A/N: Hi. Here's a one-shot I've been meaning to make forever ago. I hope you enjoy.

Note: There are different rules in different guides. I just thought I should say this, so no one will get confused.



Naruto lifted the finalized papers into the air. "Behold…our masterpieces."

". . ."

". . ."

"Just…shut up dobe."

"Who's afraid?" asked Kiba, lifting Akamaru into his jacket. "I'm half expecting Temari to kick my ass and break up with me, as soon as I even give mine to her."

"Someone as hot Sabaku shouldn't even be going out with you in the first place." stated Neji.

"Yeah, and that's why you can kiss my ass. Tenten's too good for you too." replied Kiba. "And what's with you calling everyone by their last name---?"

"I'm not afraid!" chimed Naruto confidently. "Hinata-chan will probably just smile and sign mine…like it's no big deal."

"I find this unfair…not to mention troublesome." said Shikamaru, yawning. "Me, and Sasuke are gonna have a harder time giving ours to our girlfriends. Ino might…kill me, and Sakura might punch Sasuke to who knows where---"At this, Sasuke snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Doubt it."

"Oh shut up Sasuke, don't act like you haven't had your ass handed to you by Sakura." said Neji. "You say you got that black eye from…an 'awry training exercise', but we all know what the results of a chakra enhanced punch looks like. We're ninja after all."

". . ."

". . ."

"You're such a jackass---"

"What about me?!" interrupted Kiba. "My girlfriend Temari is a spitfire like Ino and Sakura!"

"Oh please, what's she gonna do?" asked Nauto. "Fan you to death?"


Sasuke has clearly lost his mind.

"I'm not doing it. It's totally ridiculous," said Sakura with her hands on her hips, standing in Sasuke's doorway. Sasuke opened his house door a little wider.

"Maybe," he admitted, letting her inside. "But…necessary. Take off your shoes and follow me." An argument dying in her mouth, Sakura followed him though many hallways and corridors, getting deeper and deeper into the Uchiha complex. Finally, Sasuke stopped abruptly and opened a wooden door to his left. Sakura followed him inside, observing the professionalism in the room.

Was he really serious about this stupid rulebook?

When Sasuke told her that Naruto, Kiba, Neji, Shikamaru and himself designed separate guidebooks for their girlfriends to sign, she thought he was joking. She knew going out with him would be troublesome in more ways than one, but this is a little too far, even for Sasuke's standards.

Sasuke sat down in the straight-backed chair and rested his elbow on the desk, obviously waiting for Sakura to sit down opposite of him. She glared at him and sat down ungracefully in response, looking more like an angry kitten than the determined Jounin Sasuke knew her to be.

"Sakura," said Sasuke softly. "…let's just get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible…" Sakura frowned.

"I don't even know why I came!" she said, throwing her hands up. "I'm not signing anything that looks even remotely ludicrous!

"It's not ludicrous." stated Sasuke. "Me, Byakugan boy, the Dobe, Dog breath, and Mister Troublesome have made a simple bulleted lists for each of our girlfriends to adhere to, just stating what behavior will and will not be tolerated…"


"…Lets begin shall we?"

Sakura sent Sasuke one last glare and picked up the packet. One glance and she almost immediately put it back down.

Goddess Girlfriend Guide.
(Sasuke Uchiha Version)

Hello. Welcome to the 'Being a Goddess Girlfriend' works. Your very own boyfriend has taken the time and liberty into making a guide/rule book just for you to sign, so your relationship will go smoothly. Aren't you special!


-:- -:- -:-

PDA (Public Displays of Affection) should be kept at a bare minimum.

Your boyfriend, Sasuke Uchiha has decided to disband the display of public affection. Such shows are unneeded and frowned upon.

Public Displays of Affection are; (but aren't limited to)

-Holding Hands.
-Standing within a 5 feet radius of.
-Flirting Attempts.

If you agree to this term, sign here. _____________________

-:- -:- -:-

Sakura looked up from the paper.

"You might as well add 'Breathing same air as'!" she exclaimed.

"Ooh, good one…" He started to pencil it in. Sakura's eyes narrowed.

"I refuse to put my signature on this!" she exclaimed. "It sounds as if you ashamed of me or something!"

"Now Sakura," said Sasuke, putting the pencil down. "…you know that's not true. Don't you see? I'm doing this for you."

Sakura snorted. "How so?"

"What do you think my ever-spying fangirls would do to you if they saw us kissing in the streets?" asked Sasuke. "Fear them. They know people, they have...ways. They can accomplish the impossible. Who knows what kind of sadistic harm would 'accidentally' befall on you? This is for your own safety. Trust me." Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Please. What would a few Genin and Chunnin do that could pose a threat to me? I'm on my way to being ANBU---!" Suddenly, Sasuke reached over the desk and clasped a hand over her mouth.

"Are you crazy? whispered Sasuke fervently, looking around the room. "Rule number one: Don't give them a challenge! They might hear you..."

