Evil Scumbags

Title: Evil Scumbags

Author: Smenzer

Rating: PG

Pairing: None

Genre: Comedy

Teaser: Luke goes out one night to eat at Galactic Burger and runs into an evil scumbag.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to George Lucas. This is just for fun.

"I think I'll eat at Galactic Burger tonight, if that's all right with you." Luke Skywalker said to his father that evening. "It's been a long time since I had a bantha burger and fries. It would be nice to get out and breath the evening air, too."

Luke was looking forward to the short walk to Galactic Burger, which was just five short blocks from Vader's castle on Coruscant. The streets would be bustling with traffic; there would be bright lights everywhere, noise from the evening crowds and lots of energy in the air. It was unlike anything he had experienced out in the desert of Tatooine and he wanted to savor the atmosphere. Although he spent a lot of time with his father, they never really could eat together due to Vader's breath mask.

The young Jedi looked hopefully at his father. "So, can I go? Please?"

"Very well, Luke." Vader replied after a moment of silence. The Sith Lord removed some credits from his belt and handed them to the younger man. "But you must promise me you'll be careful, Luke. Coruscant can be very different once the sun sinks and the lights come on. Although the stormtroopers patrol the streets, there are still many evil scumbags out there who may wish you harm. You need to be on constant guard."

"I will, I promise." Luke said as he pocketed the credits. "I won't be gone long."

The sun was setting as Luke left Vader's castle and made his way out onto the street. Pausing on the sidewalk, he admired the brilliant reds and golds in the evening sky that was visible between the numerous skyscrapers. A billion lights shone from the towers and it was breathtaking. Luke's stomach rumbled and he remembered his destination, so he set off down the crowded street. Although many wore the uniforms of the Empire, there were civilians in the crowd, too. Remembering his father's words, Luke kept a sharp eye out but no one seemed interested in him and he soon forgot the warning. Within a short time he reached his destination and went into Galactic Burger. Settling into a booth, he ordered a bantha burger, fries and a blue milk shake. As he was eating in the noisy, crowded restaurant, the weather outside changed as the wind picked up and the sky darkened with gray storm clouds.

Finishing his meal and handing the waitress his credits, Luke pushed open the door to have a gust of wind hit him in the face. His sandy hair was whipped back from his forehead and his black shirt rippled like a flag in the stiff breeze. Raising an arm in front of his eyes, he forced himself out onto the now almost deserted sidewalk. Bits of trash sailed through the air on the wind, an old sheet of parchment plastering itself to Luke's chest. The Jedi gripped it and pulled it off of himself, sending it back on its way. His eyes narrowed against specks of grit the wind carried, the Jedi leaned into the wind and started the walk home. Other objects whipped past, many traveling too fast for Luke to identify them. Unknown to the young man, one of the objects – an old plastic bag with handles – got tangled around his boot, the boot having passed through the bag's handle until it was caught around his ankle.

"I guess I should have checked the weather report first…" Luke muttered to himself as he struggled to walk just a half block, the wind howling through the narrow streets of Coruscant. "This is simply ridiculous!"

But to Luke's delight, the gusting wind quieted down after a few more minutes, his hair settling back down onto his forehead once again. Relief flooded his body and he sighed happily. "Boy, I'm glad that's over!"

Glancing around, it was then Luke noticed he was alone on the street. Although the buildings were still as brightly lit as before, the streets seemed darker now. The gaps between lit streetlights seemed blacker, more dangerous. Nervousness bubbled in the young man's stomach as Vader's words of warning suddenly flooded his mind again. He had expected to walk home amid the crowds, not alone. What if those evil scumbags were out there right now, waiting in the inky shadows between streetlights? His heart pounding faster, Luke took a nervous step forward and then another. A Jedi had to be brave and face danger…

Luke took a few more steps and paused, his heart hammering at a rapid pace now and a trickle of heat sliding down the center of his back. What had been that odd scraping sound? It had come from behind him. Turning sideways, Luke scanned the street behind himself but saw not a single soul.

"It was nothing, just my imagination…" Luke told himself bravely, hoping it was true.

Taking a deep breath to hopefully calm himself, Luke stepped forward again and the odd scraping sound floated to his ears once more. A spike of fear shot through his body at the sound and he peered over his shoulder. Had that been a flicker of movement over there, by that trash bin? Had an evil scumbag ducked out of sight? Was someone hiding in that doorway over there, waiting to rob him? Suddenly everything looked different now, hiding places everywhere. With held breath, Luke tried to penetrate the darkness with his eyes but it was useless, the shadows too deep.

