A/N: And now the grand finale. In the play, Hamlet and Laertes make amends; not so between Luigi and Waluigi – it wouldn't fit their characters. I continue to make Ludwig less of a friend to Luigi than Horatio to Hamlet, and make Bowser more devoted to Peach than King Claudius, who didn't shed a tear when his queen drank the poison. I'd also like to note that my "Kremling Ale" was inspired by "Romulan Ale" from the Star Trek franchise. Finally, I changed and shortened the part before the fight, and redid almost the entire ending. I hope you enjoy it!
Act V. Scene ii.
"So, do you want to hear about my trip? I've been so preoccupied I haven't told you yet! Can you image?"
"Yes." Luigi may have cheered up greatly since that morning's scene in the graveyard, but Ludwig's mood was rather dark.
"Anyway, so after the pirates attacked, we had to make birth in southern Beanbean," began Luigi.
"I already knew zat," sighed Ludwig.
"Ah, but what you don't know is what I did while we were there! While the repair crews were fixing the ship, I snuck into Lemmy and Iggy's room, and found out what's-what."
"Really?" Ludwig had been curious about what had transpired on that ship to allow Luigi return. As much as he was growing to dislike the plumber, he was willing to put that behind him in the name of the truth.
"They were trafficking poison!" exclaimed Luigi. "Poison meant for me! But I took the bottle, and once the ship was out to sea, I poisoned the supplies with it, and jumped overboard. Fortunately there was another boat in port by the time I swam back to the shore, and I sailed for Toad Town," finished Luigi. "But I'm afraid Iggy and Lemmy won't be returning. I hope you're not upset: they did make love to this employment; their defeat, does by their own insinuation grow."
"Is zere any particular reason you keep svitching to Elizabethan English?" said Ludwig. "Is it for zee double-entendres? Because I, for vone do not appreciate zem."
"I am sorry, I should not speak ill of your dead brothers. I should know more than anyone how much that stings."
Ludwig smiled grimly. The ear-poison wasn't deadly to Dragon-Koopas, so his brothers hadn't become Luigi's latest victims. He wasn't about to share this knowledge with their would-be killer, however.
"Luigi!" Morton had just turned the corner, and was approaching the pair with a smile upon his face. "Welcome back! I didn't get to welcome you earlier – what with all the confusion and yelling and anger at the funeral. That was crazy, wasn't it? Anyway, things have calmed down now, haven't they? So, welcome back, Luigi!"
"Thanks," said Luigi without enthusiasm. Morton Koopa's cheery, talkative persona never meshed well with Luigi's quiet, antisocial temperament; he just hoped the Koopaling would leave them alone before long.
"King Dad, or King Bowser, as you would know him. Or perhaps King Koopa? Or Bowser? Or plain Koopa if you're at odds with him, as many are, unfortunately. However it gets pretty confusing after a while – most Koopas have the last name 'Koopa'. And then there's our messiah, Queen Koopa, who most call 'Koopa' – and you wouldn't want to mix her and King Dad up, no siree! You used to be able to call him 'Bowser Koopa, King of the Koopas', but now he's not just the King of the Koopas, but of everything else too! Well, not everything, but it's pretty close! Well, more like a third of the world, I guess, but that's still a big kingdom! BJ's named Bowser Koopa too, so if you wanna talk about Dad you might wanna call him 'Bowser Koopa Sr.', but BJ isn't a King, so perhaps 'King Bowser Koopa' is enough distinction? There's never been another King Bowser Koopa in history, so yes, I think that would be a sufficient way of addressing my father without fear of being misunderstood by anyone… Unless they don't know him at all, but you can hardly expect-"
"Get to the point already!" said Luigi exasperated by the Koopaling's babbling.
"King Dad has a message for you, Luigi. For Luigi Mario to be exact, and that is you! You don't have a middle name, do you, Luigi? Me neither, King Dad neither as well. Ludwig's is 'Von', most people think that's just an add-on to his last name, like Ludwig von Beethoven, but nope, Koopas don't do that. But they wanted him to me more like Beethoven, so they made 'Von' his middle name, Pretty sneaky, huh?"
"Oh yeah, you're parents are real fiends," nodded Luigi, "can I have my message now?"
"Lemmy's middle name is 'Alistor', for out great-great grandfather, Alistor Magripa – he was a great wizard," continued Morton, paying Luigi no mind. "Roy and Iggy don't have last names, but Roy sometimes puts down "Orbison" as a joke, and Iggy's full name is 'Ignatius', so that makes up for a lack-of-a-middle-name. Wendy's name starts with an 'O.' but if I tell you what it is, she'll kill me. Larry's like Iggy: his actual first name's 'Lawrence', and our parents thought that was posh enough that he didn't need a middle name. BJ and I have 'Jr.' in our names, so they're long enough that we don't have middle names. They never explained why Roy doesn't have a middle name, though. I think it's cuz-"
"I don't care! I just want the message!" screamed Luigi.
