The idea for this story came from a group of us always complaining about our husbands. A/N at the end!!! Enjoy!!


Being an adult sucks. End of story.

As a little girl my parents introduced me to stories like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and The Little Mermaid. All stories that revolve around one central theme, and that theme is love. They show you that you should spend your life looking and praying for Mr. Right. And that once you find him that your life will be perfect because true love conquers all.

Well I will tell you the truth. That shit never happens.

You find Mr. Right, and you spend oh I don't know, six fucking years hoping and praying that he will ask you to marry him. Then you spend another year planning a huge wedding and trying to please your OCD mother and his Martha freaking Stewart of a mother. You keep telling yourself that once you're married, it will be fine. You keep telling yourself that, but when you get shingles from the stress your future mother in law is causing you also get medicated. You get medicated with happy pills that become your life saver and new best friend.

So you make it through the wedding. You smile and hug the new mother in law that you know really hates you. You act excited to see the ex-girlfriend, who happens to be very close family friend of Mr. Right, and try not notice how your mother in law smiles when the ex hugs your now husband.

Then comes the honeymoon. Now I won't lie and say that it wasn't perfection, because it was. Unlimited drinks, laying on a secluded beach with your almost naked husband, having the most incredible sex of your life, and did I mention the unlimited drinks?

If we could have never left that little island, never left the amazing room and secluded beach, our marriage would be perfect. He would be my Mr. Right and I would be his. Just his.

But like I said, life is not a fairytale. And I am far from cinder-fucking-ella. This is real life, and real life is a bitch.

This is why I am sitting here, on my side of our obnoxiously huge bed, surrounded by a dozen tufts of tissues that have been used to wipe away tears. Tears that are the result of the first huge fight I have had with my Mr. Right since we have been married. A fight that has resulted in me in this fucking bed alone, and my husband sleeping at his parent's house. Perfect.

Excuse me Mr. Disney, I want a fucking refund.

One Week After the Honeymoon

"Edward! Guess what!" I smiled as my husband poked his head around the corner.

As he moved further into the room I had to fight to keep from tackling him right there. He stood leaning against the door frame in those ratty cargo shorts without a shirt looking like something straight out of my "cable guy comes over to hook up your DVR and instead hooks you up" fantasy. I shook my head when he started laughing. I must have been staring.

"Did you call me in here just so you could ogle me? I was hooking up your computer."

Yup Cable Guy fantasy was coming true later today.

"No. I was just going to tell you that I have just unpacked the last box and we officially live here!"

I pointed to the empty box on the floor and smiled proudly.

"Bells, we've lived here a week. Actually I've lived here like a month." He stepped around the now empty box and wrapped his arms around my waist. "But good job on the unpacking baby."

I bit my bottom lip as his hands left my waist and cupped my ass, pulling me closer to him. He leaned his head down with my most favorite crooked smile and kissed me softly. I leaned up on my tiptoes throwing my arms around his neck. As I tried to mould myself to his body he smiled and unhooked my arms.

"Bella, you gave me a whole list of things to do today. Don't get me sidetracked."

He gave my ass a little swat before kissing the top of my head and going back into the office. As I watched him leave with that smug little smile on his face I shook my head. My husband was a tease and I loved every fucking minute of it.

I stumbled over the empty box before kicking it out of my way. Two could play this game, and I definitely didn't play fair. I ran into our bedroom and began pulling my tank top and shorts off. I fumbled through Edward's side of the closet and yanked one of his white dress shirts off of the hanger. As I pulled my bra off, I let my hair out of the messy bun I had it in. I flipped my head over shaking out the curls before standing back up. I left the shirt unbuttoned but grabbed one of Edward's ties before moving quietly down the hallway.

I sauntered into the office to find my husband lying on his back under my desk while running cords to and from the modem. I smiled to myself as I sat in his leather chair across the room.

"Edward." I lazily fingered the loose tie that was around my neck and swayed side to side in the chair.

His head popped up and as he took in my appearance his eyes widened. The screw driver he had been holding fell out of his hands and hit him on the head. I snorted quietly as he rubbed his head and sat up, still looking like a kid in a candy store.


"I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to hook up my computer." I batted my eyelashes shamelessly and tilted my head to one side.

I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing as he tried to stand up and tripped over the cord he had been attaching to the wall. But he seemed to recover quickly because before I had time to blink he was picking me up out of the chair. As his hands slid under my ass told hold me up, my legs instinctively wrapped around his waist and I could immediately tell just how eager my husband was.

"I thought you had a lot to do today." I kissed his neck slowly while my fingers threaded themselves into the back of his hair.

He grunted as his lips began to kiss my chest slowly, licking the space between my breasts. He shifted my weight so he could hold me up with one arm while the other one began pushing things off his desk. I giggled as he sent the stapler flying off the desk which ended up landing on this foot.

