Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip Series
Phineas and Peter
Fanfiction Summary: Well, like the title suggests, basically a series of episodes centering around the Family Guy Griffin family as they take a road trip around the world seeing the sights of the most famous TV shows, reality shows & sitcoms included, while Brian takes a world-wide trip with Frank Sinatra Jr. & Stewie promoting the wonders of classical music.
Episode Summary: And as you may have guess by the title, their first stop is in Danville, home of the infamous Phineas and Ferb! While Brian, Stewie, and Frank are busy preparing for their show, Phineas and Ferb are busy preparing for an upcoming talent show as "Phineas and the Ferb-Tones" (As seen in the P&F episode 'Flopz Star'). Meanwhile, Brian tries to help Isabella get the courage to ask Phineas out, with little results. And those plans are dashed even further when Peter causes an accident. But to whom? Plus, Stewie decides to help the boys out with their latest space project, and teach Candace a little lesson
Our story begins at the Griffin family. Everyone is relaxing, doing their own thing. Peter and Lois are upstairs, having sex, Chris & Meg are in their rooms, doing their homework, while Stewie & Brian are on the couch, watching mindless television.
"We now return to Harrison Ford Telling Random People He Wants His Family Back" The TV announcer said, as the television scene cut over to Harrison Ford running on a sidewalk, looking haggard and angry. He ran up to a guy and grabbed him by the shirt, and yelled "I want my family back!" to him, to which he responded "OK." He did this two more times, to an old lady, and then to a puppy.
"Brian, is this what our lives have come to?" Stewie asked, bored out of his mind. "I mean, watching crappy sitcoms starring old people who have become drunk over one hot chick?"
"I don't know. A lot of the shows have been crappy, lately. But I don't think it's something to fuss over. I mean, it's not like they're ex-terrorists staring us in the face, right?"
"Oh come on, dog. There's "Still Standing", "Full House", "Reba", tha-that one where that black guy moves into a rich home and drives all of his family insane."
"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?"
"Yes, that's the one.
Just at that moment, Peter & Lois came downstairs, with their hair completely messed up and their clothes inside out.
"Oh my god, Lois, that was great. We haven't had sex like that in years." Peter said, sighing heavily as he fixed his hair.
"I know, the way you managed around in there and still kept it nice and tidy was just unbelievable!" Lois exclaimed happily, also fixing her hair. "It was like the first time we've ever done it!"
"I know, wasn't it amazing!?" Peter exclaimed, this time with a sense of disapproval in his voice. His smile soon started faded, until it was a total frown. "Oh who the hell are we kidding, Lois!? Our sex is going plain again! The spark is gone!"
"No, no, Peter, that's not true. I meant it when I said you do well keeping it nice and tidy down there."
"Really. Look, maybe we've just gotten so used to Quahog that our sex is just getting dull. Maybe a trip out of Rhode Island is what we need."
"Yeah, yeah, that's all we need. See the sights, live the events, prank calling Jamie Lynn Spears while she's giving birth..."
"Wait, that was you!? The news reporters said it was Jodie Foster and George Wallas who did it."
"Nope. It was me. I just fooled everyone into thinking it was Foster and Wallas, just like I fooled the Brewery during the drug tests."
We cut to a very hyper Peter walking up to his boss's, Angela's desk, with bags under his eyes and holding a cigarette.
"Mr. Griffin, I have your drug tests in my hands," Angela said. "But I must say, I don't agree with them. I mean, here you are, looking like you haven't slept in four days, and you have a lit cigarette in your hand. Mr. Griffin, have you been doing cocaine?"
Peter stood in dead silence for a moment before finally responding. "Um...no? I had a fight with my wife and I've been fighting thoughts of stabbing her to death by chewing on cigarettes."
"So you have been smoking."
"I didn't say that."
"You're high on crack?"
"You're saying I've gained weight?"
"I didn't s-wait, what?"
"I need to go on a diet?"
"Since when did this become a weight discussion?"
"So you're saying I'm fat?"
And with that, Peter punched his boss out and threw his cigarette on her unconscious body. "If by fat, you mean irritating and douche-baggy-ish, then yes."
"Come on, Lois. I've had ideas for road trips for years, but couldn't pursue them because the kids were born and you suck at using birth control." Peter took Lois's hand as they went back upstairs to discuss road trip options, while Stewie & Brian stayed on the couch.
"Is that why Chris's middle name is 'dream-crusher'?" He asked after they were out of sight (A parody of American Dad, where Hayley's middle name is 'Dream Smasher')
"Oh yeah. Peter and Lois were going to go on a road trip to the Grand Canyon right around the time Lois got pregnant with him. The resulting lawsuit in a broken condom led to the purchase of this house."
"Oh joy. Another memory for the books. Pretty soon we'll be filing Meg's suicide in it. Oh well, it probably was good that they didn't go. It probably would've turned out to be a complete disaste. Like those therapy tapes he tried to make but didn't finish and had other guys finish them for him. Those are made to help people and would've been complete disasters if he had stayed on and finished them. Now they're just racist.