"Wow, testy. Fine then, have it your way. Waluigi has challenged you to a boxing match. The ring's been set-up in the throne room, and everyone's ready and waiting, if you'll accept his challenge..."
"I do!" said Luigi, murder in his voice.
"Great, I'll tell them you're on your way!" said Morton. He opened his mouth to say more, but Luigi's blood was running hot, and one look at his face told the talkative Koopaling it would be wiser to leave while the going's good.
Once he had retreated back around the corner, Luigi looked to Ludwig. "How can you stand him?"
"Years of practice: after a vile, you get pretty good at ignoring him – or risk constant migraines."
"I'll bet," snorted Luigi, setting off towards the throne room, following Morton's path.
"I don't sink zis is vise," said Ludwig. "Valuigi's von countless boxing tournaments, you von't stand a chance!"
"Don't worry, Ludwig: I've been practicing!" said Luigi confidently.
The Koopaling sighed in frustration. Luigi was irritating, but he'd rather not see Waluigi be handed an easy ego-boosting win. The Marios may have been irritating, but the Warios were insufferable.
They turned into the throne room to find it as Morton described. At the base of the steps leading up to the throne was a large boxing ring, within which stood Waluigi, already in his blue leather gloves. Luigi pulled out his trusty red gloves, and jumped up to face Waluigi. The people in the crowd – all Koopalings – cheered and applauded from their positions around the ring, where they sat in high chairs erected by Kammy. She had fabricated the entire set herself, and Bowser supposedly sent her away to get some rest. They both knew the real reason was so that she wouldn't be present to offer medical assistance to Luigi when he was felled by the ear-poison.
The King himself was sitting in his throne beside Peach, at eye-level with the ring. And at Luigi's appearance, he called out to the combatants. "Let's have nice, clean fight, now! As motivation, the first person to draw blood with a hit will have to drink this horrid Kremling Ale." Bowser held up a glass of green liquid, within which he had added a few drops of the ear-poison of the same colour. If Luigi drew blood first, he would have to drink the potion. If Waluigi landed the first bludgeoning punch, Luigi would die from the poisoned glove before his murderer could reach the edge of the ring: in the ensuing chaos, Waluigi's punitive drink would surely be forgotten by the audience, and Bowser would be free to dispose of the evidence. But now, to make sure no one would suspect foul play, Bowser took a small sip of the drink. He shuddered, "man, that's gross."
"C'mon, let's get on with tha fight!" jeered Waluigi, itching to begin.
Luigi swallowed hard, but got into a fighting stance all the same.
"And, begin!" roared Bowser.
"I can't watch!" said Peach, closing her eyes as the two humans circled around the ring. "Of all the sports they could have chosen, why'd it have to be one as barbaric as boxing!"
"At least it's not wrestling," said Bowser unhelpfully.
To everyone's surprise, Luigi landed the first blow. "Wah!" yelped Waluigi.
"There's no blood," said Morton from the sidelines. The other Koopalings nodded and pointed. Ludwig was standing beside Morton to keep a closer eye on the fight; Roy, Wendy, Larry and Bowser Jr. sat a little ways away. The rest of the castle was preparing for the immanent arrival of Prince Peasley, who was bringing his victorious army to thank Bowser for letting him cross Sarasaland in person. Being as fond of frivolities as Fawful, the king felt sending his guards to greet the Prince was good enough – he had more important things to deal with.
At Bowser's signal, the combatants resumed their struggle. "Luigi might win," he muttered as the plumber landed another hit.
"He's fat, and scant of breath," said Peach, the vile sport making her bitter.
"Only compared to the twig we lovingly call Waluigi. As for the heavy breathing, he's just scared," replied Bowser. "Luigi! Come drink your penalty drink!"
"It's only a bruise beneath the skin, he doesn't need ta drink," protested Waluigi, eager to finish Luigi off himself.
Bowser growled and slumped back in his throne, resting the glass on the arm. "You sound as if you want him to be sick to his stomach from that Kremling crap," said Peach, rolling her eyes. Or should it be "krap"? Peach smiled at her unvoiced joke, and took another look at the drink. Bowser's focus was on the fight: Waluigi was finally landing some hits and it wouldn't be long until he landed the fatal blow. Smiling once again, Peach decided to show Bowser that negative reinforcement was unnecessary, and she slowly reached for the cup.
With a cry, Waluigi socked Luigi in the mouth. Blood filled the plumber's mouth, and in his rage he lunged at Waluigi, who was busy cheering his 'victory' and wasn't expecting Luigi's sneak attack. The self-titled "green machine" turned Waluigi's arm on himself, and started pummeling the Wario until his own lips were split. "Stop hitting yourself!" cackled the plumber. "Stop hitting yourself! Stop- uugghhh!!!" Luigi fell back, beginning to feel the effects of the ear-poison.
