Hi everyone, i know i promised an Update to An Inevitable Change but i got attacked by plot bunnies and so this was born. Not a great attempt at humor, but anyway here we go.

Please review and i might do one where Emmett attempts to give the talk to Bella :) I will only write it if people review !


Summary - Edward gets the 'The Talk' A La Emmett

The living room was large and unoccupied, apart from myself and Emmett, giving me respite from the rest of the household. Rosalie was stilled pissed at me for agreeing to change Bella when the time came. Alice, seeing ahead of us, what would happen if Rosalie voiced her opinions, had suggested that her, Esme and Rosalie go do some late night shopping. Carlisle had taken Jasper hunting, as the mood had become too much, that even he could not calm him.

Emmett sat on the comfortable sofa, his legs pulled up on top of the antique 18th century apothecary table, that Carlisle had bought her for their anniversary. If she was in the house now he would be limping around the house, trying to regain the feeling in his legs. I smiled inwardly at my brothers bravery, Esme would notice footprints of that table a mile away.

The remote was clutched in his hand, as he flicked through the channels, nothing taking his interest. His thoughts held nothing interesting, just a run down on his latest meal, a large black grizzly that He had woken up from its slumber. His thought drifted in and out of focus, sometimes lingering on a moment between him and Rose, something I tried to tune out. After around 10 minutes of going through a play-by-play of his grizzly encounter, his thoughts became more lucid and even more disturbing than before.

He had begun to reminisce about the previous night with Rosalie. Apparently mine and her argument, that she was so frustrated that all of her pent up anger resulted in a very eventful night between himself and Rose. Sometimes I cursed the fact that I could hear my brother's thoughts, even though it did come in handy when he and Jasper were planning pranks.

His thoughts though suddenly took an unexpected turn - or expected when you think about who it was doing the thinking - and Rosalie was now morphing into Bella, with myself taking Emmett's place. My initial reaction was to tear Emmett to tiny little pieces and throw him into the fire place that we never used. But then as the thoughts became a little bit more graphic, I realised that it was now my own thoughts running through my head rather than my chauvinistic brother's. My first clue was that the scene was taking place in Bella's bedroom, were every minute detail was magnified. I knew it was me because Emmett has never seen the inside of Bella's house, never mind her bedroom.

My fantasy was cut short, when Emmett broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. He was curled up on the sofa, clutching his stomach, gasping for a breath that he didn't need. When he finally pulled himself together he turned to me and smirked,

"Aww man, you should have seen your face!" he lapsed into another round of laughter, before continuing, "I mean I didn't think that would work, but by the look on your face it did" I growled at him, but he just smiled.

"That wasn't funny" I snarled at him through gritted teeth. He raised an eyebrow and thought, well you seemed to enjoy it. I tried to ignore his thoughts but he was throwing them at me, come on I know that wasn't the first time you had thought about. I let another snarl rip from my throat. you can't say that you haven't imagined taking her in her room and ripping her clothes off, whispering in her ear, everything you want to do to her, where you wanna touch her ----

"ENOUGH !!" I jumped up shouting. He was really taking it too far, as his thoughts became accompanied by various images. His smile grew and his thoughts became even more lucid. I huffed and sat back down in my chair, trying to block him out.

"Aww don't get all moody about it Little Brother, I was just trying to help!" He sounded almost sincere but his smile gave him away.

"Help? That was helping? Listening to my brother imagine what it would be like, to sleep with my girlfriend. You thought that was being helpful?" I looked at him incredulously, even more so when he nodded and smiled, if possible, even wider.

"Oh please Emmett your kidding me" I replied to his most recent thought, I thought you might need some pointers. "Emmett I do not need any pointers, nor do I need any advice of you." his face fell dramatically and his smile was replaced with a frown.

"Hey! Now listen to me, I know a lot more about this than you do, which is a first. So sit down and let me fill you in on the ….Er… Ins and Outs of my specialist subject."

I groaned audibly and walked over to where he was sat on the sofa.

"Now, I know you've been to Medical school more than once, so I won't go into too much detail." I rolled my eyes, as he raised his eyebrows, his expression serious, which made me want to laugh. The thought of Emmett being serious was never really something anyone considered. His voice was going on and on and I tried to drown out most of his little speech. I was doing quite well until a sharp punch to the shoulder pulled me out of my stupor.

"Hey ! Listen to me ! I won't get another chance at this, so I will say when it's your first time things can be a little scary, so I'm just gonna give you a little it of advice . DON'T, and I mean DO NOT under any circumstances start crying -" That was it,

"EMMETT I am NOT going to start CRYING when Me and Bella have SEX! Now will you please shut up. Your thoughts are giving me a brain ache !" I screamed at him, but through all my annoyance I didn't hear the front door open and my family walk into the room, just in time to hear my little outburst. They all stared at me and Emmett who was sat on the sofa still, with a huge grin on his face.

Jasper was the first to laugh, with Alice and Rosalie following soon after. Esme and Carlisle stood with shocked expressions, but were fighting back grins.

I growled, again, and sped past them, up to my bedroom. I slammed my bedroom door, trying to drown out their laughter.

*****

A few hours later, I heard a knock at the door, and I automatically thought of Bella. I raced down the stairs and flung the door open. I wasn't disappointed, there my Bella stood looking as radiant as ever.

"Hi" she said timidly. I still couldn't shake that sinking feeling that she didn't believe I was staying . I would have to prove it to her a thousand times. Not that I minded.

"Hi, come in. we can go up to my room." She grinned and came in, taking my hand. I leaned down and kissed her slowly, before tugging on her hand.

But before we could make it up the stairs Emmett and Jasper's head peaked round the doorway and grinned wildly at Bella, I knew exactly what they were planning. I growled at them both. "Emmett, Jasper, don't even try it"

"It's ok Eddie, we were just going to ask Bella to do something for us" Emmett was really pushing it today.

"Yeah, Em's right. You don't mind do you Bella?" Bella shook her head and smiled at me, as if to say 'how bad could it be?' My brothers grin's got wider and Emmett turned to us both, straightening up.

"well Bella, we just going to say that when the time comes, we would really appreciate it if -"he was nearly bursting with silent laughter now, so Jasper took over.

"If you didn't make our little Eddie cry."


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