Lindsay Monroe had come to a decision.
An extreme one, sure, but simple. She had a problem and now, after a rain walk and much deliberation, she had a solution.
Sometimes she thought she hated Danny Messer. For what he'd done. To her, to them. But somewhere, deep and hidden and in a place she didn't often want to explore, Lindsay still trusted him. Even though he'd done things that were so precisely cruel that he'd broken her into sharp pieces, she trusted him to not hurt her again.
Her problem, though, was that she still had questions. Too many questions. Why was she so easily replaced? Why did he hurt her? Was it good with Rikki? Why hadn't he tried as hard as she did to make it work? Her solution was to demand answers. She needed those answers in order to function, to navigate her life so that the questions didn't destroy her. And those answers would have to come from Danny. So her decision was to confront him.
It didn't matter that it was two o'clock in the morning. Or that she was exhausted and dripping wet from the rain and in really no condition for any kind of confrontation. But rash decisions and impulsive instincts seemed to work for other people - Danny quickly came to mind - and Lindsay was ready to put caution to the wind and try it herself. The thought of taking control of her circumstances with no thought to consequences actually gave Lindsay a rush, coursed through her body like a drug.
There were a lot of things Lindsay knew about Danny that would help her execute her plan. Like, for example, how he kept a spare key taped to the bottom of his doormat, which is how she let herself into his apartment. She also knew that Danny, with all his charming wit, was not quite as sharp when first stirred from sleep. And surprise was an important part of her plan. Surprise would not afford Danny time to carefully consider his words and actions. Like he had when he avoided her and deceived her or even now when he was trying to make amends. Instead she wanted brutal, unadulterated truth.
Lindsay quietly took off her shoes and tiptoed past the living room, depositing her coat on what she always thought was the curiously placed pool table. As she approached the bedroom she stopped when she saw him lying shirtless on his back with the sheets of the bed twisted around his waist. Seconds of hesitation passed before she continued into the room.
Standing at the side of his bed, Lindsay let her eyes linger. His workouts at the small gym in the lab were evident in his sculpted, flawless muscles, the lines of his chest, the taut curves of his stomach. His face was smooth and worry-free in sleep. He'd also always been so confident. Every single motion was made with the certainty of getting the result he wanted. He moved with a conviction that Lindsay felt eluded her, a control that she could never grasp. And that's what she wanted now. Control.
She bit her lip and reached out, her hand shaking as she touched his arm, her body tense as if prepared for danger. Danny didn't wake up right away, not when she tentatively increased the pressure of her touch, not when she leaned down close to him.
"Danny." She whispered into his ear. "Danny, wake up."
She watched his lips pucker as if attempting to form a word, a frown creasing the middle of his brow.
"Hmm?" His whole body moved with the question as he shifted his face towards hers. "Who…?"
His eyes remained closed, keeping him locked in what he thought was a dream. Lindsay's mouth lightly moved over his. She watched, saw him breathe her in, instinctively recognize her. His smile made something curl low in her stomach.
When his eyes opened, Lindsay quickly pulled the sheets off his body and watched him tense as she straddled him, coming to sit on the top of his legs. It wasn't like she didn't know what she wanted to do. Demand answers to the questions that ate away at her. But now that the opportunity was right in front of her, under her conditions, she didn't really know how.
Even as mentally prepared as she thought her rain walk had made her, she still wasn't sure how to get over the stomach clenching nerves . And she had not factored in Danny's physical reaction. His muscles tightened under her and it made her fluttery. Even through her clothes she could feel him already hard against her.
"Lindsay…" It was a question and groan and a plea all at the same time.
She knew she shouldn't, knew it was a bad idea. She should simply start asking the list of questions she'd thought about on her walk over here. But she just couldn't stop her hands from involuntarily roaming his body. She couldn't help touching him with slow, careful caresses. Her fingers found knots in his muscles that dissolved under her contact. She felt the beat of his heart underneath her palm. The feel of him was so perfect she couldn't help putting each and every of his reactions into her memory for safekeeping.