We cut to Peter watching a therapy video on racism.
"Good evening, and welcome to volume 1 of my 15 volume series of online therapy. My name is Dr. Ripscalab, and today's session deals with racism. If you're white, do you ridicule black people because of their different skin colors, or because of their religion. Or maybe it is because of the way they talk. Does this apply to you if you're black when it comes to white people? If you've answered yes to one of these questions, you might be a racist. But we can fix that. Now, look at this next joke."
The TV scene then switched over to a desk, where two black people were talking to a white person who worked at the bank to discuss their financial problems.
"Uh, this 401 case, IRA's, Roth IRA's, retirment funds, uh..." The bank accountant noticed the two black people, who were a couple, were snickering about something, but he didn't know what. "What is it?"
"AHHH! Ah ha, we just foolin' with you, man!" The black man said, laughing out loud like a gorilla.
"Yeah, we poor as sh#t!" His wife replied backing him up. And then the two continued laughing.
"Oh ho, retirement investment! Oh!"
"That ain't happening."
The scene switched the the therapist.
"And how did that joke make you feel?" He paused for a moment. "Before you answer, look at this joke."
The TV switched to another scene, which was basically the same joke as before, but this time, the accountant was black and the couple was white.
"Uh, this 401 case, IRA's, Roth IRA's, retirment funds, uh..." The bank accountant noticed the two white people, who were a couple, were snickering about something, but he didn't know what. "What is it?"
"AHHH! Ah ha, we just foolin' with you, man!" The white man said, laughing out loud like a hyeina.
"Yeah, we poor as sh#t!" His wife replied backing him up. And then the two continued laughing.
"Oh ho, retirement investment! Ho!"
"That ain't happening."
The TV once again switched to the therapist. "And how did that joke make you feel?" Another pause. "Are you learning something about yourself? Now before you answer, look at this joke." Once more, the scene switched to the same office scene, but with some guy in a black suit with a flower on his torso replacing the accountant, a lion replacing the man, and a guy in an Irish outfit playing all the instruments in a one-man band replacing the woman.
The one-man band guy started playing some horrible tune while the lion attacked and eventually mauled to death the guy in the dumb black suit.
"Well, if my calculations are correct, you have an erection, and regret that you never knew your great grandparents."
A/N: And that was the infamous 'Racism Therapy' sketch done on "Robot Chicken". It does not belong to me, and I take no credit for it. All the credit goes to the Robot Chicken crew for making it. I just thought it would fit the moment.
Just then, the phone rang, and Brian reached to answer it. "Griffin residence. Oh, hey Frank. Uh-huh. Yeah, he's here. Yeah, well, P-OK. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, I got you. Yeah, S-Yeah Stewie's here. Mmm-hmmm. Really? Really?" Brian's tone quickly turned happy. "Really? Wow, that's great. Hang on." He put his hand over the receiver. "Stewie, it's Frank on the phone. He's asking us to join him on a world music tour." Stewie's face went blank, unsure how to respond. Brian's expression grew dull. "We get to travel to all the famous towns and you get to sexually harass all the bitches you want." Still no response. "It's to raise money for finding a cure to Juvenile Diabetes." Again no response. "Our goal is to raise $10,000,000 by next year." Now, Stewie was growing angry.
"You know what, hell no. Hell no. IF you think I'm going to waste my time singing bloody show tunes with you and Frank, then forget it. Especially for other kids I don't even know. I'd rather spend my time looking at Lois's ass than singing with you...wait, that actually makes sense. I'd rather spend my valuable tim-"
"We get to keep 10% of the profits."
"10%-You mean to tell me if we make $10,00,000, we'll be swimming each in profits?"
"Wow, just think what we could do with that money!"
"I know." Brian then went back to the phone. "Uh-huh. Ok. I'll te-I'll tell him. Thanks." He hung up. "Oh boy this is great! A world tour! This is just the rush I've been looking for!"
"Yes, and with that kind of cash, you could move to the Tri-state area and kill yourself with style. Maybe a ten-gate."
"That was just an estimate, and assuming we reach our goal. We don't know how much we'll be able to keep. And that's not for the entire thing, it's profits based on how much we raise in each stop."
"Well even if it's just 5%, Brian, really, if we make $250G's in our first stop, that'two Carmen Lopez careers. And even if it's just $12,500, that's still a lot of money. Think of what we could do with that money. We could retire and buy our own condos. Or our own condoms."
That joke was enough to send Brian into a laughing fit. "AHAHAHA! Oh my god, that is so f#cking funny! Condoms? Whe-Where the hell did you come up with that!? Have you been watching Robot Chicken again!? HA!"
Now Stewie was really blown up and he got in Brian's face. "The only flaw in that show," He hissed as he grabbed him by the neck. "is it's damn fifteen minute run time!"
It seems today, that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old fashion values
ON which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy
Lucky there's a man who positivly can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and Cry
Chapter 1: Big, Big News
Later that same night, while everyone was eating their Chineese dinner, Brian decided to break the news to them. He tapped his wine glass several times with a spoon...until it cracked and spilled all over the table. That was enough to draw everyone's attention.
