl being admired. It's funny, too!"

Dear Zelda Harkinain
I wrote to constrain
this letter is my last.

"Boo-hoo..." Zelda said sarcastically.

As your biggest fan
I must demand
you let me eat your ass.

Pit grinned lustfully this time, his eyes practically undressing Zelda.

You've had a lot of dick

Had a lot of dick Wolf howled.

I've had a lot of time

Had a lot of time! Red smirked.

You've had a lot of dick, Zelda
but you ain't had mine!
Pit tapped his pants and started moving his hips up and down. Zelda giggled, her eyes responding to his challenge.

PS... The three backup singers suddenly piped up. Ike slammed on his drums and Link and Sonic changed their notes. Samus and Snake walked out on the stage and Pit put his arms around them.

Mom and Dad, this is Zelda
Zelda, this is my mom and dad

Peach looked like she was about to throw up. Zelda looked up at Samus and Snake with her eyebrows raised. Samus shook her head and mouthed out, "I'll explain later."


Mom and Dad, this is Zelda
Zelda, this is my mom and dad

Zelda held her arms in front of her chest, as if protecting her breasts. The band suddenly stopped playing and Pit broke the silence after he separated from Snake and Samus.

Would you fuck me for blow?

Pit's makeshift band played the final notes and Pit stared down at one of his audience members, the one he directed the makeshift version of The Ballad of Chasey Lain at. Zelda folded her arms and looked back at him.

"Well, Pit, I gotta say...that was interesting. A very interesting way to show me you like me."

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah...well, I figured I'd kill two rumors at once by doing this," Pit explained.

"Two rumors?" Zelda raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. First rumor is that I'm not so sweet and innocent," Pit looked at his makeshift band with a hint of malice. Zelda smiled again.

"And the second rumor?"

"That I am not gay for Ike. I'm straight and I'm straight for YOU, princess," Pit turned back to Zelda, lust evident in his eyes.

"I can see that...okay, last question. How did you manage to pull this off?" Zelda asked.

"He paid us to do it, I swear!!" Marth whined.

"Actually, he only paid Marth. The rest of us did it for something to do," Sonic said, jabbing his finger at Marth. "Besides, I haven't had a good reason to play in forever."

"Me neither," Link and Ike agreed.

"I did this just to see if angel-boy really could be dirty and perverted and if he wasn't gay for blue sword's ass," Wolf said, folding his arms. "Oh well, now I guess the rumors aren't true..."

"Good to know you finally get it, you mutt. Now get out of here," Pit snarled. Wolf bared his teeth back, but decided to leave. His job was done.

Snake came up behind Pit and grabbed him. "Where's our money, feather brat?"

"If you let go of me, maybe I'll get it!" Pit retorted.

"...After we're done," Zelda winked. Pit's eyes lit up and he broke free of Snake's grip. He scooped Zelda up bridal style and ran for the stairs.

"...Damnit, I want my cash," Snake mumbled.

"Hey, no one said we can't have our fun..." Samus winked at him and traced a finger down his chest to his pants. Snake growled, picked Samus up bridal style and quickly followed the previous couple.

"...So who's going to tell the kitchen people and the younger smashers it's okay to come out of the living room?" Sonic asked.

"Who cares?" Link responded. "That was awesome..."

"BUT SICK! YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!!" Peach squealed. "That was disgusting smut and if Master Hand had any sense, he would kick you out of the tournament right this instant!!"

"Oh, Master Hand was in on it. So you're saying he has no sense?" Red asked and all the guys burst into laughter. Peach fumed and stomped away.


Larxene: Okay, I think you killed the humor enough.

Yeah, you're right.

Larxene: A lot of people are gonna be SO pissed off at you.

I know. I REALLY know. Hehehehehehe...

Reenie: (looks up) Wow, I think you broke a lot of rules again. And what's with the Peach OOC at the end?

Honestly, I dunno. I ran out of ideas and I just wanted to wrap the fic up real quick like.

Reenie: What about Otherworldly Infection?

I'm working on it!! D: I just needed a break for the holidays. And before you even ask why I wrote this, I happened to have a plot bunny. It bit me twice. Once for this and another pokemon oneshot I'm working on as well. I'll get back to OI once I get rid of all these oneshot ideas cluttering my head.

Larxene: Yeah right!!

...Larxy, I'll tell Axel what REALLY happen to his boxers. You know, the flame ones?

Larxene: O_O okay okay, I'll be quiet!



PS: IkexPit fangirls, you're perfectly welcome to flame me. :D