A/N: Oh, it's on.

Also I totally quoted Ri a few times in this. Sorry Ri!

And a final quote from Ri before we begin: "I'm so glad I have rocky the dog as my office assistant and not the dumb paperclip. I bet he'd say things like "It looks like you're writing smut! If you need some ideas, I know a few good internet sites that could help you out!""



Sakura Haruno was running dangerously low on energy, and she could still heft Sasuke's skinny ass over her shoulder and cart him about like a sack of badly written suicide notes.

"Shh! Naruto, for a delinquent, you don't know a damn thing about sneaking around." She would mention that he was pretty inept for a ninja as well, but figured that 'delinquent' was a more accurate job description for Naruto.

"I want a gumball!" Naruto replied a bit too loud, and was instantly shushed by both Sakura and the bastard hanging off her shoulder in a fireman's carry. So Naruto had been distracted by the brightly colored gumball machine in the pediatric ward. So he had made Sakura wait right in the middle of the hallway while she carried their injured, bleeding teammate on her shoulder in the name of gumballs. So he had dropped a handful of change on the tile floor in the process. Big frickin' deal.

"Forget the gumball," Sasuke's voice grated from somewhere around Sakura's mid-back.

"But there's enough change on the floor for, like, six gumballs—"

"Naruto," Sakura hissed, and Naruto slouched after her, pouting enormously.

She had to stifle a laugh at his expression, but Naruto caught the muffled sound and instantly broke out into a thousand-watt grin again, falling into step beside her in the dimly lit, sterile hallway. Their shoes made squelch squelch squelch noises as they walked—earlier their sparring session had made a detour into a waterfall.

It was a wonder she wasn't angry at Naruto. It was his fault they were here. Even at their best, Team 7 was not the most restrained of teams, so it wasn't surprising that when Naruto got particularly emotionally invested in a practice session (Sakura was sure that he could be passionate about anything except maybe mathematics), all three of them got wound up and depleted all their chakra in a sincere attempt to pulverize each other.

Normally, Sakura still had enough chakra at the end of it to patch together the three of them, but she did not have quite the presence of mind, at the moment, to remove approximately a jillion tiny wood splinters from Sasuke's legs.

Okay, so this late-night visit was really a combined Naruto-Sasuke-Sakura fault. It was partially Sasuke's fault for being so exhausted and sloppy that he failed to avoid the shrapnel from one of her punches, it was partially Naruto's fault for goading them past their limits, and it was partially Sakura's fault.

For being so awesome!

"Hey, Sasuke, I'll be sure to find you the room with the teddy bears. I know you love that one," Naruto goaded.

Sakura, who usually like to believe herself majestically above their petty squabbling, broke out into slightly hysterical giggling. She was a bit light-headed because this was no ordinary hospital visit— this was a secret hospital visit. If word got back to Kakashi that they had exhausted themselves past the point of no return in practice again, there would be hell to pay.

As a result, they were sneaking around the hospital to meet up with Shizune, who owed Sakura a favor. They were sneaking around badly. Suffice to say, the three of them had not needed to break into the hospital for treatment in a while, and all of them felt like they were twelve again.

Sasuke should be feeling particularly twelve today, seeing as he had made an astronomically stupid mistake. This was not helping Sakura focus on being subtle and quiet at all, and was instead making her laugh like a hyena.

As much as she could not let it show, Inner Sakura was dancing the most immature of dances all over her mental space. Sasuke was taking this embarrassing incident exceedingly well. If she showed the slightest hint of the gigantic amount of pleasure she took from wounding him, he would hold it against her, likely forever.

So she had to be respectful of his punctured Uchiha ego-balloon and not tease him, or even acknowledge that Sasuke, for all intents and purposes, truly belonged in the children's ward tonight.

No teasing under any circumstances. None.

"No, no," she whispered, "he likes the dinosaur room. You know how he has that— euuuuwww."

Sasuke had started smearing his bloody leg all over her front. She supposed she deserved it.

"Oh, gross, Sasuke." Naruto wrinkled his nose at the mess. They were mostly clean thanks to the waterfall, and Sasuke was trying to smear red on red, but still. "Okay, it's the giraffe room for you."

"Oh, no," drawled Sasuke, "not the giraffe room. Have mercy."

If he was being sarcastic, Sasuke was not nearly as ashamed as he ought to be. It was time to take tough guy down another peg. Sakura started taking over-exaggerated, bouncing steps, and Sasuke found himself jostling around in a most undignified manner.

As they passed a doorway, Sasuke grabbed on to the doorframe and used the last of his strength to slam Sakura into the wall, lock his legs around her neck, and flip her over.