He kicked the stapler off to the side and sat me on his desk. My legs loosened their hold as his hands pushed the shirt off my shoulders. I began to pull the tie off when his hands stopped me.

"Leave the fucking tie."

I smiled and ran my hands up his chest as he leaned down over me. His hands trailed down my stomach to my hips. He slipped his fingers inside the waist of my panties and pulled them off my hips and down my legs.

My eyes closed as he began kissing my stomach slowly. His hands found my waist again and he pulled me to the edge of the desk.

"God Bella. Do you have any idea how fucking sexy you look right now?"

I smiled seductively up at him while my hand groped around the desk until I found what I was looking for. When I handed him the digital camera his grandmother had given us as a wedding present, I couldn't tell if he was mad that I would even suggest this, or if he was pissed that he hadn't thought of it first.

"Well you don't have to Edward."

"Are you kidding me? I'm just pissed I didn't think of this sooner."

See this is why he is my Mr. Right. I sat up on my elbows as he turned the camera on and focused it on me.

"Holy shit." He laughed like a twelve year old and began taking pictures.

I giggled and tried to look as sexy as I possibly could while splayed all over my husband's antique desk wearing nothing but his tie. I moved around as he told me what he wanted and which poses he liked best until the turned the camera off and threw it in the chair behind him.

"Ok enough of that shit."

He pulled his shorts and boxers off in one swift movement and came at me with what had to be one of the sexiest smirks in the history of the world.

He grabbed my hips and again pulled me to the edge of the desk.

"You have no idea how much I want you right now." I whispered as I kissed his neck and let my hands travel over his chest and shoulders.

"I bet I could find out." He smirked again as his fingers slowly traced up my inner thigh until he reached my clit.

I moaned loudly as his thumb began rubbing slow circles against me. When his fingers slipped inside me my hips lifted off the desk.

"Fuck." I bit my lip as his thumb applied more pressure and he added another finger.

"That's the general idea."

As his hand tightened around my waist holding me in place he continued his amazing rhythm of his thumb rubbing against my now throbbing clit and his fingers sliding in and out of me, I couldn't help but think how I knew his piano abilities would eventually pay off.

"Edward." I moaned loudly as I tightened my grip on his shoulder and arm.

He began peppering my neck with kisses and I could feel the cocky smile against my skin.

"Edward I want you."

"I want you too, baby."

"No I want you. I want you in me like now."

He slid his fingers out but continued rubbing against me slowly, agonizingly slow.

"Edward please…" I could feel him positioning himself in front of me.

"Please what?" He slowly slipped the head of his penis in me.

I was practically clawing at his back and shoulders but I knew he loved it when I begged him.

"Please Edward I want you."

I had no problem begging for this. He knew I wanted it, and I knew he wanted to give it to me.

His hands grabbed my hips and pulled me closer to him while he slid in slowly until he was completely inside.

"Oh God!" I threw my head back as he began moving in and out of me, slowly at first but building in speed and force.

"Edward this is your mother."

My eyes flew open as he groaned and leaned his head down on my shoulder.

"Edward this is your mother."

I ground my teeth together as the voice of my dear mother in law filled the room.

"Are you fucking kidding me Edward?"

"Edward this is your mother."

"If I don't answer it she will just keep calling Bella." He groaned as he pulled out of me and picked his shorts up off the floor and fished his phone out of his pocket.

"Edward this is your…"

"Hi Mom."

I fell back against the desk and shook my head while staring at the ceiling.

"No we were just getting the office set up."

I sat back up and wanted to cry when I saw that Edward was now sitting in his chair, no longer naked.

"No come on by."

I waved my hands at him while mouthing the words "Hell no!" but he ignored me.

"Ok see you in a few minutes. Love you too. Bye."

As soon as he closed his phone he held his hands up "Bella she was in the neighborhood."

"My ass she was in the neighborhood. They live an hour away Edward."

"Well I couldn't just tell her no."

"Why not? I would have. Does she not know you don't just drop in on newlyweds? Everyone knows that."

I got off the desk and picked his now wrinkled dress shirt off of the floor along with my panties.

"We can have sex anytime Bella. She hasn't seen us since we got back."

I ignored him and went back into our bedroom where I got dressed. As I was pulling my hair back up I heard the front door open.


I cringed as my mother in law's annoyingly sweet voice filled our house.

"Thanks for fucking knocking." I muttered under my breath as I heard Edward greeting his mother.

I grabbed my cell phone off the night stand and sent a 911 text to my best friend.

"911 MIL showed up and interrupted sex, need tequila." I hit send and before I could even leave the room she had texted me back.

"I'm on it. 7:00."

