Disclaimer: I hold no ownership over Twilight or its characters; only this story.
How love doth lie. Sweet seduction marks the words of betrayal. For lust knows no boundaries, and desire is the key.
I stared at the pristine white ceiling as I lay on top of my wide bed. Thoughts were clouding my mind as they always did, gnawing and twisting my consciousness, tumbling around until the words made no sense. This was a most unfortunate consequence of being in this position, where people stopped talking to you as they lacked the awareness of what to say. Not that I would have known how to articulate myself to another person if they were in my situation. Knowing this, I forgave people for their inactions. Although other's I will never forgive for their actions. The pitter-patter of feet could be heard, stumbling quietly down the hallway which lay outside of my door. They were trying to be as silent as possible so that they didn't disturb me. I resented it somewhat, wishing that they would behave like I wasn't in this state, it would give me some sense of normalcy. I continued to lie on the bed covers until the first hint of sunlight began to filter through the curtains adjacent to the bed. This was my cue to get up.
I never needed an alarm clock any more; I barely registered a few hours of sleep a night and would lay awake for most of it. Insomnia was what a doctor would call it. I would be more inclined to think it was a form of torture that my brain was inflicting upon me, so that I would have no escape. The bed moved slightly underneath me as I shifted my weight, rolling over towards the door and night table, which held a lonely lamp and a glass of water. I moved to the edge of the bed, jerking myself upwards into a sitting position and sat there for a moment, kneading my right hand around the watch on my left wrist. There was no need to glance at it to know what the date was. It was a year today. One whole year. My head drooped towards my chest as I made a vain attempt to hold in the tears and emotion that I had fought against for so long. Everyone who knew me would also know what today was, and knowing the pitying stares that I would have to endure for entire day made me consider staying here in this room. A deep sigh rolled off my chest as I acknowledged that it simply wasn't an option. If I wanted any hope of moving forward, I would need to treat today as every other day.
I padded softly across the bare and impeccably clean room towards the door, grabbing my towel and clothes as I went. The bathroom was already occupied when I reached it, so I strolled back past my room and headed to the kitchen with the thought of breakfast in mind. The kitchen was occupied as well, so I took a seat on a bar stool and waited until Emmett had finished loading his arms with items out of the fridge. He obviously didn't hear me enter because he almost dropped everything when he turned around to find me across the countertop.
"Dammit Edward! Don't friggen do that!" He shouted.
I stared at him apologetically, as he unloaded the food onto the bench, and he shook his head in reply. I could always count on him to understand my silent language. I could tell that he was going to make an elaborate breakfast for his girlfriend Rose and himself. He had eggs, milk, sour cream, bacon, butter, some herbs and various other condiments set out on the counter. Not wanting to be witness to the spectacle that was their relationship, I quickly got off the stool, and made myself a bowl of cereal, before exiting to the lounge room. I knew Emmett wouldn't get offended, he rarely did. He barely hid the affectionate exchanges from me either, but that was just Emmett, so I couldn't hold it against him. After all, I was living in his house.
A high pitched squeal emitted from the direction of the kitchen, where the crackling sounds of the frypan could also be heard. Rose was apparently ecstatic with Emmett culinary attempt. Noting that the shower would now be free, but not wanting to return to the kitchen with my empty bowl, I left it on the mahogany coffee table and strode to bathroom. As I walked in, a thick layer of steam hovered near the ceiling and had fogged up the mirror. Unthinkingly, I walked over it and wiped some of the condensation away, revealing my pale reflection. It was such a sordid sight. The circles under my eyes were so dark that they became hollow pits, removing all shine from my irises. They should have been a deep green colour; instead they looked as black as the skin beneath them. My hair was in desperate need of a trim, with the majority of it long and dishevelled. I ran a hand through it in an attempt to tame some of the strands which stood out at weird angles, but it was a futile attempt. My hair had a life of its own. I wasn't particularly bothered as I hardly made any attempt at maintaining my appearance. I felt no real desire to; any effort was wasted. I had given up on that type of behaviour a year ago.
