A/N: Spoilers for episode 4.07.
Summary: Castiel has his doubts. He isn't sure whether things are right or wrong. And he thinks that those doubts will bring more consequences that he can handle, but an old friend helps him see more clearly.
The night has fallen and Castiel found himself alone in the park. It seemed so peaceful and silent after the long and the hardness they went through. Another seal was broken and they were yet closer to Lilith accomplishing her plan. His own need for some peace and quiet while his thoughts were troubled brought him back here. Winchesters were already on the road to another place and Uriel was called to another battle field. Castiel really hoped that the introduction with the vigilant angel wouldn't go as bad as it did. But it did. Especially after Castiel was informed that Uriel has threatened the younger brother. Of course, the boy needed to be kept on track, but there were more easier ways of communicating. But he also understood Uriel's point of view. He wasn't used to all of this. His place was in battle, not guiding.
As his thoughts raced through what happened today, one thing was bothering him more than anything. Everyone had their own doubts. At least that was the case with humans. Now, when you were an angel, you weren't suppose to have doubts. Well, not those as profound as he had. So, that's how he found himself returning to the bench where only hours ago he sat and spoke with Dean Winchester. He wasn't entirely sure why he told Dean that he had doubts, but he did. And it bothered him, because he couldn't find a reason why he told such a secret to a human.
Maybe it was the simple need for Dean to understand that not all angels are single minded as Uriel is. Not all are willing to follow orders without having seconds thoughts and think of humans in such blasphemous way. Castiel loved humans. They intrigued him and he wanted to learn more about them. He was far away from them for so long and they changed a lot. Humans were fascinating and Dean Winchester was more so. Even Sam Winchester surprised him. For a boy who carried demon blood and was capable of great things, both good and evil, he was truly that. A little boy. His childish innocence that gloomed at him, threw him away when he extended his hand. Of course, they had little time for talking, so Castiel couldn't explore the psyche of the boy more thoroughly. But the time for that will come too. But Castiel wanted them to understand that, just like humans, all angels aren't alike.
Maybe it was even simpler than that, he thought as his form bended over and he placed his hands on his knees. Maybe he just didn't want to be referred to as a hammer of God. Because he wasn't that. None of them were. The things were different before the Fall and mutiny. Angels were more innocent and kind. Now, angels were called to battle and they were fierce warriors of the Light. Now they were capable of destruction and smiting. He sighed as the memories assaulted him. He didn't want to remember the past now. He had issues with the present.
Maybe he just wanted Dean to understand him and don't resent him. Which ever reason it was, it was still unknown to Castiel. But he was indeed aware that he had doubts and that he doubted the commands he was given. The very own course of action they were having to see through. He wondered whether it was right. Because it didn't feel right to have them. He felt somewhat guilty. And that what brought up his distress. He was suddenly experiencing a whole ray of emotions which he was distanced from before and he wasn't adjusted to deal with.
And that scared him in more ways than one. He would never willingly turn his back on his Father and his brothers and sisters. As his thoughts went into a more darker sphere, he heard a vague flap of wings behind him. The ever familiar sound of one of his siblings approaching. Even though it was night and the sky was dark, light brightly shone from behind him and he turned around to watch an angel descent. But as the light lost its shine, he realised just who decided to grant him presence. An Archangel. Sariel was her name. She is the Archangel of Death and one of the four angels that stood before God, that spoke to their Father. Her own name means the Command of God and she always stands proudly next to Michael as the commanders of the Heavenly Army.
Her mere presence mesmerises him as she steps out of the light and takes on a human form. A form of a girl with ebony black hair and almost transparent blue eyes. Even now as she stands before him in human form, he can feel the Light and the Grace seep through her and fill him with a serene sense of peace. She greets him with a smile and he returns it without even realising he did.
"Evening, brother." She speaks with almost an eerie voice. Her eyes glance at him and she moves closer to the bench where he sat.
"Evening, Sariel." He finally founds his voice and his eyes watch her move. She was unnaturally elegant and careful in her movements and he realises it is because she didn't inhabit a human form in a long time. "What brings you here?"
A sudden sense of dread comes over him as two sets of possibilities ran through his mind. First the possibility of something going greatly wrong and Lilith breaking more seals and the second that his doubts were a big concern to his kind. His eyes remained on her even as she sat on the bench next to the one where he sat. In the exact spot where Dean sat when they talked.
"No, worries, little brother. We are not in trouble." She spoke with a bright smile adorning her lips as he expelled a breath he didn't he know he held.
Then a thought occurred to him and he sighed. If it is not the first one, then it's the second one. His doubting was concerning them as much as it did him.
"What is wrong?" she suddenly asks him as a frown formed on her face. Her eyes widened and softened as she looked at him. "You seem troubled. I felt that you were troubled so I came here to offer some assistance. Besides, Uriel voiced some concerns. It seems to him that you are getting a bit fog eyed when it comes to the Winchesters."
