Spoilers for Dawn of the New Wolrd if you haven't gotten to Raine in Isealia yet!

...But it really doesn't matter...

This was something I thought up when I saw the cutscene, it's pretty stupid, so beware.

Contains Lloyd/Everyone

CRACK FIC!!!



"Lilia… Will you marry me?"

Lloyd Irving was down dramatically on one knee, holding up a hand-crafted ring, sporting the diamond received from Origin (and stolen from Raine and Kratos), and smiling apologetically at the woman at least five years his senior in front of him. The widow looked agape at the young man, a look of shock (or abashed horror) plastered on her pretty face. However, before her mouth could form the words "no" and her hand could pick up the tomato of fate, a small mob of people burst into the Isealian household.

" WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE LLOYD IRVING!"

"Wha--?"

The Eternal Swordsman turned around to see nearly the whole cast from the previous Symphonian installment of the Tales series (and a few others)! "…What? You guys…!" the brunette gasped. "Lloyd! What do you think you're doing; what about me?!" the Sylvaranti chosen cried, anguish cracking her voice, her blue eyes crying limpid tearz. "I've known you forever, and you've saved me so many times, we traveled the worlds and had so many special moments; didn't they mean anything to you?! Can't we be something more?!" "C-Colette!" Lloyd stuttered, and quickly pocketed the ring, staring at all his friends and allies, who had come to confront him.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!" the voluptuous she-ninja yelled, crossing her arms and leering at the dual swordsman. "You're kidding right?! Her?!" She pointed to Lilia- "Over Colette?! OR ME?!"

"Do not… Forget me…" Presea said, her normally stoic voice hinted with rage. "This irritation will not leave me… Is this called…Anger?"

"It's called 'Lloyd is a royal jackass'!" Sheena seethed, glaring down Lloyd, who was trying to find some sort of escape route.

"Don't forget that horde of bizarre fangirls who enjoy shipping me off with my students, Lloyd. They'll have your head," Raine Sage sighed wistfully from the back of the room. "Oh, Kratos, why'd you have to leave?"

"Look, it's just that…!" Lloyd started, only to be tackle-hugged by an over emotional red head.

"Bud! What about me? Don't you love me?" Zelos whimpered, clinging to Lloyd as though he was a life preserver after the Titanic had sunk… If there had been a Titanic in the Symphonian universe. "You're the only reason I didn't FULLY betray you! I love you! Madly! Passionately!"

"Listen Zelos! Shut up for a sec!" Lloyd yelled, blushing heavily, and at the same time, kicking and/or shoving the Tethe'allan Chosen off him. When Zelos finally let go, Lloyd tried to sprint for the door, only to be stopped by Genis and Regal. "Martel Damnit! Not you too," the swordsman groaned, the objections of his friends becoming rather hackneyed at the moment. "Lloyd, you're my best friend. And I don't think it'd be… Healthy for you to get married to a woman who's husband got killed because of our dumb actions. So. I'm gonna ask you nicely. Never ever propose to her again, and I won't have to smite you, okay?" Genis grinned rather fiendishly, holding up his Kendama.

"I agree. That would be extremely foolish on your behalf, Lloyd. And besides, who else would be my right hand man for managing the company?" Regal smiled, half pleading, half conveying the 'or I'm gonna seriously kick your ass, son' message.

Lloyd took a step back from the door.

"What's wrong with Lili- GAAAH!"

A bolt of heavenly judgment fell from the sky, right on poor Lloyd.

When the smoke cleared, a small letter was on the floor in front of Lloyd, who, chewing an apple gel (and miraculously alive) picked it up, opened it, and read the piece of parchment inside.

Lloyd-

Don't marry that random girl; you'll regret it; especially because she has a kid.

Don't make me come down from Derris Kharlan and seriously kick your ass, son.

Your father,

Kratos Aurion

From his spot next to the door, Regal wondered how Kratos knew exactly how he felt. Lloyd folded up the paper, and stared at his friends. "Lloyd, I…" Lilia began. "Shut it, Whore!" Sheena snarled at the widow, still glaring at Lloyd. Lilia looked rather offended, and Genis couldn't help but snicker a little. "Listen, I really am not," the brunette started, but was immediately cut off by another over emotional redhead.

"Lloyd! My cross fandom lover!" Luke fon Fabre cried, running up to Lloyd and hugging him before pulling him into a deep lip lock. The Sylvaranti gagged, and managed to shove yet ANOTHER red haired young man from him. "Mithos Yggdrasill! What is wrong with you people!?" he yelled exasperatedly.

"Lloyd Irving!"

Several people turned to see a blonde, girly looking teenager come in through the window, stopping before the red clad swordsman. "WHAT," He growled testily, leering down the new comer. "This had better be pretty damn good!"

"Lloyd Irving! You killed my parents!"

"Oh, Martel, kid. If it's about Palma-fucking-pasta, it was NOT me, I can assure you," Lloyd sighed. This was getting old. And it was getting old faster than the rate of Zelos' ability to lock onto any good looking "babe" from half a mile away.

"P…Please take me now! I… I love you!" Emil Castagnier cried out, blushing a fabulous shade of prawn red (R24 for you Copic Marker fiends), arms out held, turning towards Lloyd. "Please! … I need you! I want you to f~" he moaned before he was cut off by Lloyd's boot planting itself in his face. "NO," the hero growled, moving back from the blonde, who slumped to the ground, holding his bleeding nose.

"I've had enough of this ass-hattery!" Lloyd yelled, finally snapping. "I am NOT in love with Lilia! I'm really, honestly not!" Lilia gasped, now suddenly offended by her would-be suitor's abrupt denial of his "love". "YES!" Sheena crowed from the back of the room, where several people turned to regard her. "Sorry," she mumbled, slightly embarrassed. "I only proposed to her so she would stop saying 'IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT MY HUBBI IS DEAD' every time I passed her house! Geesh!" Lloyd sighed, finally given the chance he needed to explain.

"Oh."

"I'm going to Flanoir. I need a drink," the swordsman grumbled, walking out the door. "Wait, can I come too?" Zelos asked, right behind his best friend, as he was departing. "I don't see why not," Lloyd said, smiling.

"What about me?"

"I don't see why not, Colette."

"I'm coming with you regardless!"

"Never said you couldn't, Sheena!"

"Raine, let's go too!"

"Very well, Genis."

"If it's all right, I would enjoy going with you as well, Lloyd."

"But of course, Regal!"

Soon enough, everyone had left Lilia's household, except Lilia herself, still beside herself with shock. She slumped into a kitchen chair, and brought her hand to her face, and began to weep.

Well, not every Tales of has a happy ending for the girls.


-laughs-

I hope you enjoyed it.

I know I'm dumb, you don't have to tell me.

Sorry if they acted OOC, that was slightly the point, but you know.

The reason I have them use "Martel!" or "Mithos Yggdrasill!" as "swears" is because, technically, they don't have a god (Mertel is their godess, therefore, "oh my godess" or "Martel!") or Jesus Christ. I'm not comparing the two or anything, it was supposed to be a joke. :1 Don't hurt me, people.

Also, I found out how to say Emil's last name- It's like "Cast-tawn-ee-ay"... Must be French.

A R&R would be nice, hunnies~

-Osaka