Without really knowing what she was doing, she closed her eyes. Her thoughts swirled incoherently, a storm of emotions and senses and memories that were uniquely Danny. The specific firmness of his arms when they wrapped around her, the crisp softness of his hair under her fingers, his cocky grin, the way he loved and hated with equal intensity, the pulse of his energy. She longed for him with a craving that surpassed any she'd ever felt – even the craving for answers that had brought her there in the first place.
Resting her hand along the curve of his face, she let one finger trace his lower lip. He moved unexpectedly and quickly, and she wasn't prepared for him to cover it with his lips. She couldn't hold back a gasp and a shiver. He wasn't going to stay still and compliant in this, as she naively planned. He was making that clear as he caught her wrist with his hand, nuzzled her fingers open to kiss the center of her palm. The tenderness of the gesture melted her.
A quick flick of her wrist shook him free, brought her back to task. But she was again not prepared for his hands to land on the tops of her thighs, pulling her legs open wider and guiding her closer. Common sense told her the involuntary jerk her hips gave when she felt him push hard against her was not a good thing. Not necessary to the plan at hand. But her body betrayed her, reacted to him, moved on top of him, to him. She was fast losing control of her plan.
Lindsay couldn't quite tell if her hands were shaking or if Danny was as he pulled her close to his chest. In real life this couldn't be happening. His lips and teeth and tongue would not be desperately over own. Lindsay listened to the relative silence, broken only by their heavy breathing, waiting for some indication that this was indeed some sort of dream.
But as his fingers trailed over her, her breath catching as he moved them down her hips, she knew this was very much real. She knew that if they dusted her for fingerprints, her heart especially, Danny would be all over her. Staking his claim. Which should be ridiculous in light of the past couple of months. But somehow it all seemed perfectly logical when his fingers touched her body in just the right places. As his lips gently pull at hers Lindsay thinks about how badly she wants him to be in love with her. But she can't be sure he is.
The sharpness of his teeth on her bottom lip briefly snapped her back to reality like a gush of chilled air. She should make him stop. But why wasn't he stopping? Doesn't he know she has a heart full of toxic hurt? Doesn't he see it practically pouring out of her? But less and less felt rational and sensical lately. Might as well add this to the list.
His hands thrust into her hair, his thigh pressed against her, and Lindsay's not sure she wants it to stop now. He mumbled something into her lips but she doesn't try to hear or reply. There's no reason to make this more complicated. So, she wrapped her arms around him and hoped for the best.
His hands stop to rest on her waist – hesitant. Her eyes meet his and she sees his face clenched as if in pain, struggling to hold back, needing Lindsay to make the next move in this strange game they're playing. The image burned itself into her eyes. She had control. Finally.
Lindsay felt his stomach clench under hers as her mouth found his. His body rippled like a wave and she rode it, warmth spreading through her. She slipped her hand between them, he kissed her more deeply. They both groaned.
Slowly, he slid her up and off him and he was being so gentle she could have cried as he rolled her over, keeping her wrapped in his arms. She could have slapped him for being so sweet, for distracting her from her plan with his devastating kisses. He draped himself over her as he stroked patterns down the front of her body. His fingers knew dips and curves that sent sparks up her spine.
She didn't want to give in, didn't want him to win, but her legs relaxed of their own accord and she found herself arching closer. His body was so familiar that it felt safe, felt right. The way he caused her hips to move with a mind of their own, the heat that surged through her veins until she could barely stand it, until she shook her head back and forth against the pillow, struggling.
She didn't know what she was struggling against or for anymore as he continued to kiss the spot on her neck that made her nearly whimper out loud. She barely felt her clothes being removed until she was completely naked. And so was he. Lindsay had almost forgotten what Danny could do to her, how he knew just how much pressure to apply, just where to touch. She could feel her heart slamming against her ribs, and the answering beat of his next to it.
If she thought she was embarrassingly responsive, she had no way to describe Danny's reactions. He sought out her hands with frantic movements, guided her to him.
Lindsay suddenly froze as she considered that maybe this was how he and Rikki had done it. His body hovering over hers just like this, her limbs controlled and tangled underneath his. Just like this.
"Lindsay." Her name was barely audible from his lips. He pushed himself up on his hands, bringing his face level with hers. "Don't."