He smiles an awkward smile and nods his head. An Archangel came to him because his thoughts were troubled. He felt somewhat humbled. There is not point in trying to hide something from her or lying to her. But the words come hard on his tongue as he gazes at the ground. How was he suppose to explain his doubt in the orders, in what they do? How can you say out loud such a thing? His gaze remained lowered to the ground as two fingers touched his chin and made him look up. The unnatural heat from her fingers spread across his being and he blinked feeling warm and content. Then he was confronted with those blue eyes that shone at him like two opal gems. He gazed into them and found himself drowning in the Light that shone from them. His Father's love and peace overcame him as he gazed into the eyes of one of the angels who saw Him. Then she moved her fingers away and her hand fell into her lap all the while he felt the loss of that warmth ad light.
"You seem torn from within. What could possibly be the cause for this?" It wasn't a judgment. It was an accusation. It was a simple question asked in worry and curiosity. And it made Castiel spill his soul to her.
He spoke about the events, very well aware that she was informed of them, but she listened anyway with acute attention like nothing existed but him. About Dean Winchester and his doubts that brought out Castiel's doubts and how he felt that all of this seemed somehow wrong. Then his gaze lowered again as he spoke his final sentence. "I'm not sure anymore… This doubts… They worry me."
She smiled at him and shook her head. "Oh, little brother. You are worried for having doubts?" She asked him and he nodded at her. She sighed at him like he was being childish or something similar. "Of course you are having doubts. We are on the verge of another War like the one we went through in he past. When our brothers and sisters turned their backs at our Father. It didn't feel right to fight them even then. They were once like us. We weren't created for destruction and killing. We are guardians, messengers."
Castiel listened to her, not even knowing that his body moved a bit closer. "So you're saying that this is normal? That what I'm feeling wont…" he stopped as he was going to say such a blasphemous thing. Her eyes bored into him and she shook her had.
"No, it wont make you fall. For falling you need to willingly choose to turn your back on Father's love." She spoke with a faint sound of sorrow to her voice. Castile would never even could imagine willingly turning his back on either of those things. "Then why are you worried?" A question rang through the silence and he knew that she wanted to understand this.
"Because…" he started, but couldn't find words. "Because I do not wish to do something wrong."
"And you are worried that having doubts will bring you to that point?" she added and he nodded once again. Then she smiled reassuringly at him. "Having doubts isn't so bad. It's a sign of the gift that Father gave us all."
"What do you mean?" Castiel cocked his head to one side and looked at her.
"He made us all sentient beings with minds of our own. He granted us free will just like he gave it to the humans. He does not want blind obedience from you. Nor you forsaking what you feel deep down in your own being. He wants your love and faith in him. When He created us and humans, all He ever wanted for us to be happy, content and once in awhile remember who created us all and say thank you. He never meant us all to be his servants and tools for using. Look at this world. He created it for them. To live here in their own choice, but as all things aren't always perfect, neither is this world." She spoke and his mouth opened to say something, but he was at loss for words so she continued to speak. "Even though we are angels, w e aren't perfect. We aren't omnipotent. We have our minds and thoughts, but we also have a purpose and duty greater than any creature in existence. And we have to have faith to do it even when our doubts arise."
He contemplated them and then he felt her fingers on his cheek. It burned with a new fire as he saw his faith in him in her eyes. "I have my doubts too, but they are never greater than my love for my Father. He knows what is best for us, but we also have to make our choices. That is how all fathers and children conduct. Sometimes we have to wonder on our own and He has to let us and even when we get sidetracked, He is always there for us to return to. And what is most of all, He has faith in us. In each of his creations. Nobody who is willing to listen will ever be a lost cause. And you my brother have faith in Him. I can see it deep in you. You have just been faced with a lot of horrible things and it is no surprise that you have doubts."
"Does that takes some of your worries away?" she asked him and he really wasn't sure what he was suppose to answer. He still had one question. A question which he didn't know who to ask.
She removed her hand and nodded knowing what he wants to ask. "We all have been wondering the same thing. I'm not sure either what the correct question is, but we will wait and see. But I know one thing for sure, Castiel." She spoke his name for the first time this night. "I know you were the right choice to bring him back from Perdition. And do not forget… You are never alone."
Then, just like that she was gone. Like the wind just took her away. But the resident lightness and warmness he felt didn't leave with her. her words echoed in his head as he repeated them over and over again. And she was right. This wasn't a situation normal for angels and they were facing even worst things on the road ahead.
He smiled to himself. And at the night around him. Castiel knew Sariel was close as well as others were. She was right, he never was alone. A sense of hope and peace washed over him at that thought. True, they were limited in numbers, but they had a power that stood behind them and all you had to do was to have faith. Even when it's doubtful sometimes and the road ahead of you isn't clear. Feeling much calmer and content within his own mind, he stood up and disappeared into the darkness.
A/N: Hope you liked it. Just something a little angsty I came up with while watching episode 4.07. An d a little note. Sariel is really an archangel of Death and her name does mean Command of God. But you wont find that in the Bible, but in the apocrypha's. She is also listed as a fallen angel alongside Azazel which kinda made me laugh. I love hidden ironies, don't you???
One shot… maybe… not sure… if you want more, let me know ;)
Reviews would be love!!!