This is a conversation me and my good friend had.

We were bored as per usual. Hannah was typing loudly on her laptop while I lounged lazily on my make-shift bed. I let out a long sigh and Hannah turned to look at me. She gave me a stern look, as to tell me to shut up. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking; there had never been a place as boring as Northampton and there never will be. Hannah's maniacal laughter distracted me from my boredom and I turned to face her. She was having a spaz attack while watching one of her favourite scenes from the amazing new twilight film. We had seen the film twice the week before but Hannah was watching it again on the internet. I stared at the laptop screen, watching Emmett as he waved at Bella, knife still clutched in his hand - he looked like a murderous lunatic (though not as much as Hannah who was still laughing uncontrollably). My eyes darted to Carlisle's beautiful face as he left his cooking to greet Bella. Then at that moment, looking at Carlisle's indescribable beauty and the Italian food that had been left on the hob I had a fantastic and brilliant idea.

"HANNAH" I screamed in overenthusiastic excitement "I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!" I shouted.

"What?" she replied, her laughing had subsided but her eyes were still stuck to the screen.

"We are going to go to forks…"


"…kidnap Carlisle…"

"Oh dear lord"

"…pour Italiano on him…"

"You're insane"

"…And eat it of his naked back!" I almost shouted this last part of my plan, so eager I was.

"You're a luna-….why his back? Why not his front?" she protested suddenly.

"I don't know." I shrugged my shoulders. "I thought eating it from his front would be rude!" I replied, awestruck.

"So you're going to strip him naked and pour food on him but you think eating from his front is rude?!" She looked at me, incredulous. Her eyes were wide, I could almost hear the cogs in her strange head turning.

"Yeah" I looked back to the screen and gasped in delight as the wonderful, amazing, hot and absolutely gorgeous Jasper Hale sauntered casually across the screen. I had a sudden brainwave. "We should do it to jasper too" I added excitedly.

"And Edward and Emmett" Hannah suggested, throwing her arms in the air, her voice thick with sarcasm.

"And, hey, why not Jacob and James too, while we're at it?"

Hannah stared at me. I could tell that she thought I was joking, so I stared back, meaningful. She finally got to grips with the fact that I was deadly serious.

"I like this idea, so what are we going to do?" She looked at me, expectantly.

"Well you can kidnap and 'take care of' the Cullen family," I said, my fingers making quotations marks in the air, "while I go to Tesco to get supplies. I'll get rid of Bella on my way and on the way home, kidnap Jacob and James. I will then meet you at the house, we will make Italiano and then we shall put our plan into action"

"Ok, we will need rope, duct tape and tomato sauce..." Hannah pondered, meeting my outstretch palm with hers, high five-ing me.

"This is going to be great" I said rubbing my hands together menacingly, while Hannah turned back to the film.

She burst into roars of familiar laughter. I turned to see what it was that had set her off. She had rewinded the film to watch Emmett and the knife again. And she thought I was crazy?