Naruto was tossing Sasuke the other way down the hallway before Sakura completed her fall, and Sasuke threw his fully sheathed sword at Naruto's head as he sailed through the air.

Sakura hit the floor, followed by Sasuke, who slid several feet, wet clothes squeaking against tile, and finally Sasuke's sword smacked into Naruto's forehead with a satisfying thunk.

Slow, sarcastic clapping sounded out, growing steadily closer. Deidara and Shizune had witnessed the whole thing. Team 7 was unconcerned—they had felt the two coming, and they were pretty much beyond saving face in this situation.

"I thought you said no witnesses," Sakura accused, staring up at Shizune.

"Sorry," said Shizune. "I had to bring him with so I could explain to him that he is not allowed to knock out his co-workers."

Deidara gave a 'what can you do' shrug. "The guy knew I was an anesthesiologist. If he's going to go around saying 'I wanna be sedated,' I'm going to sedate him. Makes sense, yeah?"

Shizune sighed and visibly decided against continuing what was probably an ongoing argument. "Sasuke, let's get this over with. Deidara... you're a lost cause. Look, I know your victims are all very annoying, but you HAVE to stop anesthetizing them. Understand?"

Deidara waved a hand dismissively. Naruto had risen and started to hoist Sasuke back up, smacking him with the sword each time he tried to resist. Sakura just stared up at the ceiling. She felt bad that the witness was Deidara, because she wasn't cool with killing Deidara to protect their awful secret. She had to respect a guy who could knock people out with finesse.

"No fighting!" Shizune barked at Sasuke and Naruto, who had fallen into a scuffle. They froze, Sasuke poised to elbow Naruto in the gut. "Into the giraffe room."

Naruto dragged Sasuke obediently into the room papered with bright-eyed, staring giraffes. To tell the truth, those giraffes really did creep Naruto out a little bit. They just... their eyes were just... Those giraffes just weren't right.

Shizune followed them into the room and the door clicked shut behind her. Sakura momentarily entertained the notion of getting up, but decided against it.

Deidara padded over to where she was lying and looked down at her.

"Gonna help me up?" she asked

"Nah," he said. "You could use the rest."

Sakura wrinkled her nose up at him. She wouldn't have Deidara pestering her about sleeping if fate hadn't decided that he would forget his coat one night and catch her working late… Well, later than usual. Since then, whenever she ran into Deidara at the hospital (which was happening with increasing frequency), he would more often than not tell her that she worked too much and looked dead on her feet.

He would then offer to whip her up something under the radar to knock her out. She would then offer, quite courteously, to return the favor, but with her fists, and their conversations usually ended with one of them trying to stab the other with a syringe.

So, overall, Sakura counted him in her 'friendly but slightly mad co-workers' category. She didn't know why the 'but slightly mad' was there. Almost all of her co-workers were crazy in unique and special ways. Deidara just took it up a notch.

"I could," she agreed, "but I'd rather rest in my own bed rather than the hospital floor."

"Done it too many times this week, then?"

"Ha ha." If she wasn't so exhausted, she would grab his ankle and knock him down. He probably knew she was too tired to do anything at the moment, or he wouldn't be standing within reach. "I just don't feel comfortable sleeping where who knows how many kids have bled."

"Your friend bled on the floor, too. The sulky one." Deidara inclined his head over to where Sasuke had left a long streak of blood where he hit the floor.

"Eh, Sasuke's always bleeding on something. Usually me." Sakura somehow found the strength to flip herself onto her stomach, and found that, indeed, Sasuke had managed to get blood onto her shirt. Wonderful. Well, she wouldn't get up on sheer willpower alone. Sakura started to push herself up, and her arms buckled underneath her before giving way. She knocked her chin solidly on the ground and felt the reverberations all the way up her jaw.

She made a low, irritated noise and rolled onto her back, clutching her chin. Deidara was near-laughing at her, but his eyebrows was hiked up at an angle that said he was torn between amusement and pity.

"That was pathetic, Haruno."

"Shut up and give me your damn hands."

Deidara complied, and Sakura tried not to think about his handmouths as he hoisted her up. It was kind of difficult, considering they couldn't seem to keep still, so when he grabbed her hands she got the distinct impression of twin kisses pressed to her palms.

Sakura wobbled on unsteady feet as a shiver wracked her. Luckily, Deidara seemed to think it had something to do with the fact that she was still decidedly damp and cold to the touch. He put an arm around her waist and steered her down the hallway back the way she came with a muttered comment about over-training.

Sakura walked like a zombie past Naruto's gumball machine. She could sense Deidara's would-be nonchalant glances towards her, but she did not have the energy to reassure him that she was fine. She was focusing all of her energy on ignoring the arm around her waist.