"It's nothing…" Luke finally uttered as he once again turned to face the direction towards home. A welcoming streetlight gleamed about ten paces away and Luke aimed for it, walking rapidly. Of course, as soon as he started walking the noise was right back! It sounded just like someone scraping his or her shoe loudly against the pavement with each step. Someone was trailing him for sure! The person was clearly an experienced evil scumbag, for when he moved he heard their shoe scraping and when he stopped they stopped as well. Fear shot through his body as the truth dawned on him and Luke raced for the relative safety of the pool of light. Reaching it, he gripped the cool metal post and peered behind once more.

Nothing, just an empty street….

He was almost to the corner now. If he crossed the street, then only four blocks remained. Panting slightly, Luke darted across the street and hurried on towards the next pool of welcoming light that glowed up ahead. To his utter dismay, the evil scumbag was still hot on his heels as he could hear the shoe scraping loudly still just behind him. Using an extra burst of speed, Luke darted into the light just as another person reached it from the other direction.

"AAAAAAAhhhhhhhh!" Luke screamed as he saw the old man's ugly, wrinkled face inside the dark hood. His eyes appeared reddish as if he were a vampire. The shock of seeing the old man caused Luke to jump straight upward, one hand clinging to his chest.

"Ah, young Skywalker," the old man said as he stepped closer to Luke, leaning on a twisted cane. "How nice to see you. I have been meaning to speak to you about your future…"

Heart speeding wildly and nerves jumping, Luke took an uncertain step backward. "Who … who are you?"

"Why, Luke, you know me. I'm Emperor Palpatine." Palpatine replied with a gentle smile that revealed bad teeth. "It's a wonderful night, don't you agree?"

"You're not the Emperor!" Luke cried as he backed away another step.

"Of course I'm the Emperor!" Palpatine replied as he followed Luke, leaning heavily on his cane. "Your father works for me."

"The real Emperor wouldn't be out by himself!" Luke shouted as his blue eyes darted about wildly, searching for an escape route. "He'd have his Imperial Red Guards with him! And he wouldn't walk, either! He'd ride in a heavily armed air speeder! You're one of those evil scumbags my father warned me about!"

Palpatine's mouth dropped open in shock. "Now Skywalker, you listen to me! You're going to be my new apprentice!"

"No! Never!" Luke cried as he darted to the right, directly into a small café. Wild eyed and full of panic, he raced between the tables and dashed into the men's' room. The scraping sound was still with him but Palpatine had spooked him so badly he didn't even notice it now. Spotting a window, he hurried over to it and forced it open with the Force. Gripping the windowsill, he heaved himself up and dived through headfirst. As he kicked his legs to wiggle himself out, the plastic bag fell off his boot and landed on the checkered black-and-white floor.

"Skywalker!" Palpatine cried as he yanked the café's door open and waddled in as quickly as his old legs could go. "Drat Skywalker! His father never was this much trouble. What is wrong with that boy?"

Sensing that the young headstrong Jedi had ran into the bathroom, Palpatine hurried in that direction while ignoring the shocked looks of the various waitresses. Pulling open the bathroom door, he went in.


"Oh, Father, it was utterly horrible!" Luke wailed to Darth Vader a short time later in the safety of the castle. "One of those horrid evil scumbags approached me just as you said! He looked just like a corpse with red eyes and everything! Just looking at him was bad enough! You could tell he was up to no good! Worst, he was trying to impersonate the Emperor! I think he wanted to rob me or something, but I crawled out a bathroom window and got away!"

"Luke," Vader spoke calmly. "Why didn't you use your lightsaber to defend yourself?"

"Oh," Luke glanced down at his belt to see the silver handled weapon at his hip. "I forgot all about it…"

Vader groaned and hung onto his helmet.


Palpatine came hopping out of the men's room very unsteadily on one foot, his other leg waving itself in the air. Some brainless idiot had left a horribly sticky plastic bag in the bathroom, and now it had glued itself to his boot! "Drat plastic bag! Get off my foot! I, the Emperor, command you!"

The Sith Lord hopped a bit more, waved his arms about wildly, lost his balance and crashed into an empty table with a loud clatter, the chairs scattering in all directions. The table fell over sideways and pinned the Emperor beneath it. "Aahhhhh! Help! Help!"


OK, I hope that was funny. And I will try to update my profile once a week with my current writing projects.