She is the one.... but I have a purpose.
She is the one... but I have to fight this.
She is the one... a villian I can't knock down.
Something was wrong.
As a seer of the future, it was not usually that difficult for me to deduce when something was going to result in a less than favorable outcome. In a way, it was a gift. I was able to know if I was doing the right thing, and if events were going to end in my favor. In fact, it was becoming more and more common for me to know the outcome of an event before knowing what the event even was.
Which is why I was currently left pondering and confused as to why Jasper (MY Jasper, as I commonly thought of him as), was to be seen packing a bag and speeding away into the woods.
There had been plenty of reasons for despair in recent weeks. Bella had been on the brink of death for so long that none in our family could focus on something else for an extending period of time. Then, all of the trouble (or possible trouble) with the wolf pack had developed. Jasper (my Jasper), had been tense and alert for days, not hunting, just pacing around the house, his military instincts making him restless and troubled.
But there was nothing to be despairing about now. Bella has been successfully changed. She and Edward now had a beautiful daughter, who has lightened our home and hearts overwhelmingly. Now that Jacob has imprinted on Renessme (a fact which still brought a quiver of annoyance to Edward), we have no further threat to expect from the wolf pack. My Jasper could ease up.
My Jasper hasn't eased up though. I know he is worried about Bella being a newborn, but even that seems like an empty worry. Bella has an unnatural control over herself and hardly seems to be any danger at all. I remember in my own newborn days, how I had killed the first humans that I had come into contact with. All of the others had had similiar trouble, except of course Carisle and Rosalie. I overheard Emmett and Rosalie talking the other day, and they seemed to think that Bella would soon have more control over her blood lust that Jasper did.
This angered me. Everyone considered Jasper to be the weakest link, the black sheep of the Cullen family. They thought that the only thing keeping Jasper on a vegeterian diet was me. But none of them had seen him when I first did, in that diner in Philadelphia. They didn't see how totured, how despaired he looked. And when Jasper slipped up, they weren't the ones who had to comfort him, tell him he was still cared for, and that his life wasn't worthless.
I did not mind doing any of those things. Comforting Jasper was not really a chore, it was more like my.. resposibility. It was my niche, my reason for being on this Earth. Jasper had helped me discover who I was, and in return, I helped him to learn that he was not a terrible person, just a person who had been in terrible circumstances. We had comforted eachother many times, for a variety of reasons. I was not dreading having to comfort him, only dreading seeing the pain he was likely in. I was also curious as to why he was in need of my comfort.
When I reach his bedroom door, I see he is now packing the bag that I saw him leaving with. He must have heard me coming, because he soon lifts his head. He does not look guiltly, like he has been caught doing something naughty. Without a doubt, he was expecting my coming and was now waiting for what I had to say.
"You're curious." Jasper noted out loud. "And concerned."
This was Jasper's gift. He read emotions, as you already know.
I folded my arms across my chest and looked up at his eyes. They were dark, even though we had hunted only two days ago. I frowned. This was not a good sign. His eyes only got dark like that when he was very upset about something. Maybe I had overlooked something... had he slipped? No, then his eyes would be red. Maybe he had come close to a slip... that would do it.
"You're leaving." I said curtly. If he was going to tell me what his gift showed him about me, I would do the same with my gift.
Jasper doesn't look at me, just stuffs an old pack of gunpowder into his bag. Its gunpowder that he's had since the War. Whenever I ask him why he keeps it around still, and takes it wherever he goes, he just shrugs. I think it is the only thing left of Jasper's human life. Maybe that's why he still has it.
"Aren't you going to tell me why?" Jasper should know by now that I am becoming annoyed.
"Don't you already know?" he asks in exhasperation, looking down at me with a tired expression. Us vampires don't sleep, but someone, Jasper still can sometimes look like he needs to close his eyes and rest. Sometimes he does.
I purse my lips at him and say nothing. "I know your leaving." I repeat slowly. "I just want you to tell me why."
He says nothing, fiddling with the strap of his bag,
"Did you... alomst slip?" I mumur quietly, hoping that my suspicsions are wrong.
Suddenly, Jasper throws the bag at the floor and glares at me venomously.
"Why is it," he snarls, "That whenever the opprotunity presents itself, everyone in this family thinks I've slipped? Am I really that weak?" He is pacing now, and rubbing one of his hands, which is clenched into a fist. He eyes our dresser and I step infront of it protectively. Jasper has a habit of breaking things when he gets mad, and this dresser is much too cute to be so cruelly destroyed.
"Well than. what is it?" I whisper, feeling ashamed that my faith in him was so little that I believed he had slipped. Or almost slipped. Whatever. They both meant the same to Jasper. "Whats wrong Jasper?" I stammer. His fists are shaking, and I reach a trembling rand out to place gently on his shoulder. Its the highest part of him I can reach without going onto my tip-toes. He remains quiet, and his eyes close. He looks so lost, so sad. I just want to hug him. "Just tell me." I plead, not bearing be able to see him in pain.
He does not open his eyes, and turns his back to me. Such a stubborn man I've got. I prepare for a more resilient form of manipulation, and am taken by surprise when he speaks in a gruff, hoarse tone.
"I'm feeling a... depression coming on and ... I need to get out before I poison everyone."
I should have guessed as much. Stupid, I'm so stupid. Why hadn't I thought of my Jasper's tendency towards depression, instead of debating whether of not he had slipped? Did I really have that little faith in his ability (or lack of) to control his bloodlust?
