Disclaimer: JK would have a fit of the vapors if someone thought she wrote this dreck.
A/N: This is cracked out. You are warned. I wrote it as a drabble challenge for kal_ella on lj, and I thought, what the hell! Post it! Even though it sucks!
What You Most Would Miss
"Well, ah…here you are then, the things the champions would miss most," Dumbledore said, sounding a cross between bewildered and embarrassed. Hermione looked around at the small girl with silvery blonde hair who could only be related to Fleur Delacour, then back at the Headmaster.
"But…Professor Dumbledore," she began hesitantly, "there are only two of us."
Dumbledore coughed and McGonagall, standing next to him, sniffed audibly.
"….yes. Yes, you see, Miss Granger, you are apparently the thing our champions would miss most."
"Champions?" she questioned, stressing the s.
"Except for Miss Delacour, of course," Dumbledore said, not meeting her eyes.
McGonagall continued to look deeply disapproving.
"But—"Hermione began, dumbfounded.
"Oh, look at the time!" Dumbledore said loudly, cutting her off. "Time to put you both in your enchanted slumbers!"
"But Professor –" Hermione managed to get out, before Dumbledore drew his wand in a flash and everything melted away.
The next thing she knew she was coughing up water and squinting against the sunlight. She was freezing cold, except from where someone was gripping her tightly, and she treading water in the middle of the lake. She seemed to have woken up in the midst of an argument.
"I got there first, she's my hostage so you can just hand her over, Diggory!" a waterlogged Harry spat from in front of her.
"You were too busy having a martyr complex about Fleur's sister to save her Potter, so that makes her my hostage!" Cedric snapped back.
Cedric, it seemed, was the one holding her.
"She vent to the Yule Ball vith me," Krum argued from Harry's right. "I vould miss her the most."
"Like hell!" Cedric snapped, tightening his grip on her waist further.
"I would miss her the most," Harry said furiously, "I've known her the longest!"
"Vy do you even care, Diggory?!" Krum demanded.
Harry chimed in, "you don't even know Hermione!"
"She's clearly my hostage as I would miss her the most," Cedric said angrily as Hermione began to go numb from the cold.
Dimly, Hermione could hear the roars and cheers that greeted Fleur's return with Gabrielle off in the distance.
"You went to the ball with Cho, Diggory!" Harry exploded.
"Only because she threatened to hex my bollocks off if I didn't ask her," Cedric said grimly.
"Neither of you appreciated her until you saw her at the Yule Ball!" Krum snarled, attempting to drag Hermione from Cedric's grasp.
She shared a commiserating eye roll with one of the nearby singing mermaids who were starting to look annoyed.
"I don't care," Cedric fairly screamed, "I'm telling you I would miss her the most because—" he was cut off when Hermione's elbow sharply drove into his abdomen. "Because…erm…we like to study together," he finished lamely.
This brought about a new round of scoffing and yelling from Krum and Harry respectively.
"Boys," Hermione finally interjected, "boys! Dumbledore said I was all of your hostages, so I am the thing the three of you would miss most."
Suspicious silence greeted this declaration as the three champions glared at each other some more. The mermaids looked at each other in disgust and prodded them with their spears to get them moving. As the three of them made their way closer to the crowd, the three boys arguing and grabbing at Hermione all the way, Tracey Davis fumed at her best friend.
"I really don't know how she does it," she said incredulously.
"Love potions," Pansy Parkinson retorted firmly, "I told you it was love potions." Her eyes strayed to Draco Malfoy's sneering face. "I wonder if I can blackmail her into making me one," she muttered contemplatively.