Fun With Chaos
Preread by Flaktrap
For those of you who are new here, I bring in a massive number of crossovers. The primary focuses are Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon and Star Wars, with references from everything from StarCraft to Battletech to Ranma ½. If you get lost, don't worry; it happens to me sometimes too.
Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
So relax, pull up a chair (Oh, wait… Odds are, you're already sitting. Never mind.) and enjoy the fruit of my labors!
In the universe, there are two basic elements: Order and Chaos. One cannot gain dominance over the other. For Order to gain supremacy, all of reality would be frozen forever in time, as that is the only way to prevent change. Were Chaos to rule, all of life as we know it could not exist, as their component molecules would change randomly. What was a carbon-based life form one instant, could transform into a Ford Taurus. So, balance must be maintained, and for the most part, it is. The multitudes of alternate universes generally exist in harmony. Occasionally, whether by accident or design, an object will travel from universe to another. This spark of chaos must be extinguished.
Submitted for your approval is one Ralph. His last name has been omitted to protect his identity. Ralph was just a normal human being. He had a job as a janitor at a small insurance company located in northern Idaho. He had an unusually intense love for anime, and would often spend hours watching his movies or reading from his unusually large stock of manga.
Otherwise, just an ordinary man.
The insurance company Ralph worked for was near a laboratory. The lab had been established so that the brightest minds in the metaphysics community could come together and decipher the mysteries of the universe. However, the brightest minds of the metaphysics community were bright enough not to be shoved into some tiny laboratory in the small town of Podunk, Idaho. So, the second brightest minds were asked, with the same results. And so on, until a pair by the names of Eddy and Wally volunteered.
Eddy and Wally were actually quite brilliant. Either could come up with complex equations on command, and easily figured out the requirements for time travel, teleportation, cold fusion, etcetera. They also were capable of making said machine. However, they never understood what they had made. This was due to their poor short-term memories.
They would start out one day working on a perpetual motion machine. By about noon, the equations would be complete, as well as the design specifications. They would already have forgotten what the device was for, but always built it anyway, hoping they could figure it out when they were done. At approximately 5 P.M., their device would be complete, but Wally and Eddy could never figure out what it was. Whatever it happened to resemble is what they would use it for. The perpetual motion device became a hat rack. What was actually a time machine, they used as a garbage disposal. Thanks to their efforts, the dinosaurs were wiped out when a rotting apple core unleashed a horrible plague upon the planet. But that is another tale for another time.
Given their perceived failure on the time machine, the duo decided to prove the existence of alternate universes and build a device to facilitate travel between such dimensions. As per their standard modus operandi, they forgot what they were working on by 11 A.M. By 4 P.M., they had completed the machine. It resembled a microwave oven. Therefore, they assumed that was its function. Unbeknownst to them, another Eddy and Wally in a parallel world were doing exactly the same thing. Each duo of absent-minded scientists placed a burrito in the center of the oven, entered the time and pressed enter. What they assumed was the cooking times were actually the dimensional coordinates. Each was warped into the other's dimension. The two worlds were virtually identical, so when the four scientists exchanged universes, they noticed no change, except that their burrito was still frozen. In one universe, the scientists threw their "reject" into the back room. In Ralph's universe, Eddy and Wally chucked their invention out the window.
Ralph got off of work each day at around 3:45. After putting his cleaning supplies into his simple locker, he would walk home. That day, he decided to go past the laboratories because Eddy and Wally were always good for a laugh. He still remembered the time they had transformed themselves into gerbils with what looked like a coffee machine. Ralph was rather surprised when a perfectly good microwave oven flew past his head. "Gosh!" he muttered. "What won't people throw away these days?" His wife, Gertrude, had been nagging him that they needed a new microwave. "I think I'll give Gurty a surprise today."
