Merry F'in Christmas from Grimmjow Jeagerjaques

AN: I know it's a little late, but I did write it on Christmas... blame the minor temporal distortion assosiated with travel between Soul Society and the living world.

As usual in Soul Society, Matsumoto threw the best parties. However, for one of her parties, much to Shunsui's constant complaining, there was a distinct lack of alcohol… you know… not that Ichigo really cared or anything… in fact he was half glad the whole of Seireitei wasn't raging drunk, but at the same time being around these people made him really want to get wasted.

Kurotsuchi had arrived without an invitation and was setting up a projector at the back of the large room Matsumoto had acquired for the party (apparently it was actually one of the barracks from the 10th division that was made spacious and reserved for large social gatherings at Yamamoto's approval). Many people were watching him, Nemu in particular had even approached him and asked if he desired her assistance and oddly received a negative.

Even Yachiru watched him as well, quite curious about what Funny-Hat-kun was doing… but also constantly distracted by the large Christmas tree occupying the far corner of the room, and the presents under it.

When the projector flared to life, the room suddenly went dark and the occupants silent. Kurotsuchi-taicho cleared his throat and grinned before declaring. "We have mail."

The screen displayed a backdrop of the desert of Hueco Mundo, a few cardboard cutout pine trees almost made it appear like the white sand was actually snow. After a few moments there was an irritated mutter in the background. "Do I really have to do this?"

A female voiced hissed back. "Yes, because I'm holding the camera. Now go!"

A growl of aggravation was heard before Grimmjow Jeagerjaques walked into the center of the screen. He was wearing a red Santa hat, and a moderately annoyed scowl. "Greetings shinigami, and merry fucking Christmas from Grimmjow Jeagerjaques…" The feminine voice cleared her throat. "Oh… and Nel says hi too… I guess…"

There was an awkward pause before he continued. "Anyway, I hope you jackasses are enjoying your eggnog and sake… oh wait! You can't! Because I stole it all bicthes! Me and my hollow buddies are having the biggest fuckin' Christmas party you'll never ever fuckin' see! Eat that!"

At this point Shunsui and Matsumoto were gathering a small invasion force, hell bound on getting their sake back, or at the very least seeing 'the biggest fuckin' Christmas party you'll never ever fuckin' see' and perhaps joining in the drunken festivities there.

It was evident that Nel was mildly annoyed as a stream of sand shot from just below the camera's position and smacked Grimmjow right in the face. "Aw shit! You got some in my mouth!" He coughed a few times. "Dammit Neliel!" He coughed some more."Fucking shit that's nasty…" He finally spit out a sandy god and gave one more 'blah' before clearing his throat and continuing his speech. "Anyway… uh… where was I?"

The corner of a piece of paper appeared in the bottom left of the screen. "Oh yeah! Right! So… before any of you come stormin' in here looking for booze, I got a few more announcements to make." He held up one finger. "First off, if Kurosaki's there, tell him the present with the blue box and the yellow ribbon is from me!"

Ichigo indeed scurried to the back of the room and Yachiru lifted said box from the pile and handed it to him. "Open it Ichi! Open it!" She cheered exicitedly.

He gave it a cautious shake and narrowed his eyes suspiciously when it made no sound. Yachiru growled cutely and yelled again. "Open it!"

He huffed and held the box at arm's length and slowly untied the yellow ribbon, all the eyes in the room fully trained on him, eager to see what the Sexta Espada could have possibly gotten the Shinigami Representative. As soon as the ribbon gave way Ichigo ducked back and just barely avoid a crimson red Cero that was belted from the top of the box. "Holly fucking shit!"

Kurotsuchi Mayuri laughed briefly. "I must find out how the Arrancar did that!"

Ichigo glared at the screen and saw Grimmjow laughing his ass off. "Okay, okay… seriously though… the red one's for your little sisters, and no that one doesn't have a fuckin' Cero in it."

Grimmjow held up two fingers. "Next… I wish to announce that while we understand Las Noches is both big, and fuckin' awesome, and we do appreciate the help reformin' the place, but we sincerely hope your Vizard buddies and that fuckin' geta-boshi bastard go home sometime before we have to force them to make it a fuckin' new year's resolution!" The paper corner appeared in the corner again. "Oh, and they're all doin' just dandy, in case you were wonderin'."

Pesshe's face appeared in the side of the screen suddenly. "Grimmjow-san! Kensei-san is about to beat your personal 'Drunken Profanities' record!"

Grimmjow scowled. "Are you fuckin' shitting me? Am I going to have to add a third language to this shit?! This is ridiculous! Here, take over for me!" He took off his Santa hat and slapped it on Passhe's head before running off in a blur.

Pesshe appeared shocked for a moment before he moved to stand in the center of the camera's view. "Uh… merry Christmas to all and to all a good…" He turned around and peeked behind one of the cardboard trees, when the tree fell over Pesshe jumped and squeaked in surprise. He righted himself and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Mid afternoon… it appears…" He adjusted his hat as it had begun to slide off his head.

"That was very good Pesshe-kun!" Nel's voice replied happily before the video suddenly stopped.

The room of Shinigami was silent for a moment. Ikkaku yelled loudly from beside the door with Matsumoto, Shunsui, and an assortment of other shinigami who were very interested in alcohol. "Hey everybody! We're gunna go crash their party! Proceed without us!"

The room fell silent again before Yamamoto stood up from one of the folding chairs off at the side of the room and walked out of the door without a word, presumably to either go to bed… or join the party crashers. Most of the room soon followed, leaving only the underage shinigami (Toshiro, Hanataro, and Yachiru), Ichigo, and Rukia. "They all left…" Ichigo mumbled.

Rukia just smiled. "Didn't you say your father was having his own little Christmas bash for Yuzu, Karin, and their friends?"

Ichigo sighed and turned to the three remaining shinigami. "Hey, do you three want to join a party full of eleven year olds?"

There was another pause as Hanataro exchanged a look at the excited Yachiru who gave a cheer of affirmation ("Yay! Party, party, party!") and the exasperated Hitsugaya-taicho who then shrugged and nodded, before he himself gave a brief and reluctant nod.

Rukia cheered as well, leaving Ichigo to face-palm and sigh. "Grab all the shit that's for you and let's go."

In the end, it turns out that the party in the human world was actually not as bad as Ichigo would have thought, and Grimmjow's gift to his sisters was actually a set of hollow-esque hair clips for Yuzu and an ivory dagger for Karin (which Karin hid well after that so Ichigo couldn't find it, but no harm ever seemed to come from it). Soul Society and Hueco Mundo got wasted and woke up with hangovers the next day. Grimmjow preserved his Drunken Profanities record, Ikkaku scored with some Arrancar chick with one arm and a horn, and Mayuri never did find out how Grimmjow got a Cero in a box.