Really guys, you went with no? Fiiine.
Ryan furrowed his brow. He really wanted Troy to, oh, he really, really wanted it. But if it happened-he didn't know how he'd be able to stop it from…going on, and he really wasn't ready for it to. "Maybe…not…but maybe…I can unzip yours?"
Troy blinked, his jaw dropping. "What?" he finally managed to say after a while. "You want to?"
Ryan said nothing, replying only by rubbing his fingertips along Troy's jeans. He wanted to; at the same time, he didn't.
He felt Troy's eyes on him, watching. His fingers faltered. 'Oh god.'
"It's ok, Ryan." Troy smiled after a while. "Your hands are shaking. You don't have to." He lifted Ryan's hand and they untangled their bodies, sitting up together. Ryan let out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. His cheeks were on fire, both hands were shaking. He'd felt Troy through his pants, throbbing and hard and real, and it had been for him. The idea of more, taking it out…touching it…and…all that, he couldn't begin to think through. "I w-want to though." He whispered, trying to meet Troy's eyes. His heart clattered in his chest as he failed, dropping his gaze. Why couldn't he do this? What was wrong with him? He really wanted to—he thought about it when he was alone at night, when he woke up in the morning. It twisted knots in his stomach and made him shiver just thinking about it. But the idea of it scared him.
Troy scooted towards him so they were close, inches from each other's face. He wordlessly picked up Ryan's hands, running his thumbs over the back. "Ryan, remember I 'll never make you do anything you don't like, ok?"
Ryan nodded, grabbing hold of Troy's hands.
"It's…I like it Troy." He whispered, feeling his face heat up. "I like it a lot. I just…what's wrong with me?" He pulled his hands away, covering his face.
Troy frowned. "Ry, remember before we fought this summer…when we almost, y'know, did it?" Ryan blinked against his hands. "I remember you freaked out and said you weren't a whore. Is that how you feel when we get intimate?"
Ryan looked up. " I feel…I guess I feel dirty. I get nervous, I feel like…oh god, I dunno, I feel like it's a step I'm afraid to take because if I take it…if I take it, it'll mean something so deep, something I can't take back or pretend didn't mean something to me." He breathed in deeply, before rambling on again. "I know it sounds terrible Troy, and it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that…I'm scared because I feel like it's the final frontier and if I fall on it, everything will crumble and I'll lose you and that's…terrifying. Because what if you don't like it? What if you realize you don't like it and you don't like me? What if you decide you're not attracted to me after all when it's right up in your face and you have to deal with it, with what we are?" He quickly wiped at his teary eyes.
Troy sat back and blinked, because a lot of what Ryan was saying was how he felt about saying 'I Love You.'
"You have no idea how attracted I am to you Ryan." He said. "It's…a struggle not to rip your clothes off when I see you, my heart beats so fast when I'm holding you, you're gorgeous and amazing and you just…you're all I think about. You felt what you do to me just now."
Ryan smiled faintly.
"You have to believe me. I haven't thought about…being with a girl—any girl—since we got together. You're more than what I want…and desire I guess." Troy finished, a little embarrassedly.
"I believe you." Ryan's smile was brighter.
Troy smiled too. He knew Ryan believed him, but he felt like neither of them would move on until he really let Ryan know how he felt.
The beginning of Senior Year next chapter! What're you excited for this year?
I love your input guys, so leave me a review please!
How should Senior Year begin?
In the Auditorium