At 4:19, Ralph stepped through the door. "Gurty, I'm home!" He suddenly noticed that his wife wasn't home. "Gurty?" He stepped into his simple, ordinary kitchen. On the refrigerator was a note. It read:
I can no longer live this hollow shell of an existence you call "life." I have left to be with Juan, and shall write you as soon as we reach his chateau in France.
"She never was very good at geography. Oh, well. Life goes on." Taking his new microwave over to the nearest outlet, he grabbed himself a leftover casserole from the freezer. "This should take about an hour." He entered sixty minutes into the dimensional coordinate indicator, placed the frozen concoction into the dimensional transporter, and pressed enter.
With that, Ralph, mild-mannered janitor, was ripped from the universe you know and love.
In an entirely different dimension, a man sat before a gigantic monitor. He turned to his supervisor. "Sir, we have a tear!"
"Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I shall have all of your energy!" The creature laughed madly as it held what appeared to be a diamond in its upper limb. It was presumably female, given the shape of its eyes and lips, but if anything, it resembled a vacuum cleaner. The face was at the end of a snake-like neck, while the body was boxy and had wheels. From its end emerged a large electrical cord, with similar appendages sprouting from the front of the body. It was currently in the lower side of Tokyo.
"The master will be pleased with all of the energy I am gathering!"
"Not so fast!"
"I am Sailor Moon, guardian of justice, and in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" Dang, there IS a youma!
The monstrosity groaned. So did the vacuum cleaner. In unison, they said, "Must they always ruin my plans?"
Sailor Moon, in her secret identity of Usagi, had been preparing to work her limited charms on some unfortunate boy. Fortunately for him, Luna had interfered again. Damned cat!
By then, the other Sailor Senshi had joined her.
"Stupid Senshi. Prepare to die!" It whipped out its triple array of cords, each one finding a scout. This left only Jupiter and Mars left to deal with the threat.
Both of the remaining Senshi were in shock. Jupiter turned to her comrade. "I don't believe it."
Mars nodded. "Yeah, a youma smart enough to take out Sailor Moon first."
Venus, Moon and Mercury found themselves being crushed. Somehow, despite the thin appearance of the cords, they were slowly constricting them. Each breath became more difficult, and it was only a matter of time until breathing was impossible.
"You realize we don't stand a chance."
"Yeah. We're just the diversion."
"Only one thing to do. Mars Fire Ignite!" With that, both launched their attacks. Mars' flame was blown away as the monster sent a gust of wind from its mouth. The electricity from Jupiter's assault was absorbed by one of the cords.
"Even more energy! The master will be thrilled!"
"Just great." Then Jupiter noticed a nearby flagpole.
The pole was rusted through and was lying in a nearby alleyway. In fact, it had been worn away in such a fashion that the end came to a jagged point. "Mars, keep it busy! I have an idea."
"Right! Mars Fire— uff!" She was interrupted as the youma rammed her headfirst.
By now, Jupiter had reached the alley. Grabbing the rusted spear, she began to run up the fire escape. Arriving at the top of the building, she began to take aim. "Here's hoping all those years of track and field weren't wasted." She cocked her arm back and skillfully threw her makeshift javelin. Unfortunately, she overbalanced and fell off the roof. She was uninjured, due to the fact that she was too stupid to realize that she should have been dead.
The flagpole flew along its planned trajectory, plunging into the youma's side. It screamed an inhuman cry of agony and released the captured Senshi, who were by this time unconscious. Dusting herself off, she muttered, "Oh well, I wasn't planning on their help. Jupiter thunderstrike!" The lightning traveled towards the demon.
Even in a world occupied by talking cats and magical girls, the laws of physics still hold some power. For example, the rusted flagpole jutting from the youma's side made an excellent lightning rod. As massive amounts of electricity were injected directly into what served as the monster's innards, it proved to be too much. Emitting another wail, it simply exploded. The energy it been storing flew out, returning to the original hosts.
Luna ran from the shadows. "Sailor Moon! Are you okay?"
