Cereal Wars

Title: Cereal Wars

Author: Smenzer

Rating: PG

Pairing: None

Genre: Comedy

Teaser: Vader sends Luke to the store for cereal. Chaos results.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to George Lucas. This is just for fun.

"Luke," Darth Vader said to his son one day. "We are out of cereal. Could you go to the supermarket and get us a few boxes?"

"The supermarket? Sure, I could do that." The Jedi replied, smiling up at his father's black breath mask. "Can I take your air speeder? It's a bit far to walk."

"Of course, Luke." Vader replied as he handed over the keys to his black air speeder. The Sith Lord was a bit worried about Luke, as the young man seemed to somehow goof up the simplest things. But surely even he couldn't mess up cereal shopping, could he? At least Luke was an excellent driver and he need not worry about that. "Try to buy a healthy cereal, Luke, not something covered in sugar."

"All right." Luke said as he accepted the keys and left for the landing pad. He had never visited Coruscant's supermarket so he was very eager to see the contents of the huge sprawling building. He just hoped it wasn't so large that he'd get lost in the endless isles. Jumping into the speeder, Luke took off into the traffic lanes and maneuvered his way with ease until he arrived at the supermarket. It was a bit harder finding a parking space, but he did that too and soon he was passing through the building's automatic doors. Grabbing a floating grocery cart, he wondered up and down the isles until he found the boxes of cereal. Almost automatically his mind went blank.

"Wow!" Luke exclaimed as he stared dumbfounded at the endless variety of cereal. There seemed to be over a hundred different brands, styles and flavors. He didn't even know that so many different combinations were possible! The young Jedi ran a hand through his sandy hair, trying to remember what Vader had said he had wanted.

Unsure, Luke picked up one box at random and glanced at it. It had a nice holographic design on the front of outer space. "Space Crunch, the Breakfast of Heroes. That's odd, the Rebels gave me those medals and said I'm a hero, yet I never heard of this stuff…"

Luke put the box back onto the shelf and moved a bit further down the isle. Picking up another box, he studied it for a moment. There was a huge glowing moon rising up over tall fir trees on the box's front. "Drik Chiutatal, a thees healthy cereal, thees for the teeket."

Although Luke's Ewokese was a bit rusty, he was pretty sure it said that it was a 'good healthy cereal, good for the heart' and that it's name was 'happy moon'. But what was an Ewok cereal doing on Coruscant? Luke tried to read the ingredient list, but it was entirely in Ewokese. Still, he was somewhat sure Vader had requested a healthy cereal, hadn't he? Putting the box into his cart, Luke walked a bit further down the isle.

Almost instantly a cereal box prominently displayed at eye level caught his attention like a magnet. A dazzling red lightsaber glowed on the almost black box. Like magic, Luke's hands reached for it. To his delight, he realized the lightsaber magically swooshed from one side to the other side as he moved the box! "Wow! How do they make it do that?"

Holding the box, Luke quickly found out the cereal was called Mini Cocoa Death Stars and that with enough proofs of purchase; he could receive a free mini lightsaber in the mail! "Wow! A free mini lightsaber!"

Luke flipped the box over to the back and started reading the details on the offer.

"Excuse me." A voice said and Luke instantly stepped to one side without taking his eyes off the back of the box.

"Twenty boxes…" Luke said to no one in particular as he read the back of the box. "I need twenty boxes to get the mini lightsaber…"

Placing the box into his shopping cart, Luke looked up for the first time and recognized Prince Xizor, the Falleen Prince. With his unique topknot of hair he was easy to identify. To Luke's dismay, Xizor was grabbing a big armful of Mini Cocoa Death Stars cereal boxes and putting them into his cart. If he wasn't fast enough, the greedy Prince would take them all and then there wouldn't be any left for him! Not that Luke had ever eaten Mini Cocoa Death Stars cereal before. In fact, until a few moments ago he hadn't even known the cereal existed. But that cool mini lightsaber…

Luke hurried over to the shelf and started grabbing the black boxes with the red glowing lightsaber, piling them up in his arms. Due to the size of the boxes, he quickly realized he could only hold five boxes at a time. Hurrying to his cart, he dropped them in and went back for more.

But Prince Xizor was in his way, blocking the section as the alien took several more boxes off the shelf. Luke tapped his foot on the floor, impatiently as he waited. Finally Xizor moved to his own shopping cart and Luke hurried in front of the cereal section where Mini Cocoa Death Stars were shelved. He took five more and then used the Force to levitate the remaining boxes to his cart as well. As he dropped the cereal boxes into the cart, he could hear Xizor counting.

