Part 5:

The Master Player and the Ultimate Headf**k

The Master. Well, if I'm perfectly honest I'm still a little touchy on the subject of him. I'm quite sure you'll understand why – taking that he turned me into a frigging paradox machine and everything. Do you have any idea how complicated things get when you become a paradox machine? You don't know whether you're coming or going. Usually you're coming and going at the same time! Bloody hectic it is. Painful too. I was ringing my bell like the bloody Hunchback and not a soul came to see if I was okay. Well yes they turned up eventually, but all Grimace did was comment on how sick I looked. Sick? I was beyond sick! I had practically given up on all these fruit cases!

It wasn't just the whole cannibalising thing that ticked me off. The Master has always had this thing of winding me up. That time he got some strange little human to look in the Eye of Harmony (that's the equivalent of watching someone taking their kit off in a changing room) and tried to steal the Doctor's lives. He was really sleazy back then. A right slime ball, both figuratively and literally. Got the best of him, though. Although he tasted a little bit like tomato soup that had been left for a couple of weeks…

Anyway, you imagine my surprise when he came bursting through my doors after I quite clearly remember digesting him. Well I was just absolutely speechless. He comes bumbling in, bleeding all over my floor, and then just casually does a spot of regeneration. Downright rude it was.

Although… well… I'm embarrassed to say it really, but he kind of… well… let's just say I wasn't too bothered about leaving the Doctor behind by the time we hit Earth again. The Master has a way with words, you see. And, well… I've always had a soft spot for him. He's the kind of person who you know you shouldn't listen to, who you know will end up screwing you over big time and will probably be the worst person you ever meet in your life but… oh what can I say? I'm weak.

So, listening to his whisperings and sweet nothings about never going to Earth again – never seeing humans ever again – I took him and his little blonde skank to the end of the universe. At the time I just thought they were going to do a spot of travelling. I didn't mind. It would be nice to have some new faces. Breath of fresh air if you will. Next thing I knew I was back on Earth (on the Valiant, so technically just in Earth's atmosphere, but that's just as bad really) and the Master was attacking me with a bloody drill. Frigging psycho.

So I was kind of spacey for a long time. Like I said, it's bloody confusing being a paradox machine. I'm pretty sure I was completely inside out and back to front for about three months. I'm also quite sure that for at least three hours I had turned into a toaster oven. Weird.

But then who comes to my rescue? None other than the dashing Captain Jack Harkness. And how did he do it? No sonic screwdrivers. No reversing of flows of any kinds. He did it with a frigging machine gun. And the Doctor makes it out that guns are so bloody bad.

Well that was a wonderful feeling, finally breaking out of that insanity. Kind of like running across a cornfield in a long flowy skirt and no knickers. Before the whole universe decided to implode because of the frigging Ultimate Headf**k the Master had put into play I decided to rewind everything back a year. It's fun doing that you know, just bashing rewind. I don't get to do it often. Well, that's a big stinking lie – I'm a sodding Time Machine! I do it all the time! What I mean is that I've never done it while standing in one place. I could have quite easily gotten everyone else aboard the Valiant to forget the whole year too; the torture and the agony of being held hostage for so long, and poor Martha could forget her year of walking the Earth. But sod that! Why the hell should they get to carry on in blissful ignorance while I bear all the scars? I'm not that nice.

So… back to normal. Much to my complete distress Jack buggered off again. I knew it would happen sooner or later, but it still hurt. And they didn't even take me to see him go… He didn't even say goodbye properly. Arsehole. So there I was, expecting everything to carry on as normal. Me, the Oncoming Gorm and Grimace.

But Grimace decided to stay behind! Two humans in a row declining to travel? Well I was ecstatic. And… if I'm completely honest… a bit offended. Why does no one want to travel in me anymore? Do I smell? Anyway, after the most painful goodbye in the whole history of cringeworthy goodbyes and when I was thinking that maybe Grimace wasn't actually going to leave at all (either that or try and snog the Doctor or something) off she popped, and off we popped. Glorious times.

Didn't take long before everything went tits up again though.

A/N: As you can probably tell the only Master stories I've seen are the TV Movie (lulz) and in series 3. And it's been a while since I've seen the end of series 3 so if anything is off then... meh lol. Thanks for the reviews everyone, and... no idea what the next chapter will be about. Daleks maybe? Anything anyone would like to see the TARDIS rant about? :P