Miss Mary Sue

Disclaimer: HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT? I don't own Kingdom Hearts. But unfortunately, Mary Sue is mine.

A/N: Well, guys, here it is: the first chapter of the redone tale of Miss Mary Sue. I'm taking down the old chapters and totally replacing them with the new ones (so you'll get email alerts when I update if you so choose).

Chapter 1- Meet Mary Sue

At some point in one's life, we've all run into the wonderful world of fanfiction. And don't you try and contradict me, because if you haven't, you wouldn't be staring at your computer screen and reading this right now. And what a wonderful world fanfiction is; young writers trying their hands at storytelling. And every once in a while, and amazing story comes along that makes you say, "Oh my God, I wish that author would rub some awesomeness off on to me so I can hope to be just as awesome as them some day."

But wherever there's great, there's the not so great to counteract it. And then, there's the "so bad it makes your eyes bleed" kind of bad. And on this level, aside from the fics overrun with bad grammar, out character-ness, and a billion and seven clichés that have been done a billion and seventeen times, we have something that strikes fear into the hearts of readers and writers alike.

You've probably seen it and some point, too. Maybe you've even done it yourself without realizing it (because let's face it, we all do at some point). Maybe you've read it and slammed your head into your desk so hard your mother felt it.

And this thing, is a simple, two-word term: Mary Sue.

Now what is a Mary Sue, you may ask? Well, they are those characters that are gorgeous, ultra-powerful, have every member of the opposite sex in love with them (usually the author's favorite character), can do no wrong, stop global warming, find Waldo, and occasionally, are the author themselves. In other words, a character whom is perfect (and annoying) in every possible way. And they are found in almost every fandom with "sexy kawaii desu bishie boyz!11!", and occasionally, canon, as seen in Twilight.

Before proceeding with this story, I must give you a fair warning. The story that is about to unfold before you is one of true horror. I suggest you do not read on if you are prone to headaches because of stupidity of others, bleeding eyes, or fainting.

You have been warned.

I've been having these weird thoughts lately. Like, is any of this for real?

(Cue dramatic pause.)

Or not?

After stealing the horribly familiar opening lines of a certain spiky-haired protagonist, a pale-skinned (yet it seemed to sparkle when light hit it) girl whose hair was streaked with every color of the rainbow, some colors that hadn't been discovered yet, and some colors that were beyond the visible spectrum and were only visible to some insects felt herself falling. And that disturbed her, because she was normally able to fly with the single, white, feathery wing that protruded from her back.

However, instead of falling to the ground and becoming a rainbow pancake like you all would have hoped, she somehow managed to gracefully land on her feet. The golden crown that rested on the top of her head had somehow not fallen off, despite the fact that she was falling head-first.

She brushed herself off. Her outfit consisted of a bright pink, sparkly top that really didn't cover too much more than your average sports bra would, a white miniskirt that went an eighth of the way down her thighs, and a pair of stylish combat boots.

"You are the chosen one- crap, wrong kid. Damn, how hard can it be to send me some kid with spiky brown hair and ridiculous clown shoes?"

"Who are you?" our mysterious, beautiful main character exclaimed in her perfect, musical voice, trying to find the owner of the random disembodied voice. "I don't want what you're selling!"

"Relax, I gave up trying to sell auto insurance when that silver-haired kid came here and was all, 'I'm too young to drive!'" the disembodied voice sighed. "Well, now that you're here, you have a great destiny set out in front of you and blah blah blah."

"What do you mean!" our nameless main character asked desperately, sparkling nervously. Her ocean blue eyes suddenly changed to purple with her confusion. You see, mood rings are so three paragraphs ago. Who needs those when you have color-changing eyes?

"Hell, I don't even know. I'm just reading off a script."

"Oh, really? Aren't you supposed to hand me a weapon and tell me what time of day my adventure will begin? After all," she stopped, struck a heroic pose, and blew a kiss. "I'm the main character."

"Actually, we ran out of weapons. But you can have this complimentary rubber ducky."

At that moment, a yellow rubber ducky materialized on the floor. Picking up, our sparkly hero noticed what she was standing on. It was a large, glass platform that would seem sickeningly familiar to anyone whose played the first game in this series. However, pictures of impossibly perfect girls decorated the floor instead of various Disney princesses. There was a also picture of a sparkly dude that looked a bit like Cedric Diggory and whiny girl clinging off his arm.

"Now shoo, get out! I have an acupuncture appointment."

"But, I still have questions! I haven't even told the audience what my name is!" she tossed a strand of her hair over her shoulder, which was rather impressive, considering it went well past her waist. "Well, I don't care whether you give me permission or not. My name is Mary Sunlight Ramen Dawn Moonbeam Starlight Shimmer Heaven Earth Coffee Starbucks-"

"That's it, I can't take you anymore. Get out!"

