First off I think I should warn you that this fic is CRACK. Pure, unadulterated, Dr. Pepper/cheesecake filled kisses, 3 AM induced CRACK. NOTHING makes sense. There is unjustified gore, random/unnecessary swearing, and shameless mountain lion death. The characters of Edward, Jasper, and Emmet are perverted to suit my own needs. If this does not sound appealing DO NOT READ!! Flames will be used to start a fire in order to warm my room. You have been warned! Enjoy!
Once upon a time there was a mountain lion named Sammy. He and his wife Imogen and son Alfred lived at the top of a really big mountain. They used to live near the bottom but then the Cullens moved in and started hunting so they escaped to the top where the Cullens never went because it was too damn high. They lived happily hunting and going about as they pleased.
One day when Alfred was still young, he was hunting and went too far down the mountain. Edward, who was hunting to keep himself from devouring Bella, came across him and was about to eat him when Alfred spoke. "Wait! Don't eat me! Please, I'll tell you all the best hunting places around here if you don't eat me!" Edward just stared at the lion. First of all, how the fuck was the thing talking?! That's some scary shit you know. So Edward said, "Wait, how the fuck can you talk? Aren't mountain lions only able to growl and shit?" Alfred just looked at Edward in disdain. "Hey, if you're allowed to have special powers like mind reading and shit I sure as hell can talk!" Edward conceded that this was a good point and after getting the hunting spots left to go hunt.
Alfred was very happy with himself for besting a vampire and proceeded to spend the rest of the day doing pointless things like chasing butterflies. Life was great after that and Edward and Alfred would see each other some days. Edward would tell him all about Bella and how much he wanted to eat her but couldn't. Alfred didn't see the point in their relationship and was confused so he didn't say much, just listened. Their friendship was a happy one and Edward never once tried to eat Alfred.
But then one day when Sammy, Imogen, and Alfred had all spread out to hunt, Alfred was by himself at the bottom of the mountain looking for food when he heard a scream that could only belong to a mountain lion. How did he know? Because he fucking was one! In horror he realized, finally the dolt, that he had only made Edward promise not to eat him and not the rest of his family. With that thought he raced home, praying he would not be too late.
Meanwhile, Edward was happily munching on Sammy and Imogen. They could not talk unlike their son and so could not plead for their lives. Edward was in a particularly foul mood because of Bella trying to get into his pants constantly so he was taking his time eating the two. He had started at the legs after taking chunks out of their necks. As he he was still in the middle of chewing on Sammy's neck, Alfred found them.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Alfred screamed for the next seven and a half minutes. Edward looked over at him with the mountain lion's neck still clenched between his teeth and said, "Merh?" Just when he thought the screaming would never end, Alfred stopped and came over to stand between his parents and Edward, forcing the vampire to spit out the mountain lion, it's body falling with a thuddy squelch onto the ground. "What the fuck are you doing you asshole?! Those are my parents!!!"
"Shit dude," Edward replied, "I didn't know. You never mentioned you had parents up here. I think I'm gonna take my shit and go." That said, he picked up the remainder of Imogen's leg and got the fuck out. Alfred turned to his parents in anguish. "Alfred," Sammy said blood shooting at Alfred from the hole in his neck, "It's *blood spurts* okay. You must *blood spurts* move on without *blood spurts* us." Imogen then turned to him as well, blood also gushing from her neck. "He's *blood spurts* right son. Be *blood spurts*happy. Please *blood spurts*" As his parents slowly died, Alfred spent his time in an emo corner. Therefore he did not notice when two more vampires, Emmet and Jasper, approached.
"Shit yeah!" Emmet roared, "Predead food!! I'm fucking eating this shit!" He then attacked the two prone mountain lions. The sound of boned breaking and flesh being ripped away and gobbled brought Alfred out of his emo corner.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed for the second time. However, it did not last as long this time because Jasper, who had been standing watching Emmet eat was distracted by the young Alfred.
"Holy shit it talks!" he yelled. Well that was just some scary as fuck shit and there was no way in hell he could let that live because hell if he'd let that scary ass thing find him later. Mountain lions just don't talk! Period. End of story. So, Jasper wasted no more time and promptly gobbled Alfred off. Then all was silent in the forest save the sounds of Jasper and Emmet stuffing their faces. Then the two returned home to listen to Edward rant some more about Bella and her forwardness, having forgotten about the freaky ass mountain lion and his family.