His clairvoyant words stunned her, distracted her so she didn't notice the sudden change in his movements and purpose until he was settling himself between her legs. He teased her, rocking against her but not satisfying her. That didn't happen until she wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him inside. She arched off the bed, her fingers clutched at his skin to relieve the intense pressure.
His movements became frenetic, trying to hold on to something, anything. She understood his desperation. She sensed her own in the way her body began to respond as if reaching for something that she couldn't identify, that maybe she would never find.
A cry caught deep in her throat, evaporating into nothing as she fell back to the bed, hopeless and limp and gasping for air. He kissed her hips and the side of her ribs, the middle of her stomach, his entire body crawling up over hers, his breath hot on her skin.
When he hovered above her, face-to-face, she could feel his breath on her cheek. And it felt significantly more intimate than anything they'd just done. Still without any answers though, it felt too intimate, too personal, too close. Lindsay turned her head, his lips grazed off the side of her cheekbone and into thin air.
Danny tensed and pulled back and she could see his scowl, could see him glaring through the darkness. Nerves began to return as he moved off the bed. Lindsay closed her eyes, curling her fingers into tight fists. Inside, her emotions felt like balls of lead resting in her stomach. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel. She'd just had sex, but instead of floating she felt like she was drowning. She was tired and worn down and everything was falling apart around her and all she really wanted to do was curl up and be still for days.
Forcing her eyes to open and her body to sit up, Lindsay watched with slivers of uncertainty as Danny sat back on the bed, with his sweatpants on, anger radiating from every pore as he flexed his fingers. She could see him straining, eyes squinted at her as if the extra focus would answer his question of what she was doing.
"Why did you come here?" he finally asked. "Or did you just need to come?"
The tone of his voice sent a shiver down her spine. Just as she was reaching for him, to push him away or pull him closer she wasn't sure, Danny took control. He grabbed her face in both of his hands, holding her still, and kissed her hard.
"Then come." It was hissed, but the venom wasn't entirely there, making his words sound more like a plea than an order, as if he would die if he couldn't give Lindsay was she wanted.
Lindsay froze for a second, then relented and stopped resisting. Her hands, instead of pushing him away, planted themselves at his sides and held him closer, urged him back on top of her, inside her.
She could feel him everywhere, hands marking her skin, mouth pressing hotly against her, his legs intertwined with hers. She could feel him full and hard inside her, pushing and pulling all at once. And it felt perfect. So perfect that it took her breath away. She couldn't breathe and she thought she might die from it all and this wasn't part of her plan and maybe this is why she came back to him because even though he broke her heart he then did things like this and made her feel complete.
"Danny." It scratched out of her throat as her body moved with his and for the second time that night she felt the blissful wave of release hit her out of nowhere.
As his weight came down heavy on her, his breath sharp and ragged on her neck, Lindsay wasn't sure what to do. She wondered if anything was going to change between them, or if this too would become part of the minefield of their relationship. So she settled her hands on his back and instead thought about how perfectly he fit against her. She'd forgotten how good it was to be confined by him, to be kept secure and whole in his arms. Just as her eyes were closing, he rolled away.
"Is that all you wanted?" His voice came out tight and pained.
She sat up,, blinking slightly as her body readjusted to movement. She felt Danny's eyes on her, and it took every scrap of courage she possessed for her to turn and meet his gaze. His eyes were intense with feelings she didn't recognize. Lindsay felt tears, hot and persistent, behind her eyes.
"No," she managed to whisper. No, she hadn't come for sex. She didn't even really know what he had come for anymore, what she wanted.
"How did everything get so fucked up?" His voice was quiet and sad. When Lindsay remained silent Danny once again filled the empty space between them with words. "I wish we could just start over."
Lindsay knew that maybe, despite her best laid plan, this was how things should have unfolded. Because what had ended up happening was the last thing she expected. Danny had been what she needed when she needed it most. Without either of them knowing exactly what or how.
Lindsay reached for his hand. All she could do was kiss his forehead and run her hand over his chest, pressing against his heartbeat. Her tears shined in the moonlight creeping in through the windows. Danny's arms went around her, almost crushing her, but she didn't care. She breathed him in, clung to him. As they wrapped themselves in blankets and sheets, leaving a little bit of sadness in the bedroom behind them, they finally began to slowly heal.
A/N: Thanks for reading!