The Smashy Mario Race: Season Five

By Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus

"I'm at Bowser's Castle, in the heart of the Koopa Kingdom, the EVIL neighbor of the Mushroom Kingdom!" said a cheery, high-pitched Master Hand, floating along, "And very soon, eleven teams, each with a pre-existing relationship, will set off on a race around the world for a million dollars!"

"These teams are…" said Master Hand as he opened a letter, "Mario and-"

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!!!!" Random audience members shouted, loud enough to make the viewers death.

Master Hand growled, pointing at the random audience. "Silence, infidles! I'm Doctor Rrrrrrrrrobotnik, and I say what I want!"

"B-B-But..." A random Bo-Bomb kid muttered, standing up as he trembled, "You can't say his name. He'll come and-"

"I say PRRRRROMOTION!!! I say NINCOMBOTS!!! And if I can say those, than I can say his name!" Master Hand shouted as he zapped the Bo-Bomb kid with electricity, causing the Bo-Bomb to explode, killing one third of the whole random audience. Clearing his throat, Master Hand resumed, "Anyway, here is the first team. The Married Couple, Mario and Candlejack, who are currently seeking an adopte-"


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Mario was stretching his arms, letting out a sigh of boredom as he got up from his red-colored sofa. Luigi, who was relaxing in his green sofa, blinked as he watched Mario head into the kitchen.

"Hey! Mario, the movie's coming back on! Come on!" Luigi shouted, but it did not do much as Mario resumed his trek in the kitchen, pulling out a spoon. Luigi shook his head in disbelief, asking, "Really, Mario? A spoon? What is that going to do to hyelp?"

Mario scoffed, shaking his head. "More than you. Anyway, I'm gonna go pester some green-shelled Koopa Troopas..." Just as he was about to leave, Luigi tackled him down to the ground, causing the red-capped Italian American plumber to push off his scared brother. "What's wrong with you, Luigi!? You don't act like this whenever I'm home!"

"B-B-But Mario!" Luigi whimpered, looking around as he nervously sweatdropped, "Green Koopas can be able to hold off their own! They don't fall off cliffs, not even on the edge-"

"Luigi, that's red shelled Koopas you're talking about," Mario corrected, simply laughing as he headed out the door, "Just leave this to me, Luigi. I'll be back."

Luigi sighed as he sulked, and headed back to his chair, to resume watching his movie, but worrying about Mario.


As Mario headed out the western gates of Toad Town, the grand captial of the Mushroom Kingdom despite its name, he encountered three innocent green-shelled Koopas, who were playing with cards. Mario grinned deviloushly as he hid amongst the bushes, taking out his spoon.

"So did you participate in that Mario Kart tournament?" One Koopa asked, sipping some yogurt.

The second Koopa rubbed the back of his head, replying frankly, "Well, actually, I was going to enter, but my Bullet Bike broke down, so I had to go get the replacement..."

The other two Koopas looked at each other, then back at the second Koopa.

"What was the replacement?" The third Koopa asked, scratching his head.

The second Koopa sighed, laying down a red kings card. "A real Bullet Bill."

Silence. It was then that Mario took the time to jump out of the bushes and scared the Koopas, sticking out his spoon at them as he laughed like a maniac on helium. The Koopas all screamed as the red-capped Italian American plumber started beating them to death with his spoon. Mario cackled evilly as he continued beating the turtles down to their shells with his spoon, thunder booming in the background as the sky turned from clear blue to eerie purple red. A few minutes later, Mario had the three badly beaten Koopas over a cliff, the lake below being one hundred and seventy feet away.

"All right, you maggots," Mario commanded as he poked the third Koopa with a shell, "Now, walk off the cliff. Do what I say!"

"But..." The second Koopa attempted to retort, "We don't have to listen to you. You may be the Mario, but you're no ruler over-" BAM!!! Mario smacked the Koopa across the face with his spoon, which caused the green-shelled turtle to fall off the cliff, screaming as he made a big splash in the water.

"Anyone else!?" Mario shouted, glaring at the two remaining Koopas, sticking out his spoon.

The two Koopas gulped, and holding onto each other, fell off the cliff, going into the lake below with an even bigger splash.

Mario laughed evilly, and he then ran off back into the dense deciduous forest, to bring more harm to the innocent green-shelled Koopa Troopas.


Finish Times:

Mario and Candlejack (Married Couple): 3:22 AM

Princess Peach and Monty Mole (Flatulent Fools) : 3:46 AM

Dixie Kong and Petey Piranha (Jungle Survivors): 3:55 AM

Bowser and Birdo(Gender Confused Reptilians): 5:34 PM

Princess Rosalina and Tiny Kong (Spunky emo girls): 5:40 PM

Waluigi and King K. Rool (Wicked and Hilarious): 5:50 PM

Wario and Count Bleck (Greedy and Poetic): 6:31 PM

Wart and Toadette (Butt-ugly and Whiney): 6:20 PM

Toad and Yoshi (Snack and Lunch): 6:34 PM

Luigi and Cackletta (Misguided Evil): 6:45 PM

Banjo and Kazooie (Stop 'N Swop): 6:66 PM- Eliminated

"Next time on The Smashy Mario Race," Master Hand announced in a feminine voice, "The Flatulent Fools get down and disgusting!"

"Wait!" Princess Peach exclaimed, getting an idea as she held onto the rope, "I got an idea!"

Peach farted.

Monty Mole and all of the living biengs around her died from the deadly gas. The rope Peach held suddenly disindergrated.

"Dixie Kong breaks down over ice cream… over nine thousand times!"

"I want ice cream! I WANT ICE CREAM!!!" Dixie whined loudly as she started scratching at Petey, who used his large leaves to protect himself.

"Sorry, Dixie. I can't give credit," Morshu firmly stated as he came close to the camera, "Come back when you're a little... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM... richer!"

"And Wauigi and King K. Rool decide to host a british tea party!! In Boston!!!"

"Snooping as usual, I see," Waluigi hiccuped as King K. Rool slipped on a banana peel and broke his precious golden crown.

"And Mario and Candlejack recieve the Book of Koradie and take on Ganondorf Dragmire in his early years!"

Mario held onto the Book of Koradie as Candlejack fired fire at Ganon.

"You know what they say," Mario stated as he grinned, winking at the screen, "All fires fire fire!"

"And with that, Mario let out a terribly unfunny joke! And Candlejack is beating Ganon pretty badly!" Master Hand finished, being silent for several seconds before he turned pale and murmured, "...Did I just mention Candlejack? OH SNA-"


THE END