Part 1:

Abandonment Issues and Rose Bloody Tyler

That Doctor would be nothing without me.

I mean seriously, think about it rationally. Would you rather spend the majority of your time wandering a deserted beach somewhere with a bloke is quite arrogant and egocentric or with the same man only in a magnificent time machine? I make that man, I do.

And what thanks to I get? (Apart from a little inappropriate petting, that is) Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zplot.

He drags some bimbo human in me and they just make themselves at home. In their tiny little brains they somehow come to the conclusion that the Doctor is the magnificent one, not the bigger-on-the-inside ship that can take them anywhere and anytime in the universe. Half the time the Doctor doesn't even know where he's steering me. There's been a couple of occasions when he's been directing me into a bloody dwarf star and I've had to take drastic action to prevent us all from being horribly burned alive. Then when I land us on a lovely, quiet planet, everyone's all 'oooh Doctor, you're so clever, what a wonderful place to bring us' and he's all 'yeah I know I'm fantastic' and then he goes and makes this lovely quiet planet all perilous and life-threatening.

I get left for hours. Sometimes even days. Just standing in some back alley somewhere or in some stinky barn or in a breezy field. They never think twice about me. There's only so many times you can calculate the approximate size of the whole universe and all its parallel counterparts before you start contemplating shutting down altogether. Then they come racing back, thumping my doors and just bashing my console panel. It wouldn't hurt to be gentle, you know? And there's just no need for that bloody mallet.

And those… people he brings on board. Christ… y'know, they were never really that bad. I didn't mind them much before the Time War. Apart from that dozy Grace – you should have seen what she did to my wiring. A bloody chimp could have done a better job. Seems like when the Doctor realised he was the last of his kind he got desperate. I mean… the bloke has the run of all of space and time, but for some reason only known to him he keeps on going back to Earth! Humans! God I hate humans. Just once… even just for one trip he invites someone who isn't frigging human on board! He thinks they're so brilliant… gosh I can feel a rant coming on.

Rose. Rose bloody Tyler. I was gutted when the Doctor sent me off with her. That just says everything, doesn't it? He would happily leave me to fester on a street corner in London instead of giving me a noble demise and letting me blow up with him. But no, back off to the 2000s I go with a little blonde loudmouth rattling around inside. It wasn't like it was my fault. I didn't take us back. If I could talk I probably would have told her that but nooo; she starts bloody bashing me and being little miss drama queen. I was going to take us back, but after the way she went on then… pfft, sod that.

Then the cheeky little mare pulls open my console panel! To you lot that would be like someone pulling your pants down in the middle of the street! I was so shocked all my vortex energy went spilling everywhere. How embarrassing. And what was worse that girl absorbed it! Gosh, I swear if I had cheeks they would have been red. I just rushed us right back, mostly out of complete embarrassment. I have to admit I took a shine to her when she was out there disintegrating Daleks, and then when I realised that my energy was killing her, I thought of it as a bonus. Like 'yay no more silly humans', but then Doctor Fantastic comes shmoozing along with his absolutely cringeworthy chat up line. 'I think you need a Doctor?' Please.

So that kind of backfired. The Doctor carked it, which was a shame really. He hadn't been around very long and he was quite good at tightening my bolts. And the worst thing about that whole carry-on? They left behind Captain Jack.

Jesus he's good with a spanner.


A/N: I know this seems like major character bashing, but it's just a bit of fun. I always imagined the TARDIS being quite a grump if it could talk. Anyway, next part will most probably concern Doomsday. And stuff. :P