Borderline Personality Disorder.
Victim of Abuse
My list of many disorders and phobias. My stuggles.
This, is where my story begins.
I was in grade 5. It was a normal wintery day. The sky was cloudy, little snowflakes falling lightly from the sky, the ground covered in a thin layer of snow, the chilly weather, the sound of kids gossiping and playing. Just a normal winter day. I felt normal that day aswel. Though I do not remember completely what happened before the incident, I know I had looked in the mirror that morning to find the same me. My pale skin, my freckled oval like face, my plain brown eyes that could sometimes look golden, my brown straight hair just below my shoulders as I had been growing it out, My somewhat slim body that I knew just needed a couple more pounds off and would be the perfect, healthy weight. Everything was completely normal. Or so I had thought.
The bell had rung and I went to line up at the portable, waiting to be let inside. First was math. I liked math. I was good at it, and it seemed easy to me. I found it easier than language or any other subject because the answers could be right or wrong. Black or white, no inbetween. Though that was not really how I looked at things in life, I was always afraid to get things wrong in school, embarassing or dissapointing myself and others.
I had looked at the clock to find it was almost 10:30 recess. We were dismissed to get snacks and that's when it happened.
I got my brownies out of my bag, took a bite and started back to my desk when I saw Edward, bend over and throw up, spew splattering everywhere a few feet in front of me. After that, everything seemed to go 500 mph. Everyone ran to the farthest corner of the class and the teacher went over to help Edward.
I was the one most affected, begging to leave, repeating I didn't feel well, and needed to go home. The teacher said I was fine. I didn't feel like I was though.
We all left for recess, me hypervenilating, half eaten brownie still in hand. I walked out and stood against one of the portables furthest from mine. I couldn't breathe. I kept panting, gasping for air that I didn't think was getting to my lungs. It felt like I was in a pool and unexpectedly pulled underwater. Like I was trying to swim or reach to the surface, trying desperately to get out. My vision started to blur as I felt dizzy. My fingers clammy and shaking.
The thought of eating the brownie in my hand disgusted me. I thought if I ate it, I would throw up or get seriously sick. So, I let it drop to the ground.
I then saw Rosalie and Alice came running over, getting past all the kids on the playground. I stared at them, dazed.
"Bella, Bella!" They said. "What's wrong?"
"E-Edward threw up in class. I don't know w-why I'm acting like this. Oh, God." I stuttered. I gripped the wall of the portable behind me tightly.
"Yeah, I know. We saw him at the office! He looked so green." Alice replied with a disgusted face.
I was jelous. Purly jelous that the situation didn't have an effect on them as it did on me.
I knew I was a mess, and they insisted on taking me to the office. I knew that asking to go home wouldn't do anything, they or my mother and father would not let me. But, I went anyways.
I remember walking down the hallways hearing Rosalie and Alice reassure me.
"It's okay Bella, you'll be home soon" Rosalie said.
"Yeah, just imagine yourself at home, in bed or watching television with no worries." Alice added.
I thought about it and it made me feel slightly better, but worse at the same time. I wanted out NOW. I didn't want to be at school. I wanted to be at home. If I was gunna be sick anywhere I want it to be at home where my mom could be there and help me. I wanted to go home and never go back to school, ever.
And I was right, they didn't let me go home. I ended up sitting in the sick room, which only made me more anxious. I hated that room. Their stupid plastic beds which were plastic for a reason. It seemed like everything I saw made me more anxious. And on top of that, Edwardl, of all people was right there with me. I swear someone up in heaven hated me.
I had always had a crush on him. For almost a year and a half at the time. He moved from Brazil to Canada in Senior Kindergarden. His brown-ish red hair long, covering his eyes slightly. He was tall and lean. Very muscular because he was a soccer player. I use to do everything I could to be with him, to talk to him. Just like any girl with a crush would do. Now, the sight and thought of him made me feel sick. And not the good kind of sick. Not the butterflies in your stomach and smiling like an idiot sick. Sick like you were going to vomit. And here I was, sitting 5 feet away from him, trying to get my breathing under control, without much success.
The secretary approached us, holding a garbage can.
"Here hon, if you feel like you're going to get sick again, use this."
Edward just nodded. Yeah, like that made my situation any better! I could feel the tears behind my eyes, begging to come out. But I wouldn't let them. I couldn't.
Edward turned slightly and opened his mouth to speak.
"Do you feel sick because of what you saw?" He asked.
I knew what he meant. Of course I did.
"Yes," I replied "It's not your fault though"
"I was trying to ask to go to the washroom" he continued "I felt sick, but she didn't see me raising my hand."
This made me slightly mad. Well, why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you just run to the bathroom without permission? She would have understood! Why didn't you atleast get to the garbage can and not throw up all over the stupid floor in front of my eyes!?
I wanted to scream this at him. I wanted to make him understand that I was really affected by this. I wanted him to know that I probably wouldn't be the same after this! My eyes began to water, but no tears fell, for which I was thankful for.
I had bit my tongue and just nodded, letting the conversation end there.
I saw his mom come through the office door. She had long, light brown hair with blonde highlights and was wearing cream coloured pants and a black blouse.
"Your mom is here" I told him, taking a careful glance straight into his eyes. The sick feeling in my stomach intensified until my breathing became even heavier and shakier, but I don't think he noticed.
And just like that, he left.
------------------------------------ For those of you who read my other fanfic... IM NOT GIVING UP ON IT! i just havent been in the mood for writing. I will update that when i can. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEWWWW!!
You guys are probably thinking 'Brazil? What?" aha well basically this is MY life story. I'm just using the characters from twilight to tell it. Everything is true in this story except when they get past age 13 (which is what i am now.. well i will be in 2 days)
My chapters for this may be a little short, but i will update very often.
For those of you who read my other fanfic... IM NOT GIVING UP ON IT! i just havent been in the mood for writing. I will update that when i can.