A/N- First time I've written a oneshot without looking at the keyboard, just for the fun of it. This is, one hundred percent, inspired by my own experience. I just turned my POV into Fang's.
Plot? What Plot?
I admit this is stupid and pointless. It's meant to be that way. If you want deep, meaningful character development, press your "Back" button as soon as possible. Any further and your sanity will pop under pressure.
Disclaimer- Ixnay on the suing thing. Characters aren't mine.
"You're going to kill me, aren't you?"
I looked to see her response, but there was none. Instead, she held up the jar of mucus things even higher.
"Come on, Fang. It'll make your skin smooth and silky, not dried out and flaky. Come on."
Her last sentence had a hint of a threat within it. She leaned against the counter. We were in Dr. Martinez's house, making a pit stop from bashing the rest of Itex's remains. Apparently Max just wanted her Mom's famous cookies, but I just think she was PMSing. Either way, she had found this jar of malodorous, horrible, jar of something and was now insisting on smothering it all over my face. Honestly, it smelled as if Total had puked it up.
"Max, that stuff would make me a girl. It's a face mask. Oh no, I can already feel the testosterone in my body leaking away and being replaced by estrogen!"
"Fang!" Max was frustrated. Good. She looked cute when she was annoyed.
I leaned in extremely close to her, so close that our noses were almost touching.
"Max," I whispered with a secret tone, "Do you want my penis to shrink?"
Her jaw dropped, and I could see a laugh in her eyes. "You're horrible," she said indignantly. "I don't care what part of your anatomy is shrinking, just use it. It'll make your skin sexy."
"You're saying it's not sexy now?" I asked in mock anger. You know, sometimes I think that the reason I was put on this planet was to banter with Max.
"I think you're scared…" she taunted. She unscrewed the jar. "It doesn't even hurt. It's just a slight tingling sensation."
I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. If anyone saw us here- alone in the bathroom- they'd have a fit. "I need more persuasion."
"I'll give you twenty bucks."
Holy CRAP that came out of NOWHERE!
Before she could take it back I grabbed the offending jar, scooped out a handful of the muck and slathered it all over my face. I looked in the mirror. It was me, sure, but I looked like snot. I whirled around to Max. "Ha!"
"See? Was that so bad?" She looked as if she wanted to break out laughing so, so badly.
Wait, what was that?
It was as if someone had pricked a needle onto my forehead. And then another, and another. They came faster and harder and-
"MAX MY FACE IS ON FIRE."
She couldn't help it- she let out a giant laugh and doubled over, holding herself. She was crying from the laughter.
"Slight tingling sensation MY ASS," I yelled as I turned on the tap. Despite the middle-of-a-Russian-winter coldness of the water, I scrubbed my face over and over and dried it with a towel off the rack.
Max attempted to control her breathing. "That was priceless. Oh, if only I had a camera. I can't believe you couldn't handle a girlie face mask."
"Oh, really?" I still had the jar in my hand. I stuck my finger and got out a handful. Before she could throw up her hand, my throw landed the mucus stuff on her face.
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"You were right. I am going to kill you."
Damn, she was fast. She leaned right over and plucked an even larger amount from the jar. But instead of throwing it at me, she pretty much tackled me and her arm around my head, putting me in a lock and at her command.
"Say sorry," she said in a singsong voice.
"Hell no." If I gave in now I'd never hear the end of it.
"Payback's a bitch!" Still holding my head in place, she lathered the concoction all over my face, deeply rubbing it in.
"AARRGG!" the 'slight tingling sensation' was starting to kick in. Why did women put themselves through this pain? Just to impress us guys? I officially give girls credit. Bravo, ladies.
"FEEL THE BURN!" Max was enjoying herself way too much. Way.
I kicked her in the shin, causing her to release me. Even though she was still holding the jar of Hell, I grabbed some and rubbed it all over her bare arms. On her chafed elbows, it burned like a branded horse's ass.
She paused moving, her face twisted and convulsed. "That was low."
"That was necessary."
"You're an asshole."
"Why thank you. That's the highest compliment I've heard all day!"
"I can't even move my arms now."
"See? Even you admit it burns."
"Whatever. I just can't wait to shove this up-"
The bathroom door opened quickly, revealing Gazzy. His eyes went from normal to the size of dinner plates. "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?"
We looked at our position. Indeed, it was…awkward. During our tête-à-tête I had grabbed her by the shoulders, and she had one leg through my spread ones, apparently threatening to kick me in the balls. She had a glob of the face stuff in one hand, inches away from my face. Considering my face was just one green slime ball and Max's arms were dripping, there was a nine in ten chance Gazzy would have nightmares about this incident.
"EW EW EW EW IT'S LIKE A MATING RITUAL OR SOMETHING." Gazzy slammed the door shut and ran down the hall shouting something we couldn't make out.
"Wasn't it locked?" I asked slowly.
"Oh, yeah, a guy and a girl in a locked bathroom. That's not suspicious."
"And I would appreciate it if you could get your leg out of the vicinity of my precious jewels."
She blushed slightly and extracted her leg. "They're hardly precious. Hate to tell you."
I was about to rant and protect my failing masculinity when the door flew open again. It was Gazzy again, but with a camera. It flashed as Max and I looked on, dumbfounded.
"Ooooh, I am totally putting this on the Internet. I'll even make a Facebook account! Maybe Lissa and Sam from that old school will see it!"
He slammed the door shut again, running down the hall again and giggling madly. I leaned my forearms on the counter and put my head on the cool surface. "At least we don't have social lives to be ruined."
Max nodded, taking the same towel I had used and started to rub off her arms. "We're in Social Siberia."
"And Lissa and Sam- they were nothing." Wait, I hadn't meant to say that. Damn.
Instead of getting mad about bringing them up or anything, she just smiled. "Yeah, they were pretty pointless."
"Really?" I was genuinely surprised she said that.
"Obviously. Fang, they were just…duds. Sam's got nothing on you."
"Really?" That was the only word I could say. My dexterity with the English language is fantastic.
"No one understands but you, Fang. No one really gets leadership and command and loyalty. But you do, and that's why you're peanut butter and I'm jelly."
I blinked. "That was strangely sweet."
She finished rubbing herself off. "Yeah, it was. And I hate jelly, too."
"It's okay," I said. "I love jelly."
We both paused, unsure of what I just said. Jelly? Love? Weird.
Max broke the tension and grinned like the devil. She flicked her hair over her shoulder with one quick movement, crossed her arms, and attempted to stare me down. "You know, I'm still holding this stuff."
Oh, crap, it was the face stuff. I'd forgotten about it. Between Gazzy, the picture and something about jelly, the last thing to remember was the jar. And she was all cleaned off, while my face was still covered. This wasn't going to end well.
"Max," I said slowly, trying to subdue her. "You don't have to resort to violence."
"You know, Fang," she said, calmly coming towards me. "I bet I can make other parts of you tingle…"