I stood in the shower for as long as I could, prolonging the time spent alone before having to go to work. I was certain that at least one person would ask how I was, while everyone else did their best to ignore me unless they needed or wanted something. I dealt with the latter better than I did the former. While I wished that my brother, and to some degree his girlfriend, would treat me as normal, I cared less for the rest of the world. There was a mundaneness that everyone else seemed to carry with them, bar a select few. I had become disinterested in making new friends, and scarcely held onto the ones that I had. The people who worked with me just seemed so common and boring, nitpicking and gossiping at the trivial parts of the lives of people around them. I recognised that I had become quite cynical after the events of the preceding year, but it was comforting for me to keep my distance, and I was called a 'hard bastard' as a result.
Begrudgingly I turned the shower off before I used all of the hot water, and towelled myself down. I put on the uniform that I wore everyday, which consisted of a blue button down shirt with the company logo embroidered on it, black pants and a black tie. Simple enough for me. I would have been hard put if I had to decide what to wear every day. More then likely I would wear the same thing anyhow. With my morning ritual over, I left the bathroom with the intention of finally taking my breakfast bowl to be washed. I stopped in the hallway, not wanting to venture further as excited giggles could be heard from the kitchen. The need to avoid their covetousness outweighed the need to do domestic duties, so instead I quickly went to my room to retrieve my keys and left the house in a hurry without saying goodbye.
My desk at work was overflowing with paper, post-it notes, and general clutter. I hadn't bothered to try and clear it for months. It was much like my life, allowing everything to become chaotic and never attempting to fix anything. I pushed away a small section of the mess to make room for my coffee cup and turned on my computer. My email inbox was filled with spam and one actual email from my friend Jasper. Actually I considered him to be pretty much my only friend, even though I could be an arse towards him. He was the only one to stick by me at least, everyone else gave up.
The basic content of his email was inviting me to some work function of his tonight, he wanted to hit on a chick he met and he needed a wing man. Why he would think of me for this was beyond me. I replied that I it wasn't a good weekend for me and I had work to catch up on. Truth was it was never a good weekend for me. I noticed some new pieces of paper on the top of my already packed "in" pile, so I reached over and pulled them out. The first two were notifications of jobs, and the rest were work memos. I trashed the memos, and looked over the jobs: someone's computer on level two kept freezing; and a software update was needed to be installed on several computers. I frowned at the pages in my hand, most of the time the problems that people had with computers were a direct result of their own stupidity. It had also occurred to me that the company would save money by setting up a form of instant messaging in their intranet structure instead of constantly printing documents out, and save paper while they were at it, but I wasn't about to suggest it to them. Better just to go about my work than to draw attention to myself. I decided the freezing computer problem could wait, there were plenty of other computers that people could use, and headed up to the first floor to get started on the software installation.
My time for most of the day was spent sending people away from their computers, much to their distaste, and then sitting around for fifteen minutes while the software loaded. In an effort to keep costs down, the company chose not to upgrade their hardware, which belonged in the mid-nineties, an obviously idiotic mistake as any computer malfunction meant lost productivity. I was beginning to think that some head honcho was 'cooking the books'.
