Disclaimer: Not Mine.
Fandom: Stargate: Atlantis
Characters: Elizabeth Weir, Teyla Emmagan, Rodney McKay, John Sheppard, Ronon Dex.
Rating: um... PG, for language?
Genre: gen, team, friendship, humor
Set: er... mid-season three?
Notes: This is a semi-sequel to .net/s/1890789/1/Hit_The_Road_Out_Of_Nowhere, an SG-1 fic I wrote a while back. It can be laid at the feet of , who demanded texts and silliness to break up her work day. Which meant that she got the following sentences, one at a time: "Teyla and Liz sitting in a tree. Treed by giant purple fuzzy lobsters. Liz blames Teyla, Teyla blames Shep, Shep blames Rodney. Meredith blames all of them."
Sadly, I didn't have time for the last one: Ronon just wants to know if they're good with BBQ sauce. Thanks go to A.j. for amusing commentary, and providing the boys' side. ps. worst title ever. but. bed.
Sitting in a Tree
by ALC Punk!
"You said they were docile," Elizabeth Weir said, her tone very accusatory. She was clinging rather tenaciously to the trunk of the tree she'd scrambled up less than a minute before, having rediscovered that, yes, she could climb trees. Blowing out a breath, she aimed it at the strands of hair floating in her face, and only succeeded in ruffling them.
From the other side of the trunk, comfortably ensconced on her own branch, Teyla Emmagan replied calmly, "They were, the last time I was here."
"Clearly, something's upset them."
Elizabeth blew out another breath in an effort to remove the hair. It failed, so she released the tree with one hand and reached up to shove the strands back from her face. Which put something sticky on her forehead. Sap, she identified with a dismal look at the stuff coating her hand and wrist. "I refuse to stay up here to be rescued."
"What would you suggest?" Teyla inquired, leaning around to look at her.
Having finally gotten her equilibrium back, Elizabeth leaned a little to the side and peered down through the branches to the base of the tree. "We could try shooting them, but there are too many. Do you have any grenades?"
"I was not expecting to need them," was Teyla's dry reply.
"Neither was I," Elizabeth pointed out. She shifted her gaze to her fellow tree-occupant, "But do you have any?"
"I regret to say that I allowed Cadman to have them earlier this morning."
"That's all right. I won't kill you."
"This time?" Teyla asked, eyebrow raising.
"This time," Elizabeth concurred, her lips stretching into a slight smile. Despite the sap in her hair and the giant, fuzzy, purple lobsters that had them cornered, she wasn't all that upset.
Funny, but it could have been that this simply wasn't the worst thing she'd ever faced. After all, the lobsters hadn't tried to suck their life energy, rape their brains, lock her in danky musty rooms blindfolded, or blow them up. Yet. And they didn't appear to have opposable thumbs, either. Shifting slightly on her branch, Elizabeth noticed that a soft breeze was beginning to flirt with the trees in the area. Good. It could dry the sweat on her brow. "Guns are pointless, and we have nothing to blow them up with. Got any ideas of your own?"
Teyla closed her eyes as the breeze reached them, and a smile flickered around her lips. "We could feed them our rations."
Her hand going to her belt, Elizabeth considered the foil-wrapped ration bars that were standard-issue at the SGC and Atlantis. She was pretty certain she'd eaten worse in the middle of the desert, however, and tried never to be caught where she had to eat them. It was quite possible the ones on her belt were the same ones she'd been issued before leaving for Atlantis. "We could try."
"We have little else to lose," Teyla replied, digging out two ration bars and handing one to Elizabeth.
Both women opened them and began pulling pieces off the bars. They had the consistency of cardboard and tasted worse. Shredding them was the least they could do, Elizabeth decided. Followed by dropping them on the lobsters below.
"I suppose if this doesn't work, we'll actually have to call Colonel Sheppard," Elizabeth said as the last of her bits fell to the grass below.
"Something is happening."
Taking Teyla's soft-voiced words as a warning, Elizabeth shifted to make sure she was stable on her branch. Then she peered downwards, not making a sound as she watched the lobsters sniff the air and move amongst themselves. The pack moved almost too fast to count, but Elizabeth thought there were more than twenty waiting for them.
As one, the pack suddenly stiffened and then began scrambling away from the tree and its occupants. Elizabeth watched them go with approval.
The tide of creatures receded to the west, away from them, and the gate. "Good thinking, Teyla."
"Thank you, Elizabeth."
With care, the two women climbed down from the tree and stood under it to orient themselves. Then Elizabeth reached up and clicked her radio, "Weir to Sheppard, do you read?"
"This is Sheppard, go ahead."
"We've just had an encounter with the local fauna, Colonel." Elizabeth informed him, "And they're rather less docile than Teyla believed."