Arm? Waist? Whatever. She had guys throwing their arms around her waist all the time. Practically every day. So this was nothing. Because she had so many men. So many handsome men, all putting their hands on her waist.

Ino was right. I need to get out more, Sakura realized.

The more she tried to ignore the solid warmth next to her, the more she focused on it. She was also trying to ignore thoughts about Deidara's handmouths. Normally he wore gloves around the hospital, so she hadn't felt them on her skin before. Which meant she was usually better at preventing… untoward thoughts about them.

But it wasn't her fault! She wasn't deprived or anything… it was totally natural to wonder about what he could use them for. Totally natural.

Sakura shivered again.

"All right, that's it." Deidara picked Sakura up and set her down on the counter of a nurse's station they were passing. Normally Sakura would protest and say something about hygiene, but this particular section of pediatrics was only used when they had an overflow of patients. It would be cleaned before the next use anyway.

Deidara looked Sakura in the eyes while still holding onto her hips, which made it hard to concentrate. "Try not to die before I get back, yeah, I don't want to have to drag your body away."

Sakura gave a half-hearted giggle. Deidara just shook his head at her and disappeared.

She swayed idly on the counter as she waited for him to get back. The last of her energy was leaving her a bit earlier than planned, and when Sakura crashed after a training session like this, she crashed for hours.

Deidara returned with a bundle of cloth in his arms. He dumped it in Sakura's lap. "Change out of those clothes if you don't want to give yourself hypothermia."

Her eyes shot open as wide as they would go in her drowsy state. "What, here? I don't really—"

"Doctor's orders," said Deidara. "It all comes off, or I take it off."

Deidara raised his eyebrows at her, eyes serious, and Sakura had to use all of her muscles to stop herself from shuddering a third time.

Before she could even begin to formulate a reply, he turned and re-entered the hallway they came from, disappearing from view around a bend.

Sakura blew out a slow breath and then attempted to master her discomfort as she stripped off her wet things and set them aside, folded neatly. Deidara had brought her a pair of faded blue scrubs and an extra shirt to dry off with. The only question was: did she really need to wear her still-damp underwear home…?

Sakura finally settled on 'no' and tugged on the scrubs moments before she heard Deidara's returning footsteps. Sakura attempted to hop back onto the counter and failed miserably. She then tried to look casual but as her arms were still bent behind her, hands on the counter from where they had been trying to push her up, she just managed to look weird.

Deidara approached the end of the hallway where the nurse's station was, mouth and handmouths each chewing on a different flavored gumball. Some idiot had left enough change on the floor for, like, six gumballs, and Deidara was reaping the cheap, sugary rewards. This kind was his favorite—gigantic, hard-shelled, hollow spheres with the artificial color coating that came off on your tongue. Delicious.

He rounded the corner, choked, and swallowed the gum he'd been enjoying.

Sakura watched in horror as Deidara took in her appearance and seemed to have a stroke. God, was her hair that bad? It was the pose, wasn't it?

"Look, I couldn't get back onto the counter, okay?" she snapped. She self-consciously ran a hand through disheveled pink strands. Wait, no—was it obvious that she had forsaken her bra and panties? Did he have x-ray vision of some kind? Damn her heathenish nature!

Deidara seemed to shake himself out of it and walked over, lifting Sakura onto the counter once more. "Doctor's still in session," he said at her inquisitive stare, a slight rasp evident in his deep voice, and tilted her still-smarting chin up with a finger. He figured he had better heal this, because if Sakura used any more of her chakra, she'd kill herself.

Sakura hummed under her breath as the glow of healing chakra surrounded Deidara's hand. She felt the pain in her chin drain away as he healed it and lightly skimmed his fingers along her jaw line to check for soreness once he was done.

"Hmm, that feels nice," she sighed, tilting her head into the light catch of his fingers. Usually she was the one administering care, so it was always nice when someone paid attention to her well-being.

Deidara made a grating noise deep in his throat and slid one of his hands into her hair. She was trying to kill him, that was all there was to it. This was his punishment for lying and saying he drugged her coffee last week, because she had been called away to care for a patient before she could deck him, and it was working fantastically.

Sakura nodded forward and rested her head on Deidara's shoulder as he began to lightly massage the back of her neck. She hummed into his neck. If he stopped, she'd murder him.

After several minutes of attending to Sakura's sore muscles, Deidara was ready to die quite well enough on his own. It was bad enough giving an impromptu massage, but Sakura kept making all these noises right in his ear and against his shoulder. Her breathing had evened out, but his was growing shorter, and he feared she would notice soon.

Sakura felt the rumble of his chest as he talked.

"How awful would it be if I took advantage of you while you're this weak?"