Sailor Mars, shrugging off her injuries, rose to her feet. "That was the most unusual battle ever."
"Whatever do you mean?"
"A number of things. For one, the youma actually attacked while I was powering up my attack. Also, it figured out it needed to take out Sailor Moon first, Sailor Moon wasn't the one who defeated it, we used strategy instead of brute force, and Tuxedo Mask didn't show up."
Sailor Moon regained consciousness. Wincing, she pondered, "Yeah, where is he anyway?"
Glued before his TV was our favorite tux-boy. He was also playing with a Game Boy at the same time. He was singing badly along with a theme song. "Gotta catch 'em all! Pokémon!!
A few minutes later, all of the Senshi had recovered. Everybody had congratulated Jupiter on her first victory. All was well in the universe. That was about the time that a gigantic portal opened immediately behind them. It glowed as bright green, and what looked like lightning skittered along the edges. Its shape wasn't fixed, and it kept shifting between a circle and an oval.
"What the hell is that, Luna?"
"A warp tunnel? What are they doing here?" For some reason, the talking cat seemed even more worried than usual.
Mercury was using her computer to analyze the hole. "It is a tear in the fabric of reality! We need to close it or else we could all be sucked in!"
Sailor Mars was about to spout a sarcastic remark along the lines of "And how exactly are we supposed to do that?" when a loud scream emanated from the thing. An instant later, a man flew from the hole. He landed badly.
He appeared to be about ten years older than they were. Dressed in a dirty janitorial uniform, he was out of place amongst the group of superheroines. Clutched in his hands was what appeared to be a battered microwave oven.
The man stared at them for a few moments. Sailor Scouts? For a longtime fan like him, there were three explanations. One: I've died and gone to heaven. Two: I've died and gone to hell. Three: This microwave is one of Wally's creations and the radiation has damaged my brain.
"Where am I?"
Sailor Moon responded in Japanese. Although he loved Japanimation, all of his collection was dubbed. Thus, he didn't understand a word of it. He tried again. "Do you speak English?"
No response. He decided to try French.
"Parlez vous Francias?"
No response. Okay. Maybe German?
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"
With that, Sailor Venus launched into a stream of German. "Wie heissen Sie?" (What is your name?)
"Ich heisse Ralph. Wo bin ich?" (My name is Ralph. Where am I?)
"Sie sind im Tokyo." (You are in Tokyo.)
"Nein, Danke." (No, thank you).
The two exchanged bits and pieces of information. Neither had a terribly firm grasp of the language, but it was sufficient for both parties to realize that Ralph had no idea where he was, the Senshi were (as usual) clueless, and neither of them knew how he had come to be there.
And his casserole was still cold.
Sailor Mercury turned to her comrade. "Where did you learn German?"
Venus shrugged. "Well, I have no idea what I'm saying. I'm just reading the script. As for what he's been saying, I've been reading the subtitles at the bottom of the screen."
"This was supposed to be a TV movie, but got canceled. The subtitles are at the bottom." As she spoke, a line of Swedish appeared at the bottom of the screen.
Suddenly, another warp hole opened up. Unlike Ralph's, this one was a perfect circle. Instead of random lightning bolts, the circle seemed to be supported by a spiral of light that extended as far as they could see. A man who looked to be in his early twenties stepped out. He was dressed in a green police officer's uniform. An army helmet covered his head, and he seemed to be holding some sort of military-grade rifle. When he spoke, all understood.
"Freeze! You are all under arrest for violating the laws of physics! You! Put down the microwave. You, in the badly designed school uniforms, drop your transformation pens and get your hands where I can see 'em!" He turned towards Luna. "I see you, cat! Don't move!"
For some reason, Ralph didn't think it unusual that the man was yelling at the cat at Sailor Moon's feet. But even as a Sailor Moon fan, the misplaced janitor was surprised when Luna began speaking.
"I am Agent Luna of universe WN-BF4-4791-SM. These girls are under my protection."
