browniechadowes: I do not technically own Twilight or its characters… or Stephenie Meyer (thank the lord). Drumroll please!

Orchestra: *drumrolls*

browniechadowes: Here it is, folks. Second installment of the Renegade Characters, with much protestation from disgusted lovers Edward and Bella, and a slightly irate Stephenie Meyer. Enjoy!

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Never Gonna Happen

Bella's inner monologue: *takes a very deep breath* Alright, here we go again. I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares. But this was no dream, and unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life. I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. And, what a surprise, here I go again. Wonder who I'm running off to save? Any guesses? Bingo. Alice had said there was a good chance we would both die here. In failing at this, I forfeited any desire to live. - Jesus, Stephenie, laying it on thick with the melodramatics at the very beginning? Shouldn't you be easing the readers into this? There should be a disclaimer. Side effect: incurable teen angst.

Stephenie: You are treading thin water, Bella. You never know… I could just kill you off and create another protagonist for the story. I'm sure Rosalie wouldn't mind.

Bella: *scowl* But I've had a break from the last parody. Ya know, time to think, to ponder my placement in this series. Can't we spice it up a little bit? Maybe throw in a little KickAss!Bella? SuperHardcore!Bella? SlightlyLessObsessive!Bella? Can ya give me anything to work with?

Stephenie: *raising eyebrow patronizingly* Mmmm hmmm, suuuuree Bella.

Bella: Never gonna happen?

Stephenie: Nope. *takes out oh so familiar stick and pokes Bella in the rib* Go on now, that's a good girl.

Bella's inner monologue: The clock tolled again, and the sun beat down from the exact center point of the sky.