"Well, no shit," Rodney McKay interrupted, his voice sarcastic.
"Doctor, we've noticed that." There was a pause, while Sheppard appeared to be thinking. And then he came back with, "I don't suppose you know how to get rid of them, Elizabeth?"
Trying hard not to laugh at the vision which suddenly presented itself of McKay, Sheppard and Dex clinging to a tree of their own, since that was the only reason she could think of for Sheppard to use that particularly charming tone, Elizabeth replied, "Have you treed, do they?"
"Now, what makes you think--"
"Yes, Elizabeth, they have us treed. Now, either you and Teyla are free, or you're both in the same predicament we are."
Giving up, Elizabeth laughed before replying, "Rodney, is that a request for rescue?"
"Please, Doctor Weir," interrupted Ronon, "Sheppard won't let me shoot McKay."
"Are you still to the east of the Stargate?"
"Yeah. Less than half a mile, you shouldn't be able to miss us, what with the large pile of purple under our tree," Sheppard confirmed.
"HURRY. OH GOD." Rodney sounded slightly panicked, "SHEPPARD. THEY'RE STARTING TO CLIMB."
"You're seeing things, Rodney."
"We'll be there shortly. Weir out." Elizabeth managed before she clicked off the radio and began to laugh harder.
Teyla joined her and both of them were racked with laughter for most of the walk towards where the rest of the members of their team were. As they got closer, it was easy to tell where they were: a large puddle of purple gleamed against the greens and browns of the trees.
"Do you think we have enough ration bars?"
"If we don't, the rest of them should," Teyla replied.
Wiping tears of laughter from her eyes, Elizabeth attempted to compose herself as they got closer. When they were close enough to just barely see into the tree that was surrounded, Elizabeth pulled the digital camera from its case and carefully took several pictures for posterity. Not to mention for livening up the science department the next time Rodney was incredibly rude to them.
Clicking her radio on, she said, "Sheppard, if you have any ration bars, I'd suggest you crumble them onto the lobsters beneath you."
"Just DO IT," McKay snapped.
She and Teyla moved closer, Teyla slightly ahead, a handful of crumbs in her hand.
It was a slightly ludicrous sight, but Elizabeth was certainly willing to let her be watchful--especially if it kept them from being treed again.
Movement from the base of the trees gave the appearance of a purple puddle slowly moving away from them.
"It's working," Sheppard reported.
Elizabeth paused to wait for them to climb down, taking several more photos that would be useful morale boosters at a later date.
"Glad that's over. Can we go now?" Rodney didn't wait for her to reply, he simply stomped off towards the Stargate, Ronon following him. Teyla gave Elizabeth another slight grin and fell into step behind the two men.
Colonel Sheppard eyed her as he got closer. "I figure, the only way you know that works..."
A smirk twisted his lips, and his eyes danced. "You got stuck in a tree, Elizabeth." He reached out and tugged on the sap-filled lock of hair.
"Colonel." Elizabeth reached up and retrieved her hair from his hand, tucking it behind her ear with far more dignity than it deserved, "One more suggestion, or any hint of mockery, and I will have you scrubbing the jumper bay with your toothbrush. For a month."
"So?" He started for the gate, sauntering slowly.
"I'll give Teyla your team, with Cadman to fill out the numbers."
"You wouldn't." He paused, squinting back at her, then added, "You would."
"All right. But if you go posting those pictures, I'll have no choice but to retaliate."
"I'm sure you think that now."
They dropped the subject as they reached the gate, and Elizabeth gestured to Rodney, "I'm surprised you're still here."
"Ronon thought it would be rude to strand you here. Now, I, on the other hand--"
"Colonel Sheppard has the only working GDO," Ronon interrupted.
"Dial the gate, Rodney," suggested Sheppard.
"You know, I finally remembered something," said Elizabeth, as they waited for the gate to coalesce. "There was a mission report from SG-1, a few years back. They ran into what Colonel O'Neill described as 'giant green furry lobsters'. Any thoughts on whether they might be related, Rodney?"
"Well," Teyla mused as the gate rushed open, "The Ancients seeded quite a few of my ancestors in this galaxy, perhaps they seeded the lobsters, as well."
"Oh, yes, because the Ancients thought it would be a good plan to transplant GIANT FURRY LOBSTERS from our galaxy to Pegasus!" snapped Rodney. He glared at Sheppard, "Can we go, now?"
"We're clear," reported Sheppard.
"Good." Rodney stalked up the steps and through the gate without waiting for orders.
Chuckling softly, Elizabeth followed him, letting Teyla, Ronon and Sheppard bring up the rear. If nothing else, this search for an Alpha Site was proving very amusing.