I was bored by one o'clock and decided it was time for lunch, which consisted of a cigarette and an apple. The apple was my attempt at being healthy. I switched the computer I had been working on into restart mode, and strode over to the closed stairwell which led to the roof. Heaving myself up the flight of stairs was no task for me, I took two stairs at a time, and thrust open the heavy emergency exit door at the top. The cold air hit me hard, and wind swept around my face, forcing my hair into a kind of dance as it was pulled in several directions. I had absentmindedly left my coat downstairs at my desk, and began to regret it instantly. There was no rain, or even snow yet, but the breeze still had a bite. I walked over to the far railing across from the door, removed a cigarette from the packet, and let it hang in my mouth. I had my doubts that I would be able to light it at all, so I stood there and let my eyes linger on the landscape. Directly in front of me were more buildings and roads stretching out in various directions. The colours were bland, neutral, and resonated of the deeds that took place inside of them. If I raised my head a little, I could begin to see where the houses started. They showed more promise, with speckles of shades you might actually find in a rainbow, or a simple refraction of light. Further in the distance lay my favourite scenery to look at. I lifted my eyes to the farthest point that I could see. Everywhere was green, filled with trees and plants, overgrown and closely grouped. They shifted with the wind, swaying in rhythm, appearing to lean over and speak softly to one another in a chorus of Chinese whispers. Occasionally, a bird would fly out, circle around then dive back into the green abyss. This sight was probably the only thing that made me smile these days. I lost myself in the forest, scarcely registering any thought until I heard the door creak open behind me. I didn't turn around at the sound, although I was mildly curious. In the entire time that I had been coming out here, I had never known any one else to do the same. The door clanged shut, and I listened as whoever it was coughed and shuffled to a space somewhere to the left of me. I held my gaze on the view in front of me, and made an attempt to light my cigarette. The flame of my lighter blew out once, twice, three times before I gave up. I scoffed to myself. It was typical that on today of all days I would find little pleasure. I shoved the cigarette and lighter back in my pocket and leant again the railing, which groaned under my weight. I could still hear small noises from the direction of other person, but I couldn't see them from my periphery. We both stood there for a while until the wind picked up even more. Finally feeling the chill enter my body, I decided it was time to leave. I pushed myself from the railing, turned away from my quiet companion and headed back inside the building.
Instead of returning to the monotonous task I had dealt with the entire morning, I went back to my desk. If I was lucky, I might be able to sneak in a nap under the table. Or, better still, I might be able to leave unnoticed. More and more frequently I had begun to leave the office earlier than I should. I was never caught, and no one ever mentioned anything to me, but that was still no reason to not be cautious. I had another email from Jasper on my computer, this time he was telling me not to be a wanker and that I had better have my shit together by seven pm because that's when he was coming around. I blew out a long breath and decided not to reply. I could possibly feint that I hadn't read the email and try to get out of being his sidekick while he tried to score. There was little optimism in the thought, but it was still worth a try. I stood up glanced around the area just outside of my small pavilion which substituted for an actual office. Five other people shared this room with me, including my manager. Each of them could be just as slack as the next, which made one wonder how any work got done in this place. There was no one in sight at the present moment in time; everyone was either on their lunch break still, or off somewhere else attending to some minor task. Feeling quite secure that I could slip out unnoticed, I turned my computer off and left. No one saw me. No one stopped me.
I drove the familiar route back home, accelerating just a little more than was necessary. Another bad habit. I always took the longer course in an attempt to avoid the house I had occupied for several years. The house they now lived in. I cringed at the thought and caught a glimpse of my face in the rear vision mirror. The frown lines seemed to be prematurely etched into my forehead. I was too young for them to be wrinkles. I tore my eyes away from the wretched mirror and tried to focus on something else. Anything else. I didn't want these memories to continue to burn me like this. It was simply pathetic. I was about to turn into the driveway when I saw both Emmett's and Rose's cars still there. Neither of them had gone to work. Fuck. What was I meant to do now? There was no way that I was entering that house. The two of them were probably going at it like rabbits in every room. My stomach tensed as I tried to block the images which were surfacing. These weren't of my brother or his girl. These were of someone else who had the indecency to pull such an act that I was to bear witness to. My hands involuntarily gripped the steering wheel tight as I fought the urge to put my fist through something. Anger seared through my body and I knew I had to get away from there immediately. I stomped my foot on the accelerator and tore away with my tyres squealing in response. I drove, not thinking about where I was heading, and found myself flying along the interstate highway. A sudden urge to just keep driving and never return took hold of me. I felt a sense of freedom as the green surroundings rushed past me. The temptation was immense. I kept driving for an hour, until the reality hit me. It didn't matter where I went or what I did, I would still be in my own head with these torturous thoughts. I shook my head at the pitifulness of it. I needed to get out of this. I needed to get past this. The only problem was how.