She laughed into his shirt. "So awful. Terrible. Unforgivable—" she lifted her head and froze, met with one of Deidara's wide-eyed, intense stares. She only saw him look like this when he was concentrating entirely on his work, and having its full effect turned on her was beyond unnerving, especially when she had expected his expression to be lightly teasing.

The fact that she was seated slightly higher than him did nothing to diminish the effect. Sakura felt suddenly that her limbs were too heavy to move, and remained motionless as Deidara moved between her legs and tilted his head up to kiss her.

Sakura's eyes fluttered shut at the surprisingly soft contact, and she angled her head into the kiss, beyond processing what was happening. Her limbs still felt heavy, and there was an almost dreamlike quality to her scattered thoughts.

Once Sakura returned the kiss, Deidara could only wait so long before his hands were tangling in her hair again, taking control of the girl lying pliant in his arms. He increased the pressure of his lips on hers, pulling back to nibble at her lower lip before pulling it into his mouth.

Meanwhile, one of his hands was on her neck again, and the gum wasn't stopping it from pressing kisses to her racing pulse. Sakura found herself torn between the dual sensations of the two mouths currently on her, and couldn't suppress a gasp when the handmouth suddenly bit down.

Deidara took advantage of this and pressed his mouth to hers again. He noticed that she tasted like clear rainwater. Sakura noted that he tasted like cheap sugar. The handmouth was still nipping at her neck, though, and when it moved up to her ear and licked before biting again, she moaned into Deidara's mouth.

Deidara broke the kiss and Sakura tilted her head back as he panted against her neck, his other arm moving from her hair to circle her waist and bring her more snugly against him.

The only thing Sakura could do was try to breathe as one handmouth wreaked havoc on her ear, Deidara left more marks on her neck, heading lower, and the second handmouth left her waist to skim under her shirt and take entirely unfair advantage of her state of undress. Finally, her arms lifted so that she could tangle her fingers helplessly in his hair and whimper, with an answering masculine groan from the blonde anchored to her.

"Fffuck," Deidara hissed against her neck, which only made Sakura make more downright embarrassing noises, until she grew reverently silent. One of the handmouths was toying with her waistband.

Yes yes yes yes, she chanted, their harsh breathing the only sound besides—


"Fuck!" Deidara hissed for an entirely different reason.

"Shitfuck," Sakura concurred enthusiastically, and pointed to the marks on her neck. "Shit! Heal them! Heal them!"

Deidara growled at the thought, she growled in return, and finally Sakura grabbed his fingers and almost squeezed them to the breaking point until he healed up the marks on her neck.

He then stepped away and pouted tremendously, dually bad-tempered from being interrupted and from having to undo all of his handiwork.

Sakura had no time for his pouting, and tried to make herself look wan and tired again. She was still exhausted, but had to figure that she was looking particularly flushed and healthy at the moment, or at least ravished.

Luckily, Shizune wasn't with the dynamic duo that rounded the corner, and neither Sasuke nor Naruto noticed Sakura's rather disheveled appearance, nor her kiss-swollen lips, nor the one mark Deidara had left on her neck. They were busy, as usual, bickering.

It was unbelievable, but Sakura thanked her lucky stars for their ignorance, just this once. "Well, now that you're better, I'll be going home now," she said in a rush, and ran off before Naruto could say "You didn't have to wait up, Sakura-chan."

"Hm. What's up with her?" Naruto wondered.

Sasuke made a noncommittal noise, and Deidara picked up Sakura's clothes.

"She left these here, I'll bring them to her—"

"No, no, let me do it! I'm sure Sakura-chan will be less embarrassed if I do it." Naruto snatched the clothes from Deidara's grasp, completely missing the death glare.

Deidara spent several moments glaring at an oblivious Naruto before he gave in and turned on his heel, stalking off without a goodbye.

Deidara had better things to deal with, anyway. He was going to be making sure Sakura got enough sleep from now on, if he had to tire her out himself.

Sasuke and Naruto were left with only the echoes of Deidara's handmouths absently snapping their gum and a pile of Sakura's garments. Naruto knew she would be really angry if he went through them, but…

"…Hey, Sasuke, I wonder if Sakura-chan left her, you know…. in this pile of clothes…"

"Who cares? I doubt she did."

"But how do you know? Let's just check…"

"Do whatever you want."


"Dobe, your nose is bleeding."

"Sasuke… she left them."


"…Sasuke… this means that blonde girl was with her when she was, you know… not wearing any panties."


"Do you think they were, you know…?"


"I mean, that's kinda hot, right?"

"Dobe, that was a man."

"…What? No it…"


"Let's kill him."




A/N: Also, your PROMPT: Oh you know I'm gonna request my SakuLee. Bourbon chocolates! Awwww yeah I'm not even gonna pretend to apologize.