Crack stories or Legolas vs. Me

Humor/parody ficlets

Beta: Aranel

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: It was all Legolas' fault; he should have known that he should not taunt the author, but I guess he did not know…

A/N: Written in the cheerful spirit of the coming holidays– even sacrificing sleep to continue in the early hours of the night/morning.


The elf sensed that his torturer was chatting away in an instant messenger window. Using this distraction, he stepped very slowly and quietly toward his target.

Suddenly, Legolas grabbed the cell phone from the author who kept torturing him, and happily used it to take a few pictures of her.

Then the author smiled broadly. Legolas, still holding the phone, could feel how the fear was growing inside his body. He started to shiver violently as the author started to move her pen.

"Please..." Legolas begged for his life.

"Legolas, see what you have done?" The author was glaring daggers at the elf in front of her, who now handed over the phone in an unsteady hand... only to have it crash down the hard, cold floor.

"Sorry..." Legolas voice grew weaker as the author nudged him with the pen, and that seemed to be the last straw for the elf, who fell like a broken leaf, his blue eyes staring at the author in great fear.

"He dropped my cell..." The author mumbled in frustration and anger, directing the next question toward the elf, "Do you know how much it costs each per month? You're going to pay with a full share of torture, angst and more, Legolas... Or would you prefer to see your father suffering instead?"

"Please... I thought that you love my father, and me." Legolas found the courage to stand in front of his father, trying to protect him.

"I still do, and always will, but..." The author told the elf, finishing another page and starting another, "But I am always in need of someone to torture. So, it's either you or your father – I give you the chance to choose." The author smiled at him before she continued, "So, who is going to get tortured, and who will enjoy my company and be safe?"

Legolas stared at the author, a frown clouding his blue eyes. He did not wish his father would be hurt from whatever the author's bunny suggested. He had already seen bad things happening to him, and had heard from Aragorn and Elrond about the death of his father – killed by this author – and he did not wish to see it happen again.

"No, please… I cannot let you harm my father…" Legolas asked, turning his pleading blue eyes at the author.

"So…" the author grinned at him, "Are you volunteering yourself to me?"