A/N - As always,
idea and characters are all on Stephanie Meyers.
This is my first Twilight fanfic so any feedback is appreciated ^_^
I woke up to the sound of my alarm with a groan, the way I had done every single morning for the past 5 months. And thus, my morning routine began. My eyes automatically flickered around my room, searching for something... I mentally scolded myself. This had to stop. Shaking my head to dispel any thoughts of amber eyes and reddish brown hair, I grabbed my washbag and darted into the shower, mentally reciting some of my Biology work as I jumped under the flowing water. I gave a little groan again - Biology wasn't a safe mental topic yet, either. Very few were.
I was preparing breakfast when I heard Charlie come downstairs; he mumbled "Morning" as he thudded across the kitchen floor. I never looked up, busying myself with scrambled eggs. He cleared his throat, and said, louder, "Bella, did you take a cold shower this morning?"
I shrugged, genuinely not knowing. Things like temperature were now out of my mental sphere.
"That water was freezing when I got in!" he added. I could feel his glare on the back of my head.
"I never noticed," I almost whispered, avoiding his eye contact as I began to dish his eggs onto a plate, setting it down on the table. I poured myself a small bowl of cereal and sat down too, taking the tiniest of sips from a glass of orange juice Charlie must have set out for me; I certainly never remembered doing it.
I swirled my spoon in my cereal, not taking a bite, eyes boring into the bowl but not remotely focussing as it turned to mush. My appetite had packed up and left about the same time he had.
No, Bella, don't go there, don't do-
"THAT'S IT, BELLA!"
Normally such a crash as Charlie hammered the table would have made me jump. Instead, it caused me only to raise my eyes slightly to look at his distraught face.
"I'm sending you home."
I blinked, confused. Had he been talking to me before? And what on earth could he mean?
"I am home," I replied, nowhere near hiding my confusion.
He paused, looking pained. "I'm sending you to Renee... to Jacksonville."
It took me a few moments to process what he was saying to me. "What... what did I do?" I said, voice cracking as tears flew to my eyes. It crossed the back of my mind somewhere that this would be the first time I had cried since that first week... dangerous thoughts, Bella, dangerous thoughts!
I tried so hard to pay attention, but I was no longer used to doing so. I quickly got the gist of what Charlie was saying to me. He told me I was lifeless. He told me he had waited as long as he could but I didn't seem to be getting any better. He told me he thought I needed to see a shrink.
I couldn't handle this. Not now. I thought I had been doing so well. I was a model student, a model daughter. I got up every single morning, (well, excluding that first week), I made breakfast, I went to school, I came home, I made dinner, I even studied. I never got into trouble. I never gave Charlie any trouble. What more did he want from me?! Some drug-taking maniac?!
My mouth almost moved independently of my mind, and I vaguely heard myself telling him Florida was too hot to return. If I had been capable of it, I would have laughed at that. I hated the weather in Forks. But Florida... well, Florida never really had dark, rainy days, days where no sunlight could filter through the clouds...
I peeked up at him once more as his fist slammed the table. "We both know what's really going on here, Bella, and it's not good for you. It's been months... No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."
I glowered at him as once more, my eyes stung my tears. That last comment felt like a knife had gone through my heart. He knew this wasn't a subject I was willing to talk about, not now, not ever.
"I have to get to school," I said thickly, choking on the lump rising rapidly in my throat, unceremoniously dumping my untouched breakfast into the sink as I flew from the room, grabbing my school bag and heading for the door.
"Bel-" I heard Charlie call after me, cutting him off with a loud slam of the front door.
I took a deep breath as I flopped down into the driver's seat, hands on the steering wheel. I couldn't face school. Not like this. I felt like I was going to have some sort of mental breakdown. I put my foot on the accelerator and I drove, paying no attention to where I was going, on autopilot as I had been for the last 5 months.
I caught sight of my reflection in my mirror as I saw a sleek silver car turn onto the road behind me; my heart caught in my throat before I saw the middle-aged woman driving it. Something made me look back at the mirror and I gasped.