"Wait a minute. Why would we have a cat as an agent?"
"I'm the only one who would volunteer."
"You have my sympathy."
The man lowered his rifle. He considered the situation and slung the weapon over his shoulder. "All right, let's see some ID."
"Girls, give the man your amulets."
"What? But those are the source of our power!"
"Just do it!"
One by one, the Sailor Senshi placed their brooches into the officer's waiting hand. In the other was what appeared to be a small wand. He scanned each in turn and seemed satisfied by the results. "All right then, your superhero licenses are still good for another year, but don't forget to have them renewed. As for you, Agent Luna, your witch's familiar and magic licenses are good for another decade, but your mystical mentor permit comes due next month. You girls are free to go."
Sailor Moon's response was understandable. "Huh? What's all that about licenses and permits and witches?"
"First of all, it might be better to explain who he is. This is Sergeant Phil of the Physics Police. He is assigned to our sector of the multiverse."
The cat sweat dropped. "Well, Usagi, the Physics Police are in place to enforce the laws of physics. It is incredibly hard to do, but occasionally, someone or something violates these laws. With this, the precarious balance between order and chaos is shifted. Then, they step in to apprehend or eliminate the source of the disturbance. Also, they make sure that dimensional barriers are maintained."
Ralph was thoroughly confused. "Why license superheroes? It sounds like these police are pretty powerful."
Luna turned to face the perplexed janitor. Somehow, all understood what she said. "They acknowledge that some universes have rogue elements that require local support. There are too few Physics Policemen to handle every disturbance, but they still feel that they need to maintain control. Thus, all superheroes must be licensed and under their control. Most don't even realize they are under their jurisdiction. Even a Super Saiyan must obey them because they all sorts of nasty tricks. For example, there is the IRS audit gun. The idea is that everybody has errors on their tax returns. Even the most powerful beings can be arrested for tax evasion. Do you understand?"
Sailor Moon scratched her head. "Dimension? What's that?"
Phil slapped his forehead in frustration. Nobody is this dense. Why me? "Let me dumb this down a bit. We keep the universe from going bye- bye."
"Okay." She was having a little difficulty with the "bye-bye" part, but she got the gist of it.
By now, Sergeant Phil was focused on Ralph again. "May I see your dimension hopper license?"
"My what? Who are you?"
Phil was getting desperate. "Please tell me you did this intentionally."
"Look, officer. I ain't done nothin' wrong. I was just making some casserole."
"Why me?" he groaned. "All because Warren's the Chief's pet. That lucky bastard is probably lounging on Tatooine about now."
He turned to Ralph. "You're coming with me." Grabbing the protesting janitor by the collar, he dragged him into an alternate dimension.
The Sailor Senshi looked at each other. Sailor Moon turned to Luna. "Who was that?"
All within earshot simultaneously facefaulted. After recovering, Luna sighed. "All right, Mercury, get out the sock puppets."
Groaning, she reached into a well-hidden pocket. When her hand came out, it was clothed in a sock with buttons for eyes. Sailor Mercury adopted a high-pitched voice. "Hello! I'm Lefty Lisa, and I'm here to tell you about the Physics Police! Remember, learning is fun!"
Ignoring the wet pavement, Sailor Moon promptly sat down. "Oh boy! Lefty Lisa!"
Let us leave this pathetic scene before I get a migraine.
End Part 1
Author's note: Some may say I have been unfair in my portrayal of the mental abilities of the Sailor Senshi. This claim is accurate. There is no way Sailor Jupiter would have come up with that strategy on her own. Please excuse my inaccuracy.
All jokes aside, there is a simple explanation for the unnecessary roughness toward the Senshi: my pre-reader is rabidly anti-anime. This is kind of amusing, considering that he spends massive amounts of time reading and helping me plan my next sections. So, initially, the fic does tend to be somewhat mean-spirited. However, I do eventually start giving the Senshi their due (much to my prereader's distaste).