"What are you talking about?" whispered back Sakura. "…There's no one in this room but us!" Sasuke snorted.

"If they can a way to infiltrate my house, decorate it, and make a twenty-eight person pyramid complete with pom-poms and interpret dance, all while I was in the shower, do you really think they can't bug the rooms here? We're never alone." said Sasuke. Sakura's giggles filled the room.

"What's so funny?"

"If they can do all that, then you really just fail as a ninja…"

"I was…low on charka that day." defended Sasuke. "And I didn't exactly have my nutcases-are-dancing-in-my-room spidey senses on, sorry."


-:- -:- -:-

Cooking should be kept at a maximum.

When Sasuke Uchiha comes home, there better be food on the table. Don't forget, a women's place is in the kitchen before the battlefield.

Preferred meals are: (and ARE limited to)

-Tomatoes with cheese.
-Tomatoes with rice.
-Tomatoes with salad.
-Tomatoes with bread.
-Tomatoes with tomatoes.
-Tomatoes with onions.
-Fried Tomatoes.
-Grilled Tomatoes.
-Baked Tomatoes.

If you agree to this term, sign here: ___________________

-:- -:- -:-

Sakura promptly slapped Sasuke in the face, and walked out shaking her head.


Shikamaru was a having slightly better luck at his house. Ino and himself just finished going over bullets one and two ('Cloud Watching Is a Sacred Ritual, Do Not Interrupt For Any Reason---Unless Your Dying and Join the DATFA, otherwise known as 'Deer's Are The Future Association') on his couch and even though she didn't sign them, Shikamaru felt it was a blessing in itself that she hadn't tried to hurt him yet.

-:- -:- -:-

Shougi boards and pieces should be treated like members of the family.

Your boyfriend Shikamaru Nara has degreed that his Shougi boards should be treated with utmost importance and delicateness.

Acts that go against this include: (But aren't limited to)

-Touching them.
-Looking at them.
-Coughing on them.
-Coughing near them.
-Breathing on them.
-Playing them. (without permission)

…and most importantly…

-Breaking them.

If you agree to this term, sign here: ___________________

Ino, for the first time that day, signed her name neatly.

"Whatever." she said, shrugging. "I don't like those stupid things anyways…"

Shikamaru sighed of relief.

-:- -:- -:-

Don't be troublesome.

Your boyfriend Shikamaru Nara has degreed that troublesome acts are superfluous and…well troublesome.

Troublesome acts are: (but aren't limited to)

-Yelling. (for no reason)
-Yelling. (for a reason)
-Throwing. (things, people, etc…)

If you agree to this term, sign here: ____________________

-:- -:- -:-

"So! What are you trying to say?" frowned Ino. "That I DO all of these things?"

"Well…a bit." said Shikamaru.

"No I don't!" accused Ino, slapping Shikamaru on the shoulder. "I NEVER YELL OR DO ANY OF THAT STUFF!"

"Okay! Okay! I believe you!" cried Shikamaru, scooting away from his girlfriend "Just calm down----"

"So, while were on the topic, what else is wrong with me?!?!?"


"I mean, yeah my emotions can get out of control sometimes…" Ino picked up an orange off a nightstand.

"---but I can't help it! You know I have a hormone imbalance!" She threw the orange with deadly precision. Shikamaru, being the kickass ninja that he is, dodged it easily.

"Oh god…here we go again…"

"I have a lot going on right now!" wailed Ino. "I can't pass the Jounin exams, my hair just won't cooperate, my team is acting up, and a hundred other things, so excuse me for being a little emotional sometimes!"

"I'm not blaming you---"

"IF YOU WANTED TO BREAK UP WITH ME, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO ASSHOLE!" bawled Ino, furiously wiping her tears and running out the door. Shikamaru sighed at how fast Ino's emotions changed.

See, if she had just signed…none of this would have happened...


Neji too was doing pretty well in Konoha Park…

…Until him and Tenten got to number seven in 'Goddess Girlfriend Guide; Version Neji Hyuuga'.

-:- -:- -:-

Take out your buns for all formal occasions.

Your boyfriend Neji Hyuuga has degreed that the hairstyle commonly known as 'buns' be taken out on formal occasions.

Formal Occasions Are (but aren't limited to)

-Ninja get-togethers.
-The Daytime.
-The Nighttime.
-Family Dinners with Clan Elders.
-In Public.
-The Weekends.

If you agree to this term, sign here. ___________________

-:- -:- -:-

"What the---that's everywhere and everyday besides Thursday!" exclaimed Tenten. Neji's eyebrows rose.

"I forgot Thursday?" He reached over and started to pencil it in, but Tenten took the paper from out of his reach.

"NO!" cried Tenten. "I refuse. What's wrong with my buns? I've had them since I was a girl!" Neji sighed.

"That's the problem."

"What?! You're not making sense!"