I hadn't looked at myself properly in months, and now that I did, I saw what Charlie must have seen. My hair hung limp and flat against my head. My cheekbones protruded painfully, my skin looking like it was stretched too far. My skin itself was a ghastly pale, even more so than usual, and my eyes were rimmed with large, purple rings. My eyes themselves were flat, hollow... dead.
If I had been beautiful, I could easily have passed for one of them.
I stopped the car as I realised where I was; in La Push, at First Beach. I killed the engine and slowly hopped out of the car. Even in my robotic state, I could appreciate it's beauty. The dark gray water tumbled to the rocky shore, smashing it's way against the multicoloured pebbles that shimmed in the bright sunlight. There were huge, bleached driftwood trees scattering the beach, and birds darting through the air above me, calling to one another.
I slowly picked my way down to the beach, trying to find the driftwood log where I had met Jacob Black. Where I had then attempted to flirt with him and found out Edward's secret.
I gasped as the air went out of my lungs - it hurt to think his name. But now I had started, I couldn't stop. Memories came flooding back, now that the dam had been broken, and saltly tears began to pour down my face. Him telling me he loved me. Telling me forever. His beautiful topaz eyes staring deep into mines as we lay in my bed, me curled tight to his cold, solid, perfect form... Him leaving.
"WHY?!" I screamed to the waves, picking up the nearest piece of driftwood in a fit of rage and throwing it angrily to the ground. "WHY COULDN'T YOU BE HUMAN?!"
I thought back to him leaving once more, a memory I had blocked for so long... I thought of me telling him he had my soul, and it was true. When Edward had left, the most important chunk of me had left with him, and now I was little more than an empty shell, devoid of love.
I sunk to my knees on the pebbles, holding my hands to my face as a large sob escaped. This was pain like I had never felt it before; it was like being hit full force with a truck, tearing the breath from my body. I searched hopelessly for my denial, to revert to being a robot, but it was too late for that.
Charlie's words from this morning began to sink in... "It's been months... No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him." I tried to process them and ignore my pain. He was right. Edward had told me he would always love me, in a way... what a heap of shit! If he had felt anything at all for me he wouldn't have been able to leave me here to rot, to wallow, to wait for the rest of my life in the shallow hope somewhere in the back of my mind that he would come back.
What was I expecting?! For him to come charging back on a great white steed, scoop me up into his arms and carry me off into the sunset where we'd live happily ever after?! Life isn't a fairytale, I thought harshly, cringeing at myself. How could I have possibly believed he'd come back?! He had promised me he wouldn't, and Edward never broke a promise... well, apart from one.
I instantly knew what Charlie had said was right. There was nothing for me in Forks but hollow, painful memories. I had been utterly consumed by my love for him - I still was - but clearly the feeling was not recuperated. He had lied so convincingly... I realised that when every tiny thing reminded me of Edward, from school to the weather to the large, mangled gap in my truck where my stereo should be, I was putting myself through an even harsher torture than he had. Everyday was a constant battle of blocking him from my head. He haunted me both in daylight and during my sleep, where I had no control at all over the nothingness plaguing my slumber.
"NO MORE!" I screamed, surprisingly myself as I leapt to my feet, stumbling.
It was as if I had turned on a light in my head. I suddenly realised it was freezing out here, and shivered; I could smell brine on the breeze, could properly absorb the crashing of the waves and the scream of seagulls overhead. I was hurting, hurting so badly, but I'd had an astounding realisation; I couldn't wait on Edward anymore.
I ran back to the truck, hardly even noticing as I tripped and stumbled my way across the pebbles. My mind was flashing to my college fund; enough to get me going, and Renee had given me an emergency credit card I had never once used, too. Charlie would be hurt, but I hoped he would understand, and that he wouldn't fret. He had gotten on fine without me before, and besides, he wanted me to leave.
The engine of my truck roared to life as I did a swift U-turn and sped away from the beach, suddenly focussing on what I was doing. Having mental clarity back was astounding; my heart raced and my senses were alive as I formulated my plan, the words I would write, mentally packing the crumpled up hold-all on top of my wardrobe.
I wasn't going to be some poor, comatosed little victim anymore. I wouldn't be haunted by his memory for the rest of my life, and the best way to start moving forward was to be away from everything that reminded me of him.
I felt stronger, exhilarated, free.
No more pain.