The sparkly girl woke up in the back of her moving van. She must have fallen asleep, she noted. Inside the truck, all her belongings were packed into cardboard boxes, except the furniture, which was just used to hold some of the boxes. She decided to ride with her furniture to protect her hot pink items from any damage.

Our heroine was moving from a magical place called Mary Sue's School for Mary Sue Magic People, which was basically a Sues' equal to Hogwarts, to a little place called the Destiny Islands. And this was big news, because usually, the only people that moved to these islands fell out of the sky during meteor storms or randomly washed up on the beach.

When she finally felt the truck come to a halt and the doors opened, the poor movers who opened the door suffered massive nosebleeds just looking at her (or rather, what her clothes didn't cover), and passed out from the loss.

"Would you guys like, mind not getting blood all over my new driveway?" she giggled. "Silly boys, always spurting blood from their nostrils when they see me."

One of the few movers who hadn't had a nosebleed when he saw her rolled his eyes. Our rainbow-haired hero was glad he didn't, because he was over thirty, hadn't shaved that morning, and could afford to lose a few pounds. Then there was the fact that he elegantly scratched his butt before yawning and speaking to her.

"…You want helping bringing this stuff in, Miss…er…I didn't catch your name."

"My name? Oh, that's simple! It's Mary Sunlight Ramen Dawn Moonbeam Starlight Shimmer Heaven Earth Coffee Starbucks-"

"Can I get a nickname?" the man interrupted.

"Oh, it's Mary Sue!" she giggled, hoping out of the truck. Her new condo must've cost a fortune, because it had an amazing view of the sparkling, blue ocean. Off in the distance, there was a smaller island, and Mary Sue made a mental note to make a dramatic entrance there later, because her plot advancement senses were tingling.

How did she afford all of this, you may ask? Well, her parents had lots of money. Or something like that. People just can't be rich for no reason anymore without being questioned, can they?

"…Alright, Mary Sue. Do you need my help?" the mover asked.

"Of course not, Jonathan," Mary Sue replied. She snapped her fingers, and all of sudden, the moving truck was emptied, her condo was not only furnished but painted hot pink, a unicorn was now roaming around outside, the movers' blood was restored, Jonathan's face was shaved, and she now had a cup of Starbucks coffee.

"That was disturbing," Jonathan the mover blinked. "And how did you know my name?"

Mary Sue sipped her coffee wand waved her hands around. "I used my SUPAH AMAZIN POWAHS to read your mind!"

"…As long as it's something normal," Jonathan sighed. However, they both failed to noticed that Jonathan had a nametag on. However, reading nametags just isn't as awesome as reading minds.

"You may go now," Mary Sue dismissed.

Jonathan, whom had about enough of this, as I'm sure all of you have, wasn't about to argue. He and the other movers, who had been busy cleaning blood off their faces this entire time, went back into the trucks and drove off into the sunset…or midday sun, whichever sounds more dramatic.

"Now that I'm all alone," Mary Sue said, "I must advance the plot!"

And so, being a good little character, Mary Sue went off to go advance the plot in the most amazing (and clichéd) way she could possibly think of: she flew down to the beach and launched herself into the ocean.

Now, we all know full well that the only decent way to start off a Kingdom Hearts fanfic is to have the main character suddenly wash up on the beach. Well, only after they have their "Dive into the Heart/Speaking to Mister Creepy Disembodied Voice" experience. And Mary Sue intended to stick to this cliché- er, guideline.

And so, she pretended to be unconscious as she waterbent the waves to push her towards the little island. When she finally got there, she lay on the sand, perfectly still, waiting for someone to notice her. Why it took the children on the island fifteen minutes to notice a sparkling teenage girl with one wing laying on their beach is beyond me.

A teenage boy with spiky brown hair, big blue eyes, a silver crown necklace, and large yellow shoes that resembled something a clown would wear finally ran over to her. Now, any fan of the series would recognize him as Sora, the hero of the story. But, this isn't his story anymore. Nope, Mary Sue kindly stole that position.

"Wait a minute," Sora said, kneeling down next to Mary Sue. Her face was covered by her hair, but she smirked. "What do we have here?"

"HEY, KAIRI!" he yelled suddenly. He pulled something sticking out of the back of Mary Sue's skirt that felt slimy and wet. "I FOUND THAT FISH YOU WERE LOOKING FOR! WHERE'D YOU SAY THOSE MUSHROOMS WERE?"

Sora is also known for not being the smartest protagonist to ever save the universe from certain destruction. And at this, Mary Sue picked up her head slightly and slammed it back into the sand.

And thus, the tale of Mary Sue began- with Sora pulling a fish out of her skirt.

A/N: Because we all know the real way to get to the Destiny Islands is randomly washing up on the beach one day.

Review, please?