"You keep those stupid buns in every----"

"Don't call them stupid!" cried Tenten, who by this time was petting her hair. Neji rolled his eyes.

"Fine. You keep those…lovely buns in every. Freakin. Day. They're nice and all, but you're a big girl now Tenten. I think you've outgrown them."

"Says who?!" asked Tenten.

"Society." stated Neji matter-of-factly. "You look like you're a twelve year old Genin sometimes, not a capable Jounin of twenty-two. Of course, your lack of …womanly assets don't really help the problem of course----"

"Excuse me?"

"----but I still care for you, no matter how little chest and backside you have, or how boyish you look sometimes. I know, I know. . .no need to thank me…"said Neji looking smug.

Tenten was less then amused.

"Maybe…I'm not so good at looking like a girl, but you want to know what I am good at?"


"Throwing things." said Tenten coldly. "Throwing shiny, pointy objects at people's heads. Isn't that right Neji."

"Well of course, you aren't called the 'Weapon Master' for---" At this, a blindly fast kunai whistled past his right ear. Neji watched in slow motion as a few strands of hair fluttered down in front of him.

"Okay Tenten…let's not be rash----"

"Rash?" repeated Tenten incredulously. "Rash? Who's being rash?" She did a long pattern of hand seals and summoned a scroll. Inside was a shuriken the size of a large screened TV.

". . ."

". . ."

"Summoning a weapon the size of a playground slide is considered…rash." said Neji hesitantly. Tenten laughed dangerously.

"Says who?" she asked, while attaching exploding tags to her shuriken. "Society?"

Neji promptly dropped all sense of prestige and pretentiousness and ran for his life.


Naruto and Hinata were going through his book quite happily at his favorite ramen stand...until they turned to bullet number nine.

-:- -:- -:-

9. Once moved in together, the house in question will be painted neon orange.

Your boyfriend Naruto Uzumaki has degreed that the house you move in with him be painted neon orange, for orange is the universally accepted color for cool.

If you agree to this term, sign here:_____________________

-:- -:- -:-

"N-naruto---this is getting a-ahead of o-ourselves a little...I mean we j-just got together and now y-your talking about the h-house were going to move in?"

"Yeah!" said Naruto. "It doesn't matter, cause' we'll be together forever! Nothing will break us apart!" Hinata smiled timidly.

"That's v-very sweet Naruto." she said. "But I don't w-want our house p-painted orange. S-sorry."

Naruto looked horrified.

"WHAT? Why not Hinata-chan?!?!"

"It's too…b-bright." Naruto sighed.


"I just don't want it orange okay!" exclaimed Hinata, not one stutter escaping from her lips. Naruto looked a little shocked at her forwardness, but continued.

"But why?" said Naruto quietly. Hinata frowned.

"That's just what your problem is Naruto! I just said 'because it's too bright'! You don't ever listen or care about what I want!"

And with that, Hinata left the ramen stand, leaving a very confused and hurt Naruto in her wake.


The guidebook authors all met an hour later at the center of the village square.

Neji, arrived first, with his hair cut in odd places, not to mention considerably shorter. Then Sasuke entered with a red imprint on his right cheek. Shikamaru came next noticeably unharmed. Last was Naruto, whose eyes look red and tearful.

Sasuke took one look at Neji, and laughed rudely.

"Did Tenten throw some giant, epic scissors at your head?" asked Sasuke smirking. Neji snorted.

"That's actually considerably close to the truth." he admitted. "…At least I don't look like I got bitch-slapped. Send Sakura my thanks."

Sasuke promptly shut up.

"What happened to you Naruto? And wipe your tears, you look like a pansy." said Shikamaru. Naruto did as he was told, and sighed.

"Hinata…yelled at me! My sweet Hina-chan yelled at me!"

". . ."

". . ."

"Fuck Naruto, you're such a little bitch." said Sasuke. "What about you Nara?" Shikamaru shook his head.

"Ino…ran away."


"Dude, I don't know…it's happened so quickly----"

"Wait a moment." said Neji, frowning. "Where's Kiba?"

Shikamaru sighed. "Right now he's in an intensive ward at Konoha Hospital, for extensive wind-induced injuries."

"Yikes." said Sasuke. "Temari messed him up that bad?" Shikamaru nodded.

"This…is all your fault Naruto." said Neji. Naruto frowned.

"What?! How?!"

"You jinxed him of course. Mr. 'What's she gonna do? Fan you to death?'" stated Neji. Naruto shook his head.

"…Neji, no one believes in that prophecy bullshit but you----"

"Anyways." interrupted Sasuke. "Do we agree to burn these guides and just accept whatever type of girlfriend we have?"

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."



Thanks for reading, and please review if you liked it, or tell me how I can improve. Also, I have this niggling feeling I confused the hell out of everyone in this. Did I?


A/N: The winners of my contest will be posted soon. Actually, I already have first and second place, it's just 3rd and Honorable Mention that's troubling me. And Merry Christmahonaquanza!