Thing's I'll Never Say
"What do you got for me Abby?" Gibbs asks, walking into my lab.
One hand immediately starts pulling at my pigtails and then the other pulls at my shirt. I don't have anything for him, but I want him to stay for good.
A broken heart I think, taking a long deep breath as he stands against me. I wonder if he can hear how shallow my breathing is, how fast my heart is beating. I can't find the words so I sign;
'Nothing useful' Gibbs frowns and stars at me. 'Sorry Gibbs' I feel the tears beating at the back of my eyes, I hate letting him down. 'I let you down'
'No' he signs back 'I didn't give you much' I smile and open my mouth to say 'I love you' but it doesn't come out. "What Abby?" he asks.
"Nothing Gibbs… nothing" I lie and turn back around to my computer, desperately trying to locate where this call came from. He leans over and kisses my cheek. My heart stops and my stomach flips into my throat, normally he kisses me when I find something good, not when I find nothing at all.
"I'll find something, Gibbs…" I promise him as he lays the Caf-POW! on my right and leaves.
I drive past Gibbs house on my way home as I do every night but this time I stop and stare. I've been planning to tell Gibbs I'm in love with him for the past three months, but the words never come out. Half the time I'm around Gibbs, I have trouble speaking so I have to sign to him. I wish I could suck it up and tell him. Even if he doesn't feel the same, I should just come out with it.
Three different times I've planned on leaving NCIS before Gibbs so I could get to his house, cook him a nice meal and tellhim, but when I go to leave I chicken out. Like Always.
I wish I could just… admit it to him. Every time I hug him, I wonder if I'm squeezing him too tight, but he never says anything. I want him to marry me; to get down on one knee and say it. I love Gibbs… too much for my own good.
I'm always comparing other guys to Gibbs, which I should probably stop doing. I'll never get to really date another guy and be happy. I'll just waste this fabulous body, waiting for Gibbs and the things I'll never say.
I grown and pull into his driveway. I can't help but think what his neighbors think of the 'freak in the hearse'. I get out and go to his door. I knock and wait.
"Gibbs" I call out, hoping he answers. I wait for a moment then knock again, but he doesn't answer. I know the doorbell doesn't work so I don't bother. I knock harder and wait.
After a minute, he doesn't answer so I got back to my hearse and open the door when a hand is place on my shoulder. I grab the hand and turn around. It's Gibbs.
"Abby, what are you doing here?" He asks. I haven't let go of his hand and I don't plan to.
"I um…" I start. "I just need someone to keep me company" my voice gets caught in my throat. 'I don't want to be alone' I sign the end.
"Oh… um" he says and quickly looks back at this car. I can see Colonel Mann.
"Oh um…" my voice shakes a bit. "I'll just go" my voice breaks and I turn around, reluctantly letting go of his hand.
"Abby…" he says, grabbing my hand. "I can drop her off at her house and come back if you want" I can't speak so I sign;
'It's okay Gibbs… I'll just call Ziva or McGee' I smile weakly. 'Or get so drunk I don't know who I am anymore...' I climb in my hearse before he can grab my hand or see the tears forming.
"I'll pull out so you can get out" he says sadly and oddly. I nod and watch him as he leaves to get in his car. I can see him explain this to her and then I see her kiss his cheek. I start crying as he pulls out to give me room and then waves. I pull out and see that he notices my tears, and she does too. I ignore my phone when it rings four times on my drive home.
When I pull in my driveway, I wipe my tears away and turn my engine off. I pull out my phone; Gibbs has left two messages and two texts.
Why aren't you answering? Why were you crying? Reads the first.
Abs, what did I do? The second one says. I shake my head.
"You have no idea" I sob out. I control my crying after a view minutes and call Ziva. She's the only one I've told about my feelings for Gibbs, but I'm sure everyone, except Gibb, knows because it's obvious and Gibbs is clueless.
"Hello?" she says.
"Ziva---"my voice cracks again. "Will you come over and stay with me?"
"Of course, Abby. Is it Gibbs?" she asks.
"Yes" I say. I hear her sigh then swear in Hebrew. I can only make out Gibbs name.
I'll be there in a half hour Abby"
"Bring booze?" I ask pathetically, but there's no point because Ziva had already hung up.
