A/N: Hey, my lovely readers! This is the very first chapter of my very first humour fic. And a shoutout to the amazing Sara (TheMaddHat), who beta'd it. And of course, the legendary Stephenie Meyer for writing this.
Disclaimer: I, AJ Tarver, writer of this fanfic, swear that I was not in the slightest bit involved the the original production or creation of the Twilight series. I disclaim all the rest of the chapters with this disclaimer as well.
"Hey Bella! Bell-uh! BELLA GET UP RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL FACE THE WRATH OF AN ALICE-STYLE MAKEOVER!" Alice yelled.
My eyes widened in horror and I sat up tiredly. "What Alice? I'm tired," I yawned and rolled over. Alice pulled me to my feet.
"We're going to play Truth or Dare! C'mon, get up and get dressed in these clothes before I make you dress in lingerie," Alice threatened. I leapt up off the bed and grabbed my blue tank top and Bermudas. I quickly brushed my teeth, showered and put on my clothes. I went downstairs where Alice pulled me towards the kitchen. She tossed me two granola bars and an apple. I quickly grabbed them and tore open the wrapper of a granola bar, munching happily. Alice dragged me out of the house and into the Porsche, ignoring my protests. She drove to her house at 120 miles an hour, barely noticing when I complained, but slowed down when I pointed out that the wind would mess up my hair. I love getting my own way. Sigh.
When we arrived at the Cullen's house, Emmett welcomed me with a hug that almost broke my bones. "BELLA! You agreed to come? I can't believe it! We're so totally going to have a blast!" He dragged me inside. I quickly ran over to Edward.
"You agreed?" he asked, disbelieving.
"She kidnapped me and threatened me with a makeover and lingerie," I explained. He laughed quietly.
"Real supportive Edward. I'm going to threaten you as well, if you don't stop laughing." Edward looked at me challengingly.
"With what?" he asked. I smiled sweetly.
"Can I borrow your cell phone?" I asked. Edward handed me his cell phone cautiously.
"Why?" he asked.
"I'm going to ask Jake if I can go over to his house," I said. Edward immediately snatched the cell phone back.
"Okay, fine, sorry, but you will NOT go over to that..." I cut him off. "Don't say, 'dog' or ELSE," I warned. He scowled but shut up. Damn the overprotective nature of my dear boyfriend.
"Okay, I'll start!" Alice said, bouncing up and down. "Bella, Truth or Dare?" she smirked at me.
"Uhh...dare?" I said uncertainly. She smirked. Oh damn.
"Bella, I dare you to call Mike." I sighed in relief. "And tell him you've broken up with Edward...and that you want to start a new relationship with him. And no Edward, you are not allowed to kill Mike," she added.
"Alice, you are so CRUEL. If I die I before this game ends, I'll come back and haunt you. And Edward, tell Charlie I'm sorry. And tell Renee..." Edward cut me off.
"I can assure you Bella, you won't die. But I don't have any objections to you haunting Alice..." I glared at her. I took out my cell phone and dialled Mike's number.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Bella?" Mike asked.
"Umm...yeah. Mike, I just wanted to tell you that...uh...I've broken up with Edward...And...Um...I was wondering if you wanted to...Uh...Start a new relationship with m-me," I stuttered.
"Of course, Sure! Want to go out with me on Saturday night?" he said excitedly. That was it. Edward totally lost it, grabbing the phone from my hand.
"Sorry, Mike, Bella will NOT be starting whatever relationship with YOU. She is MINE. Goodbye." He snapped the phone shut and crushed it into his hand. "EDWARD! That was MY phone!" I yelled at him. "Uhh...Sorry Bella...I'll buy you a new one..." he apologized."Okay anyway...Jasper, Truth or Dare?"
Jasper glared at me. "Dare, I'm not a coward," he said confidently.
"JASPER! YOU WILL REGRET THIS! SO WILL YOU BELLA!" Alice shrieked as she stomped outside. I smiled evilly.
"Well Jasper, your dare is to rip up all of Alice's clothes." A loud crash came from outside.
"What?" Jasper gasped. I smirked. Emmett was laughing. "A dare is a dare, Jazzy-boy," I said. Jasper stomped upstairs and started ripping Alice's expensive Gucci, Prada, Abercrombie, Hollister, Ralph Lauren, Louis Vuitton and god knows what other clothes. Alice was dry sobbing and screaming every time there was a ripping sound. Finally, he came down. Edward went up and checked. He came down, grinning.
"All shredded completely," he assured. Jasper glared at me, rushing to comfort Alice.
"Don't worry, this way you'll be able to go on a massive year-long shopping spree!" he was saying, while Alice was mumbling something about her 'precious...limited edition...the last one in the world...dress...' Finally, when Alice got over her hysterics, we returned to the game
"Rosalie, truth or dare?" she asked.
Rose looked up from her nails. "Dare," she said.
"Well, Rose, I dare you to fix Edward's Volvo till it can't go over seventy miles an hour." Rose looked ecstatic. Edward had his face in his hands and was mumbling something about, 'My beautiful car...seventy miles...' and started dry sobbing. Rosalie eventually recovered and Edward ran out of the house at vampire speed. I sighed and ran after him. Outside, Edward was crying over his Volvo, stroking it.
"Edward, aren't you overreacting a little?" I asked sceptically. Edward glared at me and continued sobbing over his precious Volvo. Eventually, I was watching an amusing scene of Edward snarling whenever Rosalie tried to touch the car. Finally, I got impatient. "Edward, if you don't let Rose fix your car, I'll lock all the windows in my house for a month," I snapped. That got him to stop crying and gave me time to drag him away from the car. Outside, Rosalie was happily tinkering away at Edward's Volvo. Five minutes later, Rose skipped inside.
"All done!" she announced proudly. "It won't go a single mile faster than seventy!" Edward started dry sobbing again. "Well Bella, Truth or Dare?" I chickened out this time.
"Have you ever kissed anyone other than Edward?" Rose asked. I went bright red.
"Well...I kissed John Michaels from high school on a dare...and Evan Dawes in a game of Spin the bottle in Arizona...and Jacob Black," I said. Edward started banging his head against the wall.
"Emmett, Truth or Dare?" I asked.
Emmett grinned. "Hell yes, dare of course!" I smiled.
"Emmett, I dare you to paint Rosalie's car hot pink with neon green stripes. And you no-one is to wash the paint off for a week," I said. Emmett turned to a furious Rose and pleaded, "Rosalie dear, forgive me!" and went off to find some paint. 10 minutes later, Emmett bounded in.
"All done!" He said. Rosalie shot outside. I heard screaming and sobbing outside.
"My car! My beautiful car!" she wailed. I sighed.
"What is it with you people and your cars?" I asked. Just then, Carlisle and Esme came in.
"We just happened to see Rosalie sobbing over her hot pink and neon green car. Do we get an explanation?" Esme asked, raising an eyebrow. Everyone pointed at me.
"Traitors," I muttered. "We were playing Truth or Dare," I explained. Carlisle grinned.
"Cool, can we join in?" We all nodded as Rosalie stormed in with Emmett at her side. I winced.
"Okay Edward, Truth or Dare?" Emmett asked.
"Dare," Edward said, not very confidently.
"Edward, your dare is to..." Emmett thought for a while. Then suddenly a huge grin broke out on his face. Edward turned even paler than usual. "Your dare is to..."