Hey... Umm... Well, DON'T SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!! I know you all probably hate me because I haven't updated in forever... But.. I'm updating now... Aren't I???? Anyhoo, I won't blather on with my sad story about how I couldn't update, because I hate when people make excuses... Anyhoo... HERE'S THE DISCLAIMER:

DISCLAIMER: I NO OWN TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEW MOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ECLIPSE!!!!!!!!!!!! OR BREAKING DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike's POV:

What did I do wrong???

I just went to my true love's window.

Like Romeo and Juliet...

When Romeo is on the balcony...

Or is that Juliet???

Whatever.

And then I saw her.

The most beautiful girl.

With bronze locks and a beautiful voice.

And a rockin' body!!!!

With boobs the size of small melons..

Nice and round..

(AN: Yeah... I know... he's a pervert... but this IS rated T... I think... Wait... umm.... Yeah, it is!!! I'm not a pervert.... so there won't be much pervertisoty (not a word I know...) here...)

And then, after all the love notes I sent her....

She STILL stuck by her ugly fiancee...

When she could've had ME!!!!!

I just don't understand women!!!!

They could have ME!!!!

At least until the next lucky woman came along..

And now I have to go to court!!!

Because I am my normally romantic self!!!

Oh... Crap... Jessica is going to be sooo mad when she hears about this..

LATER AT COURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renesmee's POV

Ugh....

That Mike Newton is so creepy..

After all the casualties of the judge walking in and yadda yadda....

Mike's lawyer was Jessica.

My lawyer was Elezear.

Who knew that he went to Harvard Law school!???

Twice...

And a few times to Yale...

Dad wanted to defend me, but then Mom thought it would be a little odd...

So we hired a close Family Friend.

No cost!

Anyways.... the case closed pretty quickly after a few people we used as witnesses described how annoying Mike was...

One of the women said that Mike ran over her husband!!!!

Of course... He denied that... but no one believed him...

Especially since the judge had been stalked by him too..

So he was sentenced to a few years in prison, and I married Jacob.

Life was good.

Then, we learned that life was never good.

Because apparently, Mike had a son.

Mike Jr. We called him.

And he was sent to jail...

And the next Newton too..

And the next..

And the next..

Emmett kept saying that stalkers breed like rabbits..

I didn't believe him, but he was right..

Everywhere we go, we get a new stalker..

I don't remember how many..

I lost count at 2583...

We had to move so many times..

Sometimes even more than once a week!!!!

Finally, we just decided to ignore the stalkers.....

It was good in theory, but we couldn't really..

But then, Emmett started scaring away the stalkers....

And finally the Cullen family lived in peace.....

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's short.... but I had no time... and plus, I like it... Sooo... REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had a great time imagining Mike as a stalker....

Love,

Marie Elaine Cullen