I go into my house and play the messages on my answering machine. There of the five are from Gibbs, one from McGee and the other from Tony. I delete each one, not listening to them.
I go to my bathroom and stay at my reflection. My make up has streaked my face, even my lip stick. I sigh at how pathetic I am. I wash my face and reapply it all, hoping Ziva won't notice the tears that had once basically raped my face.
I sit on my couch and stare at my blank T.V. I know this is really just… disturbing, almost sick. Gibbs is almost twenty years my senior, I should not be falling in with him.
My doorbell rang and I run to get it. It's Ziva and she's carrying a deck of cards and three bottles of bourbon. I smile and grab a bottle from her.
I stand at my computer, typing slowly to avoid hurting my brain. I wiped Ziva out of two hundred dollars in poker and now I have a really bad hangover. I hope Gibbs doesn't yell at Ziva too much.
"Abby" Gibbs says from behind me, startling me a bit.
"Gibbs, stop sneaking up on me… its rude" I tease. "I was able to locate where the call came from. 1265 Oaklendale" For once, I hope he goes away after I give him what he wants. He doesn't.
"Abby" he starts.
"Don't you have a bad guy to catch?" I ask.
"You're more important" He snaps and touches the back of my neck in a comforting way. I shut my eyes and kind of sigh, his touch makes my skin all goosebumpy and tingly. "Why were you crying last night? What happened?" he asks. I look up at him and I can see the concern in his eyes, but I shake my head. "Abby" he says again. I sigh.
"It's just a guy Gibbs… I've been crushing on for a while and I can't tell him" I blurt out. Gibbs looks a little uncomfortable but asks;
"Why not?" I look over at him cautiously.
"He's… older then me…" I admit. He looks a little shocked but continues.
"How older?" he asks and I blush, which is really obvious against my pale face. Dammit.
"Considerably…" He stares at me. "Twenty years…" Gibbs mouth drops open.
"Twenty years Abby?" Gibbs yells. Now I know what would happen if I told him how I felt.
"Ow!" I whined, holding my head. "Now do you see why I wouldn't tell you? I knew you'd overact!" Not exactly the case, Abby.
"Overreact!? You just told me you like someone twenty years older then you!?"
"Now do you see why I wouldn't tell you?" I whisper, feeling a tear come down. Gibbs face softens and he walks over to me. Now he feels bad. He wipes a tear away.
"Who is he Abby?" Gibbs asks. I look up at him letting another tear fall. I can't speak and Gibbs is too close for me to sign. I try to pull away but Gibbs pulls me closer. "Who Abby?" I start to stutter.
"I-um-y-ou wouldn- wouldn't k-k-now hi-hi-him" I can barely breathe and then I'm saved by the Mossad Officer.
"Gibbs we have Lance Corporal Derek Rowe's father here… he wants to speak to you" She says. I can tell Gibbs wants to tell her to go away but he doesn't. Instead he leaves with her.
'Thank you' I mouth.
"You're welcome" she responds and leaves.
Gibbs pressed UP on the elevator and the doors slowly began to shut. Ziva runs up and holds the door, jumping in quickly. They stand next to each other in silence until Gibbs leans over and flicks the emergency stop switch.
"You know who Abby likes" he says, crossing his arms. Ziva stares blankly.
"I don't know what you are talking about" she lies. Gibbs stares at her. "Fine. She told me but she made me promise to keep it a secret" Gibbs continues to stare. "You're going force me to tell you aren't you?"
"Yup" Gibbs says. Ziva leans against the wall and Gibbs continues to stare. "I could keep you in the office at all times.
"You" she says. Gibbs tilts his head like a puppy. "You. Gibbs you! You're the twenty years older man that she likes!" Ziva practically shouts. "You are clueless" Ziva throws her hands up.
Gibbs blinks a few times and turns on the elevator again. They arrive at their destination but Gibbs stays on/
"Interview Rowe's father. Can you do it?" Ziva nods and exits. Gibbs presses down on the elevator and waits.
I squeeze Bert and he farts, causing me to smile. How could Gibbs not know it was him? I thought it was obvious.
"Abby" I hear him say from behind me. I look over at him; he's standing by the door. He knows. My heart catches in my throat and I don't think I'll be able to breathe. Gibbs walks up to me, grabs my face and kisses me gently.
I guess I'll get my happy ending after all.