Disclaimer: I strongly suspect I am not Cassandra Clare.

Timeline: Post CoA.

Warnings: Slash. Magnus's hands.

Notes: Oh, jeez. What was I thinking?

"Let me begin by saying – I love you, and nothing will change that. You are sweet and wonderful and excellent company. Overall, I'm glad to have made your acquaintance." Pause for effect. "And I'm sure he is, too.

"That's right, I know!" Magnus said, relishing the look of surprise on the other's face. "I saw the whole thing, honey, and I don't approve. How long did you think you could hide this from me? I wasn't that drunk, I watched you fawn all over him last night." Lip curling in distaste, Magnus paced back and forth in front of the rain-spattered windows, contemplating the figure on the bed. "I've tolerated your little infidelities long enough, I think. Jace was one thing, but this – I cannot, in all good conscience, pretend this isn't going to affect our relationship. Ah! Don't speak!" he said, holding up a finger. Blue eyes narrowed. "And don't look at me like that, I am not the guilty party here.

"I'd like to say I can't believe you would do such a thing, but I'd rather not lie to myself, even if your past indiscretions have desensitized me a bit. I can't say I understand, though – why? Haven't I loved you enough?" Magnus stopped and took a deep breath. It would not do to get emotional.

"Now, we're both gentlemen, I'm sure we can solve this in a civilized manner. I propose that you leave the room whenever he's here, and I'll stop making you sleep on the couch. Maybe I'll even throw in some more cuddle time if you toe the line. So," Magnus said, crouching in front of his quarry, "do we have an agreement?" Green-gold eyes locked with blue in a high-stakes staring contest.

For a long moment, there was nothing but tense, competitive silence.

The quiet was shattered by a heavy sigh, originating from somewhere behind the warlock. "All right, I – I don't – please tell me this is a side effect from the near-drowning. Brain damage or something. This isn't really happening."

Reluctantly breaking eye contact with his opponent, Magnus straightened up. "This isn't over yet," he hissed, before turning around. "Excuse me?"

"Magnus, you're –" Alec faltered, as though he couldn't put his thoughts into words that weren't 'what the hell is wrong with you?', and raked his wet hair out of his eyes, looking completely floored. Floored… now there was a good idea, Magnus decided. "You're accusing your cat of being in a relationship with me."

"Yes, I am, and?" Magnus said, raising an eyebrow. "What's your side of the story?"

Alec opened his mouth, then closed it and shook his head. "Your cat," he repeated for emphasis.

Chairman Meow hopped off the mattress, stretched, and then trotted over to Alec and rubbed against his legs. He mewled plaintively a few times until the Shadowhunter picked him up and let him snuggle into his jacket.

"Obviously," Magnus said coolly, "it's a legitimate concern."

"Your cat," Alec said a third time. The feline in question started to purr.

"We've established that." His irritation had dulled as soon as he'd noticed Alec; nevertheless, Magnus jabbed a finger at him. "You – " he pointed to Chairman Meow, "– my cat."

"Okay. Um." Alec was really quite adorable when he didn't know how to tell Magnus he thought the warlock had lost his mind. That flooring thing was looking better and better. "I'm not attracted to your cat. Really. I don't know how to make it any clearer."

Magnus was about to concede, if only because Alec kept doing that thing where he caught his lower lip between his teeth and it was driving him crazy in all sorts of delicious ways, when Chairman Meow did the unthinkable – he leaned up, still purring like a motorboat, and started to lick Alec's jaw.

In two strides, Magnus was close enough to pluck his cat from Alec's arms. He lifted Chairman Meow to eye level and glared at him so ferociously that Alec actually stepped out of his line of sight. "Paws off the Shadowhunter, kitty. He's mine." With that magnanimous proclamation, he dropped the cat into the hallway and kicked the bedroom door shut.

Alec blinked, once, very slowly. "I guess brain damage is too much to ask?"

Magnus pushed him up against the wall and kissed him.

Caught by surprise, Alec made a small, displeased sound as their teeth clicked together – Magnus mumbled an apology that was promptly negated when he took advantage of Alec's open mouth and started fumbling with the zipper of his damp jacket. It wasn't raining inside; thus, he had no need for the jacket (Magnus actually felt this way about a lot of Alec's clothes, but Alec could hit awfully hard). The Shadowhunter wound his arms around Magnus's neck, pulled him closer and deepened the kiss, all anatomic limitations discarded.

It was, Magnus thought hazily, a far cry from how timid he'd been a few weeks ago.

They were eventually forced to break apart out of a mutual need for air. "You didn't really think I was cheating on you with the cat, did you?"

"Of course not. I just have a questionable definition of the word 'foreplay'." And he certainly wasn't jealous of the attention Alec gave his cat. Not a bit. "Want me to make it up to you?"

"Sure," Alec breathed, nails scraping uselessly against the wall. He was flushed and panting and trembling and easily the most beautiful thing Magnus had ever seen. "For starters, you could get your hand out of my pants."

"Oh?" If Alec was coherent enough to roll his eyes in exasperation like that, then he wasn't doing this correctly. Magnus curled his fingers, eliciting a shuddering gasp, and grinned ferally. "Let's not get carried away."

Outside the bedroom, Chairman Meow sat with his back to the door, licking his paw with the supreme disinterest only a cat could pull off. He was feeling very maligned. First, Sparkly One had yelled at him – and he hadn't even torn up any of his socks lately! – and then threw him out before he'd had the chance to be properly snuggled by Quiet One, who always had snuggles for him. Sparkly One could be so rude sometimes.

His ears twitched at the sound of something heavy hitting the floor, followed by a zipper coming undone, and followed still by a long, breathy moan. Chairman Meow whipped around, tail fluffing – he knew that voice! Was Sparkly One hurting Quiet One? Acting quickly, the cat stood up on his hind legs and placed his paws against the door, meowing loudly and frantically. If only he could eliminate the barrier between him and them and save the day!

"Oh, shut up!" Sparkly One hollered. Chairman Meow didn't understand the words, but the tone came across loud and clear. That was the way Sparkly One sounded when Chairman Meow made too much noise in the middle of the night. It was like he didn't know nighttime was playtime!

Insulted, the cat stuck his nose in the air and stalked off. Maybe he'd have to hack up a hairball or two in Sparkly One's shoes. That would teach him the most important lesson of all – never get between Chairman Meow and his snuggle-provider.

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