I smiled and tossed my phone on the bed before taking a deep breath and going out into the living room to find my mother in law pinching my husband's cheeks and laughing.

"And there's Bella." She stepped around Edward and hugged my tightly.

"Hi Esme." I patted her back and threw a glare at Edward who shook his head at me.

Once she let me go she held me at arm's length and looked me over.

"I was just telling Edward how tan he looked."

I smiled and nodded.

"But you look just as pale dear." She patted my arm and moved into the kitchen.

I fisted my hands at my side and stifled a groan as she mumbled something about fair skin. Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head before leading me into the kitchen.

Esme was going through the cabinets commenting on how she would have arranged things differently. She stopped and pointed to a white bag that was sitting on the counter.

"I brought you dinner dear. I know Bella must be exhausted and I didn't want you to have to order pizza again." She smiled kindly and turned back to the cabinets.

I rounded on Edward but he was already digging through the bag and pulling out cartons of what I assumed was Chinese food and moving them into the fridge.

"Thanks mom, you really didn't have to."

"Well I couldn't let you starve dear." She laughed, or cackled, and Edward smirked along with her.

That traitor! I wouldn't have let him starve! I shot death glares at the back of my husband's head before Esme tapped my shoulder.

"Bella, where are your glasses?"

I ignored her question and reached around her into a cabinet and handed her a glass.

"Oh. Well. Thank you. I wouldn't have though to put the glasses in that cabinet."

She smiled sweetly and it took everything in my power not to just punch her in her face.

"Well show me the rest of the house." She clapped her boney little hands together and Edward motioned for her to follow him.

I stood there leaning against the counter hoping I wasn't expected to participate in this tour.

"Bella are you coming?" Edward called from the hallway.

I pushed away from the counter and muttered "Not anytime soon apparently."

Edward was showing his mother the house, commenting on gifts we had received or items we had picked up while on the honeymoon. His mother made comments that just annoyed the hell out of me. To someone on the outside they might not have seemed harsh or degrading but if you knew Esme, really knew her, you knew she was being a snarky ass old woman. And it just pissed me off.

"You know Edward that vase Tanya got you would look wonderful on that shelf."

At the mention of the ex my head popped up and I looked around the office.

"I guess." He shrugged and picked the screwdriver up off the floor.

"You know she will be in town next month. We should all get together for dinner. Wouldn't that be nice?"

Edward gave me an apologetic smile as we half listened to his mother's asinine story of Tanya's new job, or new boobs whatever she was talking about. I was about to interrupt her when I saw her pick up the camera from the desk and turn it on.

"Oh I would love to see pictures from the honeymoon!"

It was one of those moments when everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Before either one of us could react his mother began scanning through the pictures on the camera. I cringed as her face formed a horrific grimace and she dropped the camera onto the floor.

The three of us stood there staring at the camera and the picture that was still showing up on the screen. I closed my eyes as Edward leaned down and picked the camera off and quickly turned it off.

"Esme." I took a tentative step forward but she held her hands up.

"I do not want to discuss this."

She moved around me and back into the living room where she grabbed her purse and flung it over her shoulder. We both followed behind her and as she went to open the front door Edward stopped her.

"Mom I'm sorry you had to see that but…"

She took a deep breath through her nose which made her nostrils flair.

"I am very disappointed in you Edward. Very."

"Excuse me?" I stepped forward in front of Edward and shook my head.

"This is horrendous. My own child involved in pornography!" She shook her head at me.

"Esme we are a married couple. And what we choose to do in our own house is not your business. Edward didn't do anything wrong."

She narrowed her eyes at me before looking at her son.

"You have corrupted him Bella. And I will not stand for it. I will be making an appointment for both of you to meet with our pastor and begin marriage classes."

I couldn't help but snort and laugh at her.

"Mom, Bella didn't corrupt me. We were just fooling around."

I began laughing harder at his choice of words and held onto his arm to keep from falling over. Edward coughed to cover up his laughter but it didn't fool anyone.

"I'm making the appointment Edward." Esme pointed a threatening finger at her only son before opening the door and slamming it behind her.

After we watched her drive away from the house and down the street Edward turned the camera back on.

"I guess I should delete these."

I grabbed the camera out of his hand and turned it off.

"Like hell you should. We are framing these bitches!"

We both started laughing again before he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

"Where are we going?"

"We are going to finish what we started earlier." I laughed as he pinched my ass.

"Well be sure to turn your damn cell phone off."

Edward laughed and kicked the bedroom door closed behind us.

LMAO this shit made me laugh so hard!!!! We have several more chapters coming up and I really hope you guys enjoyed it!

I have to say this is dedicated to my husband. Honey.. I love you.. but your mom pisses me off! :o)

Di- I heart you!!!! What else can I saw??? I'm SAWFT for you!!!