"Um, s-sorry, Lois. T-That was my mistake." Brian immediately said, not wanting to get yelled at. "Anyway, since I have your attention, I have an announcement to make."
"Whoa there, this isn't another one of those interventions, is it?" Peter asked.
Peter was sitting at the kitchen table, with his family, and friends standing beside him. He was wearing a foam cowboy hat, and apparently, has been, for the past eight months.
"Peter, you've been wearing that foam cowboy hat for eight months now." Lois pleaded to her husband. "Please, for your family, take it off."
"Hey, hey I can take this thing off anytime I want to. I just don't want to." He told his family. But it was no good, as they were soon after him in seconds. "Get away!"
"No, no, this is totally different. Frank invited Stewie and I to join him on a worldwide music tour."
"A music tour?" Asked Lois.
"Yeah. It's to raise money for a cure to Juvenile Diabetes."
"Oh that's great, Brian." Peter said in joy, though in reality he had absolutely no idea what Diabetes was. He believed it to be an STD. "See, Lois, there's hope. Now you won't have to worry about all that junk down there messing up you-"
"No, no, no, Peter, you moron. That's Gonorrhea. Diabetes is not an STD. It's an infection you get when your body isn't sensitive to insulin."
"Oh. Oh crap, you're serious? Ha, good thing, too. I once had this incident where I was a doctor and I had to diagnose this patient with Type II Diabetes, and I was thinking to myself "No way can this guy have Diabetes. He doesn't even have a vagina." Peter proceeded to start laughing again, until he saw the angry expressions of Lois and Meg, and then slowly began backing out of the room, and then eventually, took off out the door and into the streets.
"So...anyway, I was thinking, maybe you guy would like to join us."
"Well that sounds wonderful, Brian, but why?"
"Well, I overheard you guys talking about how you wanted more excitement in your marriage, and then Frank called with this offer, and I thought 'Why not'? I mean, it can't be worse than that time we all went to Sea World."
The entire Griffin family was gathered around the Whale exhibit of Sea World. They were all ready to see a wonderous show that the whales have prepared for them. One of the whales have even greeted Lois with one of his whale kisses. But Peter took this the wrong way and instead punched the whale's lights out, greatly upsetting Lois.
"And how long has this been going on!?" He called out, believing Lois was cheating on him with the whale...which would...pretty much be unethical.
"Or that time we went to the Carnival..."
A ferris wheel. It is supposed to be the most romantic ride of the entire fair. Unfortunately, for a combusted Peter (he's been lit on fire, in case you didn't know), it's just a painful road, and an embarrasing one for Brian, who was sitting right next to him.
"So what do you say? We'd be hitting all of the famous spots and some unfamous spots. You guys up for it?"
"Yeah!" Chris yelled.
"Totally!" Meg yelled.
"That'd be great!" Lois yelled.
Just at that moment, Peter came back into the room, slightly haggard and beaten, with a truck tire around his neck, and his shirt ripped down from the left to the right. "Hey, Lois, quick question. Do we have any tylenol?"
So the next day, the entire family began packing their things to leave on their exciting new trip. Brian, Frank, & Stewie would be riding in a big tour bus that had a picture of them performing at the Cabana Club, while the family would be going in their family sedan.
"OH boy, Brian, I can't tell you how much this means to me," Peter began, delighted as the rest of his family. "I mean, I thought the grand canyon was great, but this...this puts a whole new meaning to the word 'great'."
"My pleasure, Peter. And who knows, maybe it'll put the spark back in your marriage with Lois?"
"Now hang on a sec. I don't know what the hell Lois told you, but that is completely false. The spark's not gone. We still have the urge to bang each other, but the stuff...it just ain't coming out."
"No, I-I mean it. She is like, so damn how in that nightgown because it makes her butt seem larger than it really is, like Constance Marie, but I seem to get right in the middle of whamming my Oingo Boing in her Velvet Underground, and I back off, for like, no reason."
"And you find it appropriate to tell me this because..."
"Hey Peter!" Peter's name, Quagmire yelled to him, coming up from his house. "What's with the crappy bus? Goin' on a world tour?"
"Yeah, Brian's going on a music tour with the New Rat Pack to raise money to find a cure for Diabetes."
"Hey, that sounds like fun. And it's about damn time, too. I've banged too many chicks with dirty vaginas."
"No, Quagmire, you idiot-" Brian said. "Diabetes is a bl-"
"Hey, y'all!" Another one of Peter's neighbors, Cleveland, yelled, as he was coming up to them. "Ooh, nice tour bus. 'Children's Diabetes Foundation'. Wow, Brian, this is great. No more will us husbands will have to suffer the wrath of Diabetes infecting our wives' genetals."
Brian slapped his forehead in disgust. "Is everyone on this freakin' show a puppet?"
End of Chapter 1.
The Griffins begin their world-wide adventure to raise money for Diabetes! And their first stop is in Danville, the home of the infamous Phineas and Ferb!
Expected Update: January 11th