Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto. All rights reserved.
"Oh my goodness!"
Naruto was just passing by the computer room when he heard Sakura exclaim that. Wondering what had her so flustered, he backpedaled into the open doorway.
Around one terminal stood Sakura and Kiba looking over Hinata's shoulder. Or at least Sakura was; Kiba was too busy twisting and turning, making the most disgustified of faces.
"What's going on guys?"
Sakura shot up ramrod straight, trying her best to not look at him. "Um, nothing, Naruto."
"You call this 'nothing'?" Kiba squeaked. "That's some nasty shit, man! I mean, with Naruto? What the fuck!"
"What with me?" Naruto asked a little more interested, already in the room and looking over Hinata's shoulder.
"Naruto, you wouldn't be interested," Sakura said quickly, trying to pull her teammate away.
"Hey, there's Sasuke's name!"
"Naruto, come on!"
"No way! Let him read what has Hinata so—"
Kiba went down like a sack of bricks, thanks to a slug to the face, courtesy of Sakura. However, she lost her grip on her teammate, and he was busy reading the entry on the computer.
He grew pale. And paler.
"Wh-what the hell?"
"Naruto!" Sakura cried out, trying to cover his eyes. "I told you, it's—"
"Who the hell wrote this thing!"
Sakura sighed. "You have fan girls around the area."
Naruto stared hard at Sakura. "I have fan girls?"
She sighed, nodding. "Yeah, though Sasuke still has more…" She hastily changed the subject. "That doesn't matter right now."
In her reluctance, Naruto grew aware of Hinata. He looked at her still sitting there as if nothing was going on around her.
Her pale eyes stared sightlessly at the monitor. He passed his hand in front of her face several times.
"Yeah, she's out like a light," Kiba groaned, rubbing his aching jaw. "Found her perusing for ideas in helping you and Sakura out with your Sasuke quest, and well… she was like that when I came in, stuck on that page."
"Poor girl," Sakura said, shaking her head. "She's catatonic."
"…and people write stuff like that about me?"
"Well… not just you… mostly you and Sasuke, Lee and Gaara, Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei…"
Naruto's eyes fell out if his head. "What! Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei!"
The medic nodded. "It's really popular, you know… though, nowhere near as popular as you and Sasuke… though, you're usually uke…"
"I don't want to be anything!" Then a thought dawned on him, and he narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Sakura blinked, a little sweat forming at her temple.
"You sure know a lot about this kind of thing, Sakura-chan…"
"Yeah," Kiba chimed in. "I mean, for just discovering something like this, she should be in as much shock as Hinata!"
"W-well, I was just…"
"This…" Hinata finally spoke. Everyone looked at her as she painstakingly turned around in her seat. "This… is Sakura-san's account."
A grain of sand could have been heard hitting a pillow, the room had grown so quiet.
After what felt like hours of painful silence, Naruto spoke. "Sakura, you got a week to get everyone one of my fangirls together…" Naruto said dismissively. He left the room without looking at anyone.
"Whoa…" Kiba commented. "He's pretty pissed."
Hinata nodded, looking at his disappearing form. "I have to go…"
"Yeah, you do that," Sakura said, slightly cold, and not from the room, either.
The blond surveyed the training ground he had all the fan girls meet him at. There were thousands of them, easily. He nodded absently, vaguely impressed.
"I really do have fan girls…" he spoke softly.
"Yeah, Naruto…" Sakura said from beside him.
He looked at her for a moment, nodding slightly. "And you?"
"I said I was sorry… just…"
"Just… well, if you really want to know, if you imagine you as a girl, it makes so much more sense, that's all…"
He quirked a brow. "What does?"
"Your dedication in saving Sasuke. It's… almost like a soap opera, the guy in love with the girl going through hell for her… I just couldn't resist putting it down…"
"Really?" His eye brows went up in surprise.
She nodded, not looking at him. "You should try it one time."
He glared at her. She could feel the heat of his stare, snapping her head towards him.
"I meant the imagining part, not… well, you know…"
He slowly grinned. "Wow, you really are a pervert…"
She blushed darkly at that, and kept her mouth closed.
Chuckling, he made his way out to the podium thoughtfully set up for his meeting of his fan girls.
A hush fell on the crowd as they all stared up at him. He cocked his head to one side, smiling a little. Clearing his throat, he began.
"So, I hear that you're fangirls of me, Naruto Uzumaki?" A resounding wave of cheers when through the crowd. "And… Sasuke…"
The roar nearly deafened him. Hearts in their eyes, the girl began giggling madly, talking about their most favorite pairing.
"Okay, I see…" he said, once able to get a word in. Slowly, almost regretfully, they turned their attention back to him.
"Now, I know I had promised a special treat, and if you'll stand back…" The fan girls did as asked, and Naruto made one seal with his hands. "Taijuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Smoke flooded the area briefly, then quick retracted to reveal over a thousand copies of both Naruto and Sasuke, arms around each other.
"Like it, girls?"
The crowd went berserk in ecstasy.
The copies grinned at them, though most missed the evil glints in their eyes. "Well, girls," the copies resounded as one. "You're going to love this next part…"
They were on pins and needles, watching them draw their hands up and wide.
"BITCHSLAP NO JUTSU!"
Tsunade rubbed her forehead. "Tell me you didn't…"
"Didn't what, bachan?" Naruto said innocently.
"Slap, spank, and otherwise, manhandle your fan girls."
"Why would I do that?"
Tsunade pulled out a bottle of sake, and a cup. "Look, Naruto. I know you may not like it, but it's fact that it'll happen. You just can't go around beating up people just because you don't like it."
"But I was just—"
"Enough," she poured herself a cup, then slid it over to him. He looked at it in confusion.
"Just drink up. It helps to soften the insult to your preference. Shizune partakes sometimes, too."
"What would Shizune-neechan need to—"
Tsunade stared at him for a moment, forcing his brain to click into overdrive. The answers were making him blush. "Oh…"
"Yeah, and sometimes, they give her a penis, too."
Naruto's face turned into a tomato. "…wow…"
"So, like I said, drink up. It could be worse."
Naruto downed his cup of sake hastily, coughing as the fire hit his system.
"Next time you want to beat up someone over this, just ignore it. See me if it makes your brain hurt too much to do so."
After Naruto left her office, Tsunade looked over in the corner of the room. Kakashi emerged, his Sharingan exposed.
"Did you copy it?"
"Bitchslap no Jutsu? Of course."
"Good," she said, a sinister look in her eyes. "Gather the fan boys, especially the ones into enemas and dick girls… it's time we had a talk."
And no, I don't recommend Bitchslap no Jutsu.