I do not own Twilight or its characters… or Stephenie Meyer. I do, however, own all the snarky comments in this condensation.


Bella: Ya, this moment right now… well it really bites. Mwa ha, made a pun, but in all seriousness, having a hungry bastard of a vampire in front of you = pretty scary. Had to fucking fall in love with a -

Stephenie Meyer: *clears throat* Bella, we talked about this. You can't just come up with whatever crap you want to spill out there. The last time I checked, my name was on the front of the books. I'm thinking chagrin, I'm thinking masochistic, gimme some teen angst.

Bella: (looking slightly put out) But that is complete bullshit. *looks at manuscript in hand* No one in their right mind would freaking say -

Stephenie: (wiggling her finger ominously over the backspace button) You know, I could just let my finger slip, and delete you all together…

Martyr!Bella: *deep sigh* When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.

Stephenie: *leaning back and smiling, she whispers* Yeeeeees, dance monkeys, dance.