Why You Should Be Afraid of Konan and Pein: PURE CRACK. In which there is cross-dressing, men forced into wearing dresses, mistaken identities, and much, much more—all because of Konan and Pein.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. (The fangirls and unicorns and everything else that isn't canon is mine, too.)

Konan skimmed through a book lazily, resting her head on Pein's lap while he flipped through channels on the flat-screen TV on the opposite wall. They were bored almost to death. Konan sighed, throwing the book at a wall and picked up a magazine instead. She looked through it in mild interest; there were pictures of Itachi and Kisame (the magazine said they were a secret couple), Sasori and Deidara (it said they were in a love/hate relationship), and… Her and Pein!?

Her blue eyes narrowed, reading the article about Pein and herself. It was nothing very interesting, just some stuff about how they were the 'leaders' of Akatsuki, and that their relationship was kinda obvious… Not that they were trying to hide anything.

She began flipping through pages, ignoring the TV, and finally found some pictures of the Akatsuki, excluding her and Pein, wearing dresses. She raised the magazine to Pein's face, allowing enough space between the two objects so he could see it clearly. "Look at it," she said unnecessarily, smirking. "Do you think they have a secret cross-dressing fetish we don't know about?"

Pein made a disinterested noise, raising an eyebrow at the pictures. "Possibly, but these are obviously photo-shopped, Konan." In a more interested tone, he added, "I didn't know you looked at this kind of stuff, either."

"Neither did I," Konan replied dryly, lowering the magazine so she could see the images. "Hmm… What say you if we made these pictures real?" she asked, smirking, and a similar devilish smirk played on Pein's lips.

"Let's do it."

"Itachi-san, Sasori-san, wait!" Konan barked at the two Akatsuki members, halting them mid-step. They looked back at her, raising eyebrows in question. Konan hurried over to them, placing her hands on their shoulders. "Sasori-san, Itachi-san, have you ever wanted to see one of the other Akatsuki members cross-dress?"

Sasori blinked his chocolate-brown eyes in mild confusion. "I've always wondered what Deidara would look like wearing a dress," he said.

"Kisame's always been rather feminine," Itachi murmured.

Konan grinned. "Help me find them, and you'll find out."

Though the two men were rather confused, they obeyed; little did they know Pein walked over to Konan after they left, and both began cackling evilly…

"I won't come out, un!"

"I won't, either!"

Konan sighed in exasperation. "Come on, guys, you look great."

"I'm not a woman, un!" Deidara exclaimed indignantly in his stall (their bathrooms were kind of like public bathrooms, except cleaner.).

"Deidara, get the hell out here," Pein ordered sharply, and Deidara sulkily obeyed, dragging his feet on the ground. Sasori caught his breath; surprisingly, Deidara looked good in that…

Deidara wore a black gothic-lolita type dress, with dark frills on the ends. The sleeves were form-fitting, but once it reached the wrist, they flowed out, and ended in waved edges, almost covering his hands fully. The torso clung to his torso, but it looked good that way; as soon as it reached his hips, it kind of flowed out, and it made Konan wonder what it would look like if Deidara twirled. On his feet were black boots with a three-inch heel. He had several hairclips in his hair.

Sasori almost had a nosebleed, but caught himself before he could. He wasn't normally a perverted man, but the image made him wonder…

"You look beautiful, Dei-kun," Konan squealed, hugging the feminine-looking blond. He blushed faintly, not looking at Pein, who was glaring mildly at him. Konan released him, and barked, "Kisame, get out here or suffer the consequences, fish-boy!"

With a squeak, Kisame stepped out of his own stall, looking really embarrassed. Itachi's eye twitched; never again would he suggest Kisame wear a freakin' dress…

Kisame looked as though he were a bride for a wedding. 'Nuff said.

"Oh, dear gawd," Pein gasped, shielding his eyes. "CHANGE BACK AND SPARE US!"

Kisame grumbled, walking back into the stall, slamming the door after him.

Sasori shuddered, his calm façade broken. "I think I speak for everyone when I say never again," he said, and everyone nodded, trying to rid their minds of the image.

Deidara frowned. "Can I change back, un?"

"Nah, hold on." Konan rummaged through a bag, and pulled out purple clothes that looked suspiciously like another blond's. "Here, put this on," she said, handing it to Deidara. Deidara sighed, stepping back into his stall and obeyed; it wasn't like he had a choice.

However, he twitched. He twitched again. He twitched once more for good measure. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, UN?!"

"Oh, just put it on," Konan sang, smirking maliciously. No wonder she was part of the Akatsuki…! She truly was evil…

When he threw the door open with a disgruntled look on his face, Konan practically died and went to fangirl heaven. Yes, girls, he was wearing Ino's clothes! In Sasori's opinion, Deidara looked H-A-W-T.

Thank god the Akatsuki hideout was fangirl-proof, or Deidara's fangirls would have flooded the place.

"Fufufu…" Orochimaru smirked (when did he get here?!). "Come with me…" Orochimaru grabbed Deidara's arm, and without further ado, flew (yes, FLEW) out of the bathroom, carrying Deidara in his arms. Deidara made a mental note to ask Sasori to turn him into a puppet, so he could burn the body he was in. However, there were more important things to do…

"OH MY GOD, HELP ME, UN!" Deidara shrieked, unable to use his clay because he couldn't reach it, and his arms were immobilized, thanks to Orochimaru's tight hold on him.

Pein looked up with mild interest. "In this case, Orochimaru is still a pedophile…"

"How old is Deidara?" Itachi asked, because he hasn't said or thought anything in around fourteen paragraphs.

"Around eighteen or nineteen…"

Sasori shuddered; he felt like a freaking pedophile, now.

"We have to get Deidara-senpai back!" Tobi declared, though why he is here and Sasori is not dead, we will never know.

"Ugh, I hate DeiTobi," Konan and Itachi shuddered in unision, before looking at each other. Okay, we can understand why Konan doesn't like it (her personality is rather interesting, and this is a crack-fic), but Itachi? Yeah, we can't understand it at all.

"We need to save Deidara-senpai!" Tobi repeated in determination, snapping his fingers. A rainbow unicorn came, walking in the air like they were Santa's reindeer.

Everyone stared, except Tobi, who rushed forward to pet the unicorn. "We need something bigger," Tobi muttered, and, magically, the unicorn became a large magical bus!

Everyone continued staring, before Pein broke the silence. "We're just going to take the Akatsuki-mobile." Everyone except Tobi agreed whole-heartedly; no way were they going to go after Orochimaru and save Deidara in a gay magical rainbow bus!

BRM: And so ends chapter one…

Will Dei-kun ever be caught?

Will Tobi ever stop being so idiotic?

Will Orochimaru RAEP Deidara?!

Most of the answers will be revealed in chapter 2!