The neighborhood of Number 4, Privet Drive was a completely normal place. This particular night was a completely normal night. However, something completely abnormal was about to happen. A tall, old man in strange blue robes approached Number 4 through the shadows. In front of the house sat a cat with rectangular markings around its eyes. The cat had been sitting in front of the house all day. The old man pulled a lighter out of one of his many pockets. He then fished through his long silver beard and pulled something else out. Finally, he spoke.
He looked up. Where the cat had been sitting sat a witch in red robes.
"Damn, D. How you know it me?"
"What can I say, I got skillz, and you know this, bitch."
"Oh, you know Hargid. That foos always late for everything. While we waitin, help me smoke this blunt."
"Oh, shit!" Professor McGonagall got up from her spot and huddled close while he lit it up.
"Shotgun me!" He blew smoke into her face.
Choking, she hit her chest. "Yeah, thats the shit right there."
Dumbledore took another hit.
"Oh, shit, Mizzy. That your new grill you been talking about?"
"Sure is." She grinned, proudly displaying a hunk of gold, encrusted with diamond letters which read 'Magic.'
"Tru, tru." He passed the joint to her.
Suddenly, McGonagall froze. "Hush, shhh....you hear that?"
"It aint nothin, you trippin on that grass."
"For real, I hear something."
"You crushin that joint, foo. Give it back."
Before she could respond, something large and heavy fell right out of the sky next to them. It was a violently purple Cadillac with gold spinners.
"Haaaagriiiiddd!" squealed Mizzy.
"Yo, playa! How it be?" yelled Dumbledore.
A very large, bearded man stepped out of the car.
"Hey, D, calm down, son. We gotta be quiet."
"Ohhh..." Dumbledore lifted a finger to his lips and said, "Shhh...." Then he giggled. Mizzy giggled too. She handed the joint to Hagrid.
"H, smoke this shit. It's fuckin crazy."
"Oh, hellz yeah." He took a drag.
A few minutes later, they were all giggling, surrounded by a cloud of moonlit smoke.
Dumbledore stopped laughing suddenly. "Wait, wait. We here to do something...but I cant remember what."
"I know where we can get some liquor and hos." offered Hagrid.
"Naw, naw, we got something important to do." continued Dumbledore. "Dammit, I can't think with that baby crying. Where the hell is that coming from?"
"Oh yeah, the baby!" said Hagrid. He went to the Cadillac and returned with the bawling baby, wrapped in a blanket. "We supposed to leave Harry here to live at his aunt and uncle's hizzy."
"Oh, tru, tru." agreed Mizzy.
Dumbledore took the baby and walked up to Number 4. He set the baby down on the front steps gently. He then pulled out a sheet of parchment and a quill and began to write:
'Yo Mr. and Mrs. Dursley:
This here your nephew, Harry Potter. You his only blood kin now. His parents was killed by You-Know-Who tonight. Voldemort tried to kill Harry but Harry wasn't bout to have none of that shiznaz. We think Voldemort dead and shit but you never know with those crazy motherfuckers. Well, take care of him. I gotta go, its cold as a motherfucker out here.
Dumbledore pinned the note to Harry's blanket and met the others at the Cadillac.
"Well, Hagrid, how bout dem hos and dat liquor?" He swung an arm around Mizzy. "Let's go, bitch."
Hagrid chuckled. "Dem some crazy bitches." he said aloud to himself.
They crowded into the car. Hagrid crunk up the car and 50 cent blared from the radio.
"Oh, hell yeah!" screamed Mizzy. "Candy Shop! This our song, baby."
"Tru." said Dumbledore. They drove off in search of hos and liquor.