The last part of his confession made me especially sad. Since Jasper could influence emotions, it was always difficult for him to be angry, or sad, or depressed around us. He hated when he accidently made us feel his emotions. Above all else, Jasper hated losing control. In this way, his gift was also a curse. When Jasper got depressed, everyone in the house felt it, and no one wanted to go talk to him because it only made them feel worse. Recently, he had taken to leaving whenever he felt depressed, and dealing with it on his own. Only when he had gotten over it did he return, and none of us would mention it to him for fear of setting the depression off again.
I wondered why my Jasper got depressed so often. We all did. Carisle suspected that it had a lot to do with guilt and surpressed memories. Jasper's past had been darker then any of us could imagine. He was careful not to think about it when Edward was around. He made that mistake once when we first joined with the Cullens, and Edward had fallen to the ground in agony. Jasper's thoughts of his past had wounded him. This gift of Jasper's was too much of a curse at times. I hated seeing him alone. I hated it when he bottled his emotions, not wanting the others to know how he really felt.
"What set it off? Did something happen this morning?" I inquired. It did not take much to set Jasper off. Something as little and simple as a war movie could bother him, and other times he could sit through an entire documentary of the Civil War on the history channel without complaint.
Once again, he remained stubborn and refused to let me see his face. I knew that he did not want me to see him when he was this vulnerable. It made me want to smack him, the way he was always trying to protect me, even from himself. Stepping closer and lacing my hands around his waist, I plead quietly with him. "You can tell me, you know."
"Its just... me being stupid." he sighs moodily, still seeming annoyingly determined not to look me in the eye.
"Hey." I interupt his sulking. "You, mister, are not stupid." Softer now, I repeat myself. "Just tell me."
One of his hands reaches of to brush some of his long blonde hair out of his eyes. The hand comes down and slowly strokes my arm.
"Bella." he spits out finally. I can feel his muscles tense up at once.
'What?" I gasp at once. "Did she say something?" Sure, Bella was one of my best friends, and she was Edward's wife. I had been worried sick about her these past few weeks. But she also had a tendency to say things she shouldn't, and if she didn't know how sensitive my Jasper was. If she caused this... I would see do it at once that she understood.
"She was..... scared of me." he admits finally.
Aha. Bingo. I had seen the looks that Bella had given him when she had first been changed. They were the looks that everyone directed towards my Jasper. I know that it killed me everytime he saw one of Carisle's friends tense up when being introduced to him. Even worse, that damn power of his let him know just how scared people were of him. Some gift. I did not know exactly what to say to Jasper. "But everyone's scared of you Jazz!" sounded a little too insensitive, despite the fact that it was true.
So I just did my best to wring my arms tighter around him.
'She doesn't know you Jasper." I murmur crisply to him. At last, at long last, he turns to look at me. He drapes an arm over each of my shoulders and I lean carefully into him, my head barely grazing his chin. "She doesn't know what she's missing." He still makes not reaction. "You know, sometimes I really hate these gifts! Our lives could be so much easier without them!" I blurt out.
This gets a reaction.
"You would never give up seeing the future!" Jasper insists in astonishment.
"It'd be a small price to pay if Edward wouldn't be able to keep getting in people's head and you wouldn't have to sulk for every little thing for fear of getting everyone a little sad!" I retort. Then I feel ashamed. Maybe I shouldn't have been so dramatic in my phrasing; the last thing anyone needs is for his feelings to be hurt.
"I suppose I'm... overreacting." He whispers into my ear. I grin and pull him closer, relieved.
"Yes you are, you big dumbie." I playfully whack at one of his arms.
He smiles at me and strokes my face now. Then he lets out another sigh. "I don't think straight when you're not around."
"Good thing you never get tired of spending time with me!" I declare, laughing shortly and watching in delight as his eyes, slowly but surely, begin to fade back into a faint gold. Victory!
"You know," he goes on, a sly smile starting to creep onto his face.I know exactly what that grin means. And I like it. He pulls me closer still and angles my face to his. "THere is one thing in particular that I like to do when we spend time together."
"So I take it your not leaving?" I tease lightly, running my hands across his chest.
"Only if you're coming with me." He laughs, his eyes light, his smile fully seductive.
I bite my lip. "Edward is going to come bursting in here in six minutes."
"We'd better hurry up then. That's some gift of yours, glad we have it around."
He continues to smile that oh-so-charming smile of his and I sweep some of the hair out of his face as he lifts me into his arms.
She is the one... all that I wanted.
She is the one... and I will be haunted.
She is the one... this gift is my curse for now.
So, much happier than my other story right? If you haven't read it yet, read the incredibley depressing 'A Normal Day.' Very sad! I think that I'm going to continue writing Jasper/Alice stories, mainly of the Jasper centric, Jasper angst variety. So watch out! I'm thinking my next one is going to have something to do with the line in Breaking Dawn when Edward says that Jasper has gone to contemplate the meaning of his life. Hmmm..
A note on the music: Its called 'Gifts and Curses' and its by Yellowcard- give it a listen! Its written for the Spiderman 2 soundtrack, so its supposed to be about MJ and Peter Parker... but if you take out somethings it really works for Jasper/Alice.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Yellowcard song 'Gifts and Curses'
Happy Holidays everyone! And a very Happy New Year!
Reviews would be very appreciated!