"Six, seven, eight … Lets see, I bought ten boxes last time and I have eight boxes here, so I need two more boxes." Xizor stated.

Luke snickered, a hand over his mouth. Clearly Xizor could only carry four boxes at a time while he had managed five. Feeling superior to the alien prince, Luke started counting his own boxes. "Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen… Heck, I'm short by three boxes!"

"Where are the Mini Cocoa Death Stars?" Xizor asked as he gawked at the empty space among the other cereals.

Luke frowned in dismay. He had really wanted that mini lightsaber, too, but there were no more cereal boxes left. And without twenty proofs of purchase he couldn't mail away for the offer.

Then his blue eyes landed on Prince Xizor's cart.

Luke's eyes shifted back to Xizor. The Prince was shoving other cereal boxes on the side and peering behind them for more Mini Cocoa Death Stars boxes. In fact, he seemed to be making a big mess, piling other brands onto the floor. He was so intent in his search that he wasn't looking what Luke was doing at all. Silently Luke lifted his hand and held it out towards Xizor's shopping cart. A box of cereal was lifted by the Force and floated right behind Xizor's back and landed in Luke's cart. Smiling at how easy it had been, Luke reached for a second box with the Force. Just as it was floating past Xizor, the Prince turned and saw it.

"That's my box!" Xizor yelled as he grabbed the box, pulling it back towards himself. "You have more than enough! Other people want Mini Cocoa Death Stars too!"

"But I need two more boxes!" Luke cried.

"I need two more boxes as well!" Xizor countered; unaware that Luke had already stolen one of them behind his back. "I want one of those lightsabers!"

Luke frowned in alarm as Xizor put the box back into his shopping cart. If only he could distract Xizor somehow. Luke frantically searched his brain for what he knew of the alien and suddenly remembered he competed with Vader for Palpatine's attention.

"LOOK!" Luke cried as loud as he could, a finger pointing. "It's Emperor Palpatine!"

"Where?" Xizor exclaimed as he spun around on his heel to look in the direction that the young Jedi had pointed, his long topknot of hair flying around. Facing the direction he was now, the alien couldn't see his shopping cart. "I don't see him…"

"By the green vegetables!" Luke added, remembering having passed them to get to the cereal isle. With lightning speed, Luke physically grabbed two boxes of Mini Cocoa Death Stars out of Xizor's cart and quickly placed them into his own cart. Turning his cart around, he dashed for the checkout isle as quickly as he could.


Darth Vader watched in amazement as his son carried in a stack of cereal boxes that was at least twice as tall as he was, the pile wobbling unsteadily and ready to collapse at any minute. The Sith Lord breathed loudly for several minutes, unsure what to think. Had Luke bought the entire cereal isle? It certainly looked like it.

"Did you get me any cereal, Luke?" Vader finally asked after his son had filled up the table's entire surface with boxes.

"Huh? Oh! Yes, I got you one. It's in here somewhere…" Luke stated as he started searching through the black boxes with glowing red lightsabers. "Aha! Here it is!"

Vader accepted the single box of cereal, looking at it uncertainly. "Drik Chiutatal… Luke, you do realize this is Ewok cereal."

"So? It's healthy, says so right on the box and you said you wanted healthy…" Luke said absentmindly as he carefully stacked the Mini Cocoa Death Stars cereal boxes into stacks of five, a beaming smile on his face. "Yes! I have exactly twenty boxes! Now I can send away for that free lightsaber!"

Hu-pah. Hu-pah. Hu-pah.

Darth Vader breathed loudly; sure he had misheard his son. "Luke, I didn't just hear you say you bought twenty boxes of cereal to get a free mini lightsaber, did you?"

"Umm… yeah?" Luke turned to look at his father, a slightly puzzled look on his face.

"Luke, you have a REAL lightsaber. That thing they're giving away is nothing but a little toy that lights up thanks to a battery." Vader informed him. "Besides, I could have gotten you one without the proofs of purchase, as Palpatine owns that cereal company."

"Oh…" Luke replied as he glanced at his boxes of cereal. The young Jedi was silent for a few moments and then turned to his father. "Do you have a pair of scissors?"

Vader moaned. Once Luke started eating that chocolate-coated cereal he'd be a real handful. And what did he get stuck with - grains, bits of dried fruit, dried grubs and mashed mealworms. Uggh. That is the absolute last time he's sending Luke to the supermarket!


Author's Note: The 'hu-pah' is Darth Vader's breathing noises. And a special thanks to my friend Katie who gave me the Star Wars Galactic Phrase Book & Travel Guide – it's where all the alien words came from.