"Nooo!" wailed Waluigi, wiping at his face, not realizing he was merely smearing more poison into his wounds. "Noooo!!! Nooooo!!!"
"What's going on?" "What's wrong with Luigi?" "Why's Waluigi so upset?" the onlookers cried out in confusion, as Ludwig leapt onto stage to tend to Luigi. Suddenly, Peach fell forwards in her chair with a moan.
"Peach!" yelped Bowser; then he saw the empty glass. "No," he whispered in horror.
"The drink – you poisoned it! It was you all along!" she gasped, tears filling her eyes.
"Peach! I- I didn't mean-"
"Murderer!" shrieked Luigi, pulling himself off the ground with the power of a Super Mushroom Ludwig had shoved down his throat. He sprang at Bowser, pulling out his sword as he flew through the air. Bowser didn't even look up; he was held prisoner by Peach's unseeing eyes. The king didn't even try to defend himself. Peach was dead because of him. There was nothing left for Bowser to live for.
Luigi's blade sliced through Bowser's neck. Copper blood spewed everywhere as the body slumped to the floor and the head rolled down the steps. The Koopalings were shouting blue murder, and only a gesture from Ludwig kept them from attacking Luigi. The eldest Koopaling's insides were burning with the knowledge he had enabled the final, bloody act with the Mushroom. He didn't offer assistance to Waluigi, and left the human to die as he jumped down beside his slain father.
Luigi looked up at Ludwig, his blood-strewn face contorted with pain and a sense of maniac accomplishment. "It had to be done. Tell the world that your father was the murderer. He killed Mario, he killed Peach. I don't know how, but he's killed me too."
"Valuigi's gloves vere drenched in ear-poison," explained Ludwig, gazing down at Luigi without pity.
A commotion was heard from outside the castle doors. "It must be Prince Peasley, back from Jewelry Land" Exclaimed Morton, looking up from Waluigi's twisted and lifeless body.
"Jewelry Land!? That war should never have happened. Ludwig, tell Peasley his mind had been affected by our treacherous former king. Tell him I discovered that information only after speaking to Fawful, for our conversation had made me curious. Tell him I then saved this kingdom form corruption – that I am a hero, and that Prince Peasley is the new heir! We owe him and the Sarasalanders under his command our very country for all that's been done. Tell him – tell everyone – what has transpired here. The rest is silence."
Ludwig looked around the room: six Koopalings would be the only surviving witnesses. He turned his eyes on Luigi and smiled cruelly. "I vill do no such sing."
"Do you sink I vould betray my family so lightly?" sneered Ludwig. "If so, you are mad." Luigi stared in horror, blood bubbling in his mouth as he lost the fight against the poison. As Luigi's head fell back against the stairs, Ludwig's unfeeling words was all he could hear. "Good night sveet plumber: and flights of stars sing zee to zy rest!"
"Good riddance!" spat Roy, to the roaring approval of his siblings.
At that moment, Prince Peasley and Fawful entered the hallway, escorted by Toad and Toadette, and accompanied by Donkey and Diddy Kong.
"Oh my! What's with that hideous platform?" said Peasley in disgust.
Fawful destroyed it with a blast from his headgear. "Rururu! Is that being better, Prince of Prissiness?"
Peasley turned a deeper shade of green as he watched Waluigi's flailing body fall through the air. The group then got a look at the throne. Toad screamed and fainted at the sight of the bloody corpses, and Toadette burst into tears over the dead queen. Peasely's attention was commanded by Bowser's decapitated body, "w- what has transpired here?"
"Valuigi poisoned Peach and Luigi, and inadvertently himself as vell," lied Ludwig, knowing that vilifying Waluigi was sure to win back the renegade Sarasalanders. "But before he died, Luigi killed zee King in a fit of rage. Our poor Fazzer vas so distraught about Peach zat he did not sink to defend himself." Ludwig held his head high, and embraced the future he had hoped would never come. "I am zee ruling monarch now."
"Oh, Your Majesty," said Peasley, bowing low. "Know that I am deeply sorry for your loss."
"And I'm afraid the bad news isn't over yet," grunted Donkey Kong. "Your brothers, Lemmy and Iggy have been murdered by King K. Rool. Their ship was adrift when the Kremlings attacked, but they had already plundered that vessel, so there was nothing left for them to take."
"Rool was angry that he had wasted his time, and took his anger out on your brothers," continued Diddy.
"From what we could tell," added DK, "the rest of the ship's crew had died of heart attacks shortly before the raid. It looked like the food was responsible…"
"Luigi poisoned it," said Ludwig darkly. He looked down at the body. "I hope he rots in zee Undervere."
"Amen," droned the Koopalings.
"Rururu," snickered Fawful, "a disgraced death for the Fink-Rat Green! I HAVE LOVE for this mustardy ENDING OF HAPPINESS!!"