A/N: This is a little hard to understand so I'll explain. I didn't use very many descriptions, just conversational dialogue. If it is confusing to follow along, remember, the pattern is Casey, Derek, Casey, Derek, Casey, Derek and so on and so forth. I hope you enjoy. This was just so much fun to write! I do not own Life With Derek in any way, shape, or form.
Addressing the Problem
Derek and Casey are sitting on Casey's bed with a camera in front of them, recording what they have to say.
"Yo! Wazzzup my bros!"
"Derek please try to be serious for once in your life. This is important."
"Okay whatever, Casey. Let's just get this over with so I can get back to watching my hockey game. Wait, that reminds me. Why AM I here?"
"Because you are here to help me talk to these people. I can't do this alone."
"Okay let's get down to business here people. Now, Derek and I love reading your stories – in fact, we're fascinated by them, really we are. But there is one thing that is upsetting…"
"Okay! I think they get the point. Anyways, this 'thing' that we are talking about is something you all should be familiar with and that is, Dasey."
"I mean what the hell you guys!"
"Derek, be kind."
"Never!" Derek laughed evilly.
Casey rolled her eyes, "Derek! Anyways, we have read lots of your stories and we do love them but Dasey seems to be taking over our stories. Now, you guys are good writers but face it, there is a problem here."
"A major problem."
"Yes. See, Derek is my stepbrother and he has a girlfriend who he is happily dating at the moment."
"What do you mean 'well…?'"
"We had a fight."
"What did you do?"
"Hey! Why is it always my fault? Did you ever stop to think for a moment that maybe – just maybe – it's Sally's."
"No, can't say that I did."
"Well I didn't do anything. She just decided to not talk to me. Something about me blowing off dinner with her family which is totally NOT true! It isn't MY fault that the big game just happened to be broadcast that same night."
"Not a compliment. Anyways, back to Dasey. See, there's just too many reasons why it would never happen."
"She's a keener."
"She's too emotional."
"He's too cocky."
"Most girls see that as a good thing."
"What the heck?"
"I dunno, it rhymed with cad."
"You are so idiotic. Anyways, see, there's just way too many reasons why we could never be together."
"Yeah, like we'd rather gouge our eyeballs out than date or make-out or anything that you make us do in your stories."
"Yes, especially the whole clichéd thing of Max dumping me and Derek comforting me. If memory serves, Derek dumped ice cream on my head during my heartache."
"Notice the lack of comfort there. Also the whole bit where we are in the middle of a fight and we make-out. Now THAT is completely unrealistic."
"I'd rather cut my tongue out than have it down her throat."
"Thanks for that mental picture, Derek. But really guys, we'd never do that. Besides, I'd never kiss someone who doesn't brush their teeth."
"I brush my teeth!"
"That's not the point."
"Really now? Anyway, Derek is also a jerk. I never go for jerks."
"Then explain Max."
"Max wasn't a jerk. He was just…"
"You might as well be saying 'hi pot, my name's kettle and you're black too!'"
"Huh? Did you just call me a tea pot?"
"Technically I called you a kettle."
"Oh yeah? Well you're a…a…tea cup!"
"I'm not even going to respond to that comment. So see, we can't like each other because we hate each other."
"Despise each other."
"Loathe each other."
"I don't love you!"
"LOATHE, Derek – L-O-A-T-H-E. It means hate."
"Don't use your fancy-schamsy words on me, Princess!"
"Don't call me 'Princess.' I hate that."
"Really? Well I definitely won't be calling you that any more."
"Your sarcasm is not appreciated."
"Yeah well your face isn't appreciated."
"Mature, Derek, real mature."
"Anyways, can I like go now? I'm missing the game."
"No you may not. This is an emergency and we need to address it."
"Why can't you address it?"
"Because it's DASEY not CASEY. The D is there for a reason."
"But I don't want to be here!"
"Don't you even care that these people are writing about us being together, liking each other, kissing each other, making out with each other…having SEX with each other?"
"What now? Don't tell me you finally looked in a mirror."
"Mental image. And what do you mean by 'looked in a mirror.'"
"I just thought you finally noticed that mole growing on your neck."
"I don't have a mole!"
"Hey, with a face like this, I can't afford to not be."
"Derek, just focus on the real reason we're here."
"Right, the whole Dasey deal. Look guys, know you all know I love you but come on! Can't you write me with someone more suitable like…Angelina Jolie."
"Angelina Jolie? Are you serious?!?"
"Yes, yes I am. Why?"
"Don't you think you need to be with someone more suitable for you?"
"Sounds like you're just jealous, Princess."
"Number one, I am not jealous. Number two, don't call me that!"
"Whatever you say, Princess."
"Ugh! You're infuriating!"
"Thank you, thank you very much."
"So see, this is why I don't understand how you all can think that we'd ever possibly like each other. You all say we have feelings for each other and attraction but clearly, we don't."
"If I could make one person dead with my brain, it'd be you."
"That's from What Happens in Vegas! Running out of insults, are we?"
"Please, I could never run out of insults! I'm Derek Venturi!"
"Whatever you say. Anyways, guys, we're begging you…"
"Pleading with you!"
"To stop this Dasey epidemic."
"It's just not going to happen."
"So stop pretending it will."
"Because Casey and I don't like each other."
"Not one bit."
"Not at all."
"Not one little bit."
"Nope. Zip. Nada. Comprede?"
"And even if we did like each other, it wouldn't happen how you write it."
"Wait, what do you mean 'even if we did like each other?'"
"I'm just saying that if it was at all possible, which of course it isn't, it wouldn't happen the way they write it."
"Oh, and how do you think it will happen? If it was possible."
"I don't know. How would you want it to happen?"
"Well if it had to happen I'd want it to be something meaningful. No spontaneity. No random make-outs in the middle of fighting. That makes no sense."
"Right. It'd have to start out slowly and then develop into a relationship."
"Which would never happen."
"Unless we both had feelings for each other."
"And that's just ridiculous, right?"
"Of course! I mean, it's YOU!"
"Me? How do you know you're not the problem, Derek?"
"Wait…are we arguing over whose to blame at us not being together yet?"
"I…I think we are."
"Talk about weird."
"I mean, it's not like we want to like each other, right?"
"Of course not! I mean, why else would we treat each other the way we do?"
"I wouldn't be putting honey in your shampoo if I liked you or wanted to like…"
"YOU PUT HONEY IN MY SHAMPOO!?!?!"
"You are completely incorrigible."
"Can I watch my hockey game now?"
"Alright, just go!"
"Do you think they got the message?"
"I think so."
"Yeah. Enjoy your hockey game."
"Ever wonder why they think we like each other?"
"No, and I don't care. All I know is that they are crazy."
"Derek, they can hear you!"
"I don't care."
"Of course you don't. Alright, just go watch your game."
"How crazy would it be if they were actually right about us…liking each other?"
"I mean, what do they know!"
"I know! I mean, they don't know us!"
"Derek…it might be crazy but I…I think it's true."
"Casey, do you know what you're saying?"
"Of course I do! I'm saying I think…I think I like you."
"But it